WEEK 4 CHAOS REPORT: Oh Shit, CJ Stroud Is Legit
I’m getting very tired of the Kelce industrial complex. The mom was a cute story last year with both brothers in the Super Bowl, but now she’s getting shown in her luxury booths every week and this Sunday was seen sitting next to…Jake from State Farm? Travis has started to appear in some State Farm ads with Mahomes so it was all likely a plant. The Kelce’s have a big docu-series on Amazon Prime, too. Not to mention the entire Taylor Swift thing. It’s hard not to wonder if Swift/Kelce isn’t also in some ways a ploy. Maybe the NFL is throwing money at Swift to attend the games so they can use her relationship with Kelce for more eyeballs. Remember: as far as we know, they aren’t a confirmed couple. I don’t like being a conspiracy guy but I’m getting suspicious.
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
We had a mixed week of chaos. Some games went exactly as expected: like the Lions solidly beating the Packers. The 49ers solidly beating the Cardinals. The Bucs beating the Saints, the Chargers beating the Raiders, the Cowboys beating the Pats…but then we had some weirdness. The Chiefs beat the Jets, but it was shockingly close and Mahomes looked off. The Texans beat up the Steelers. The Commanders took Philly down to the wire, in Philly. The Bills looked like the Dolphins instead of the Dolphins. The Vikings beat the Panthers but looked exceptionally Vikings the whole time, giving up yet another redzone fumble before going ahead on a fumble return TD of their own. Bless the Vikings, they are chaos gods. The Titans beat up the Bengals pretty badly, and Derrick Henry added to his passing TD total. That play was really funny because the Bengals saw it coming, called timeout…then the Titans ran the play again and still scored with ease. Great job, Zac.
GIANTS CORNER
The Giants look like ass and they play the Dolphins and Bills in the next two games. The season is over, throw some of the youngins in there and see what they got. I’ve tried my damndest to give Daniel Jones as much benefit of the doubt as I can despite not thinking he’s good, but with Sam Howell keeping the Commanders competitive against the Eagles and other teams despite being sacked into oblivion and CJ Stroud lighting up defenses for 24 points per game with injured lineman around him I just don’t know what excuses I can give the guy anymore that I haven’t worn out over the last 5 seasons. He’s butt. I hate that we have to suffer at least 2 years of this shit.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
In week 2 the Giants were down 28-7 in the third quarter. They would make a ferocious comeback to win 31-28. In week 4, the Bears would defy the odds and jokes from the previous 3 weeks and go up 28-7 in the third quarter. The Broncos would win, 31-28. Is 28-7 the most dangerous lead in the NFL? The Broncos managed to save their season with this comeback. The Bears managed to do exactly what they need to do. The last thing this Bears squad needs is actually winning games. People need to get fired in Chicago, houses need to be cleaned. The Broncos can be a little more patient. Russ is actually performing better right now and was a big part of the comeback. The person who needs to get fired in Denver is Vance Joseph. This was one of the best defenses in the league last season, there’s no excuse for them to fall this far this fast.
One thing of note: I’ve heard the Refs hate Sean Payton after he caused a (rightful) stink over the infamous no-PI in the championship game. But hate Payton or not, I do not see any viable excuse for this play to be called a touchdown. For years, getting two feet down in bounds is pretty much the one thing about NFL catches that everyone can agree on and has concrete evidence without any subjectivity. Moore’s right foot never touches the ground. The Pylon does not count as the ground, the pylon is only the vertical representation of the endzone plane, and him crossing the plane was not in question. This was a scoring play, it was reviewed, so there is no excuse for this. Even the CBS announcers were baffled. Worst call of the week.
CHAOTIC MOMENT OF THE WEEK
Quay Walker turned a potential Packers comeback chance into a surefire loss by being a dumbass once more during a field goal attempt.
CHAOS WATCH
The Texans. THE TEXANS! The Texans made smart moves this offseason and they are paying off immediately. CJ Stroud is lighting up the field. Beating Jacksonville as Jacksonville slumps may not be a big accomplishment, but then handily beating up the Steelers offense for a full game is absolutely an accomplishment. Yes, the Steelers offense is dreadful, but the D is pretty good! I’m still not sold that this team has a high ceiling this season, not yet, but it might have been higher than any of us first thought.
FRAUD WATCH
The Bengals. I had hope for the Bengals. Yeah, Burrow has been hurt but they seemed to find an identity of sorts against the Rams Monday night but then they come out against the Titans and just get completely flattened. Something is very wrong with the Bengals.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
Desmond Ridder. My guy aint it. He bad.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
Fire Dennis Allen as soon as humanly possible, the Saints are just unwatchable garbage under him.
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FOR WEEK 5
I will be spending a week with family on a mini-vacation. I likely will not even be able to watch the games on Thursday-Monday, let alone draw anything until Wednesday night. There will be no comic on Friday, no pictures or Chaos Report until likely Thursday or so next week.
BEARS @ COMMIES
Is there any team in the league you would pick the Bears to beat at this point?
