WEEK 5 CHAOS REPORT: Nobody Beats The Bears 15 Times In A Row
So this week is going to be a little bare bones in terms of analysis because I didn’t actually watch any games live except the final 10 minutes of the Bears embarrassing the Commanders. So if I missed stuff, please don’t let it go past me in the comments. All of this is based on reading articles and watching game recaps on Wednesday. Also, I am going to post the drawings from week 5 Friday, as I got 8 games wrong so I had too much work to do to get them done for today.
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
Some fun stuff happened! The week started strong with the Bears finally clicking and beating a team. I may have over estimated the Commanders, who beat the Cardinals and Broncos and have spent the other 3 games being a dumpster. This is a squad in limbo, waiting for next season for the true fresh start. Good for the Bears, who still own the top two picks in the draft as of right now, thanks to themselves and Carolina. The race for Caleb is heating up. The NFC North is rough this season, the Packers are experiencing…*gasp*, subpar QB play! The Vikings have continued their reign as masters of Chaos by playing fairly well but constantly coughing up the ball. Nathaniel Hackett won the revenge game and the Broncos continue to depress. The Cowboys are the semi-seasonal low point of the roller coaster where they lose badly and everyone overreacts. Those weeks are very funny. The Steelers somehow won another game they had no business winning because the Ravens couldn’t hold onto the damn ball. The Bills jet-lagged themselves into a loss to London’s very own Jaguars. Big win for the Jags, who looked lost for a few weeks.
GIANTS CORNER
I’m still fairly confident the Giants aren’t this bad. They’ve spent basically every game with Thomas hurt or out and Saquon has been out since week 2. With no run game and the O-line a complete mess, they’ve had to face 4 good to great teams who reached the playoffs last season and are likely to again this season, with another such team (The Bills) next on the docket. Bad team or no, this schedule is brutal. The team overachieved against weak competition last year and are now paying dearly for overestimating themselves. Honestly, the losses don’t bother me as much as how bad the losses have been. They’ve only scored a single touchdown in the first half all year, and it was on defense. The excellent coaching I saw on offense last year to minimize weakness and exploit strengths and creativity is gone and I don’t know where it went. Jones is awful. Everything is a mess, and this week will likely just be another slaughter. Once they start facing more mediocre opponents like the Commies, Jets, Pats, Raiders…then we will see how bad this team really is.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
Speaking of the Pats, how the mighty have fallen. The Pats are no longer a mediocre team without Brady, they are a pile of shit. The Saints, a deeply mediocre team, went into Foxboro and shelled Billy into a 34-0 shutout. That is arguably one of the most embarrassing results from every team this season, and easily the most embarrassing home loss of Belichick’s Patriots career. It’s wild to think that this team honestly looked more competent under Matt Patricia on offense. Rumors of Belichick’s seat being hot have already turned up, but I’d be stunned if he’s at risk of firing. This team is slipping and the fans and media market simply do not know how to react to Patriots systemic failures because most of these babies have never seen the growing pains and valleys of normal franchises. Stick Millennial Packers fans and Patriots fans in the same room and see who can be the more insufferable whiner without any perspective.
That said, Billy’s ability to draft and evaluate players is…kinda shit? He might need an actual GM to allow him to stick to coaching. Can anyone here name the last great Patriots draft pick? Their last great free agency signing? The Patriots used to be able to plug and play anyone into the system and have them produce and they could still draft alright for most of those Brady years. That is gone now. They haven’t added a stud to that team through any means in years.
CHAOTIC MOMENT OF THE WEEK
With only highlights to go off of I don’t know if I can really pick a moment that stands out since the context of many of them is lost on me. You guys nominate the moment.
CHAOS WATCH
The Cowboys have reached the panic spot on the roller coaster. That means the next stage is for them to climb back into hype again.
FRAUD WATCH
Also the Cowboys! While losing to the best team in the NFC is one thing, it’s another when this team has been a thorn in Dallas’ side for years now and you still suck this bad. Dak is not as bad as he looked on Sunday but he’s also not elite, and that fact keeps putting this team in the dirt right when they should be proving people wrong.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
The Packers. Growing pains are bound to happen with normal QBs but losing to Josh McDaniels after throwing 3 picks? Jordan Love turning into Jordan like you as a friend but not if you keep being creepy.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
The Saints have graduated into a semi-watchable team. You know who isn’t watchable? The Panthers. The Bryce Young pick looks worse and worse as CJ Stroud plays well and Anthony Richardson shows flashes when he isn’t getting hurt. 5 games isn’t enough sample size to panic but Young just looks lost out there. His knocks were mostly on his measurables, not his intellect or ability to ball, so this is unfortunate. The Panthers are just absolute dreck. I had hopes for them too.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – SPACE WEEK
BRONCOS @ CHIEFS
It’s funny, Sean Payton actually has Russ playing alright football again. He’s still not the same guy we knew in the good years but after last season he’s clearly still got something left. That would be really nice if the defense wasn’t the football equivalent of already wet public restroom toilet paper.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Russ as Baby Yoda
RAVENS @ TITANS
These Ravens and Titans are frustrating. The Titans aren’t as bad as I expected and the Ravens feel like they should be much better. So what happens when disappointment meets mild surprise? Uh…Ravens.