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Smith holding up a trophy that says MORAL VICTORY
JAGS @ BILLS
The Jags playing two London games in a row is such a fuck you to their fans. Yes, one is technically an “away” game but come on. Poor Jaguars are never going to escape the London Jaguars jokes until a different team moves there/expands there. The Bills seem to have righted the ship after that week 1 loss, so I expect a spanking.
If the Jags win, I will draw Trevor as the King
TEXANS @ FALCONS
I am officially now a passenger on the CJ Stroud hype train.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Desmond Ridder as a scary Falcon/Human chimera that shouldn’t be alive and is a crime against nature
PANTHERS @ LIONS
The Panthers don’t have a first-round pick, they can’t afford to be this bad. But they are!
If the Panthers win, I will draw a black panther as a Black Panther
TITANS @ COLTS
This game looks way more interesting than I would have expected. The Titans have some feistiness this season still but so do the Colts. I genuinely don’t know who to pick. Vegas is going Titans so I will also go Titans.
If the Colts win, I will draw Anthony Richardson dunking on Mike Vrabel
GIANTS @ DOLPHINS
The Giants defense is going to be eaten alive. I swear if Wink starts blitzing the QB who is literally throwing the ball faster from snap than anyone else he’s a fucking moron.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as a fisherman, trapping a Tua in a net
SAINTS @ PATRIOTS
I hate these Saints. I hate watching them. I hate them being on my screen. I hate even having to consider them. Send Dennis Allen to the Hague for crimes against watchable football.
If the Saints win, I will draw Derek Car running over Mac Jones
RAVENS @ STEELERS
God the Steelers offense is disgusting. Just putrid. Is only watchable when Pickett goes gunslinger and hucks a deep pick. Of course now Pickett is hurt, so it’s TRUBISKY TIME.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Mitch Trubisky kissing some cute little titmice
BENGALS @ CARDINALS
This should be a blowout but I’ve lost faith in the Bengals and I’m gonna go full Dobbs
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow smoking a cactus
EAGLES @ RAMS
The Rams are mediocre. They have spice, but they aren’t a complete team that can compete with the best.
If the Rams win, I will draw Stafford Tush Pushing Hurts off a cliff
JETS @ BRONCOS
Nathaniel Hackett revenge game
If the Broncos win, I will draw Sean Payton making rude gestures to Nate Hackett
CHIEFS @ VIKINGS
Vikings finally chaos’d their way into the win column only to face the Chiefs, oof.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Taylor Swift dating Phat Dumpy Kirk
COWBOYS @ 49ERS
Oh hey, the Cowboys always find a way to lose this matchup. I look forward to the newest brainfart from McCarthy.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw the Rich Texan from the Simpsons yee hawwing
PACKERS @ RAIDERS
The Battle of Mid. Hell, if it’s even that. Vegas is going Raiders. I don’t know if I can do that. Packers.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Josh McDaniels throwing a bomb in the smokestack of the Love Train
A TIE
If we get a tie game, both QBs solemnly hugging it out before they get vaporized by nuclear hellfire
Dave likes to celebrate butts so around these parts it will probably remain the ‘tush push’, but I figured I’d let y’all know there is some traction online to renaming that play the ‘brotherly shove’.
A lot of people are ragging on the TNF matchup this week, and rightfully so (seriously, two seasons in a row of Bears-Commies? really?), but Saints-Patriots has the potential to be one of the worst games we’ve ever seen. Two completely unwatchable, dumpster-fire offenses going up against scrappy, but very solid defenses. At least it’s a 1PM game so most of the country will miss it.
Justin Smith or Justin Fields in the Chicago prediction? Also I think you have your Vegas lines backwards… they Indy -1.5 and GB -2.5 at the moment.
“If the Panthers win, I will draw a black panther as a Black Panther” – guess that means I’m a Panthers fan this week.
I really don’t understand why people are so mad about the tush push, even though I hate the eagles. It’s a totally valid play that requires serious talent on the offensive line.
That said, they absolutely jumped early on their final one against Washington, refs missing that cost the game.
The only valid criticism I’ve seen regarding the Tush Push is someone mentioning that it’s illegal for defenders to launch/push off each other on Field Goal block attempts so the same should apply there. Not saying the logic is perfectly sound, but I can see where they’re coming from. Defenses are already playing on hard mode as it stands with all the rules favoring offense, this just makes it even more tough.
With that said, a lot of people are just underselling the fact that the Eagles have one of the best IOLs in football and a running quarterback that squats 600 pounds. It’s unstoppable due to those factors more than it being some completely broken play. Look what happens when other teams try to run it. Pretty sure the Patriots tried it yesterday with Mac Jones and failed spectacularly and that seems to be the norm outside of Philly.
I’m all for chaos. I say let defenders jump over the center. If they’re going low, while also controlling the time of the snap, let’s see if a defender can time it and go over. I want to see more Kam Chancellor/Troy Polamalu aerial stunts!
I really feel bad for the Giants. Talk about a team that has seemingly whiffed on just about every important decision