If the Titans win, I will draw Derrick Henry as the doomsday machine from Star Trek
PANTHERS @ DOLPHINS
Ooof
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as a facehugger
SAINTS @ TEXANS
So the Saints aren’t awful and the Texans are flawed but fun. I’m genuinely torn. I’ll go Saints.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as Lando
COMMANDERS @ FALCONS
Another matchup of subpar losers with potential they aren’t meeting. I’m annoyed with the Commanders so I’ll go Falcons.
If the Commanders win, I will draw Sam Howell as an old-school cylon
COLTS @ JAGUARS
Jaguars squeaked by the Colts in week 1, and I cannot get a bead on these Colts at all. The AFCS is a complete mishmash of teams I do not fully understand.
If the Colts win, I will draw whoever plays QB as Mal from Firefly
SEAHAWKS @ BENGALS
The Bengals have pulled a couple season saving wins out of their asses when they needed to this year, but you can’t sustain a full season by losing winnable weeks only to just stay alive with a squeaker win when it counts forever. Seahawks.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow as Captain of the Bengalprise
VIKINGS @ BEARS
Oh man if the Vikings lose this I will be convinced they are going 4-13 in a reverse, perverse version of last year.
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields as the robot from the OG Lost in Space
49ERS @ BROWNS
Watson has a hurt shoulder. I guess he really does need a massage, but for very good reasons he can stay sore for life. I hope he plays and Nick Bosa sacks him so hard Watson’s ancestors get hurt in the spirit realm.
If the Browns win, I will draw Deshaun Watson as a Predator
PATRIOTS @ RAIDERS
Last year this matchup brought us the funniest moment of the entire season. I can’t hope for an outcome that funny again, but god there is hope. After last week I guess I have to go Raiders.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Mac Jones as Mac from Mac and Me
LIONS @ BUCS
I am rooting for the Baker angry tour but the Lions have established themselves as a class of the NFC.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield as a blade runner
CARDINALS @ RAMS
Josh Dobbs if such a fun story and extremely easy to root for. Shame he’s being wasted on this. I hope he can parlay his efforts this season into a decent backup job for a while.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Josh Dobbs as a xenomorph
EAGLES @ JETS
GREEN FIGHT. It’s amazing how so many of these games would have been exciting if Rodgers was there and instead we have to hope for Zach Wilson to not fuck up just enough. Robert Saleh and company honestly deserve scorn for not even trying to stick a better quality backup QB out there. Wilson is awful.
If the Jets win, I will draw Zach Wilson as Starbuck from Battlestar Gallactica
GIANTS @ BILLS
Can we get to the part of the season where the Giants at least have a chance to win, please?
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as God Emperor of Dune. I know some of you will know what I mean by that
COWBOYS @ CHARGERS
Kellen Moore revenge game? This will be genuinely great to watch. I’m gonna pick the Cowboys bouncing back.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as the space baby from 2001
A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw both QBs impaled on Darth Maul’s double sided lightsaber
Poor Denver. The only thing worth watching about them right now is the spiral into the abyss of Brandon on That’s Good Sports.
We’ve gotten to the point of Epic Twitter Clapbacks from former players accusing current players of lack of effort so yeah the situation is not good
PS: something something Kyler something Red Dwarf…
LOL, any time I hear about their newest loss, I look forward to the next New New New New New New Newy NewNew NEWLY NEW Worst Game Ever.
Is there a reason the Seahawks Browns Chargers and Bucs are off the chart?
THey were on bye
Oh! Duh
“[Bill Belichick] might need an actual GM to allow him to stick to coaching.”
There’s just one teensy-tiny little problem here; moving on from Bill the GM means that you’d also be moving on from Bill the Head Coach. He’s had total control over all of the Patriots’ roster decisions over the last 23 years, so there’s a less than zero percent chance that he would relinquish that control now, even if it’s blatantly obvious that he’s not cut for it anymore. And even in the extremely unlikely event that you did somehow convince him to give someone else the reins, I doubt that it would be a desirable job for any potential GM hire knowing that one of the greatest coaches of all time will be breathing down their neck at every turn.
I had a whole diatribe in my head regarding the temperature of Belichick’s seat as well, but to avoid any major arguments (this will probably spark one anyway), I’ll just say that New England was a 10-Win Wild Card team 2 years ago and they’ve only regressed since. I feel like most GMs and HCs would almost certainly be on the hot seat after having 1 winning season, zero division titles, and zero playoff wins 4 years into a rebuild, but with Belichick, it forces us to have that very uncomfortable and heated discussion about just how important Tom Brady was to New England’s success overall. To me, how you answer that question will basically determine how open you are to the possibility of moving on from Bill. I’d rather not have it, but it seems kind of inevitable here.
Since the idea of an actual GM is basically verboten what needs to happen is Bill’s got to get an advisor or two capable of both not being a complete yes man and being persuasive enough to effect some actual change in the roster. This idea could be put to use in coaching positions as well. Not just in coordinator positions, either. Too many guys are getting injured, making me question their strength and conditioning staff for the first time in a long time.
I agree with you. One of less talked about aspects of the Patriots’ fall from grace since 2019 the number of very bad nepotism hires that Belichick has pushed through. Whether it be the disastrous return of Matt Patricia and Joe Judge to be put in charge of Mac’s development for a year to another rerun of the Bill O’Brien experience, it’s been a complete disaster all around. Everyone on the Pats’ staff is a “Belichick guy” and it honestly makes me question if he would even be willing to consider hiring anyone–even just an advisor–that would actually push back against any of his decisions.
Obviously you can’t pin all of the blame on Belichick, but most of New England’s problems right now can be attributed to his archaic roster management, poor coaching staff decisions, and conservative approach to the game in general. I really don’t want to say that it’s time to move on from him, but at some point you have to look at the results of recent and at least question whether his time is up.
FWIW I absolutely do not pin all the failures on Bill and am one of his loudest supporters on the part of the internet where I shout sports with other morons. I’m just a little bummed that I feel I have to defend his legacy in those argument by saying his career parallels Tom Landry’s and unfortunately we’re at the part of that trajectory where the revolutionary coach who changed the game is watching as the game changes beyond him. It’s not over and he could absolutely turn that around, but it’ll take the ability to set aside his pride enough to un-Belichick his staff a bit.
I feel you there. I very strongly hesitated to even mention QB#12 at the end since every one of these discussions almost always devolves into a “Brady vs Belichick” legacy argument and that’s not really the discussion I want to have here. I also think that with the correct approach, this ship can be saved with Belichick still running it but it requires drastic systemic changes from top to bottom that I simply cannot see happening–especially not at this point in Belichick’s career. He’s 71, so I highly doubt he wants to completely reset and start new while also giving up the roster control that he’s had since he first got there in his mid-50s. But that’s really the only way that the Patriots will ever get out of the rut they’re in with him still around.
That’s why I floated the advisor idea. He’d still be “in charge” of the roster, but have one or more dudes doing serious legwork and making arguments that Bill will (hopefully) actually listen to. As for as the Bill Vs. Brady argument, it’s inevitable, but even so you can make definitive statements about each man.
Bill finessed the rule book like no other, changing the face of the game. The playoff game vs. the Ravens after the 2014 season always stuck with me in that regard. Info (and a trip down memory lane) in the link: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/28/sports/football/a-peek-inside-the-patriots-trick-playbook.html
As for Brady, the thing I’d say about him is that yeah, he was great at passing and almost perfect at the ol’ QB sneak, but I think his biggest advantage was his unparalleled ability to read a defense.
The most chaotic moment of the week wasn’t even from the NFL, it was the monumental f***up by the head coach in the Miami Hurricanes-Georgia Tech game. All they have to do is kneel a couple of times and win the game, instead Mario Cristobal had them run the ball up the gut only to have his RB fumble the ball. GT recovers and comes back to win the game.
The funniest part about that whole fiasco is that the runner was pretty clearly down. Not to defend Cristobal since doing literally anything other than taking a knee was profoundly stupid in that situation but it just makes the whole situation even worse all around.
He sure looked down, but what a poor coaching job by Cristobal. I’m not the type of person who sits here and pretends like I could coach better than professional head coaches, but in this situation, I’m fairly confident that I could do it better.
I feel like literally any football fan with at least a room temperature IQ would know to take a knee there.
Dammit I would despise losing to the Titans but at least we would get a cool drawing out of it
I’m rooting for a tie. I fear if it does happen though it’ll be because of blatant bad calls and the part of Darth Maul will be played by a man in zebra stripes.
They need to stop scheduling primetime Giants games for awhile there’s only so much humiliation in 6 weeks we can take
WHAT?!?!?!?! YOU DIDN’T WATCH THE GAME AT ALL?!?!?!?!
THAT’S UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!! GO TO THE COMPUTER AND WATCH THE CONDENSED VERSION OF LAST WEEK’S REDZONE!!!!!!
/Sarcasm
Seriously though, where did you go for weekend off grid? I might need it myself sooner or later based on how Hawks play after super early bye week. My feeling after watching first month of football is heart attack after heart attack every game basically. Especially after that MNF game where defense dominated. (Like where the hell was that on week 1) don’t know which team will show up against the Bengals.
Desmond Ridder is actually showing signs of life. He looked a lot better than Jordan Love this last week.
Honestly I want the Jets to bring Flacco back. Or get Matt Ryan to unretire, as when he was calling the game I felt like he was holding his tongue to say Wilson sucks and they should just put him in there.
I’d appreciate if you watched the Panthers games before next week’s comments. Bryce makes rookie mistakes but I’d hardly say he looks lost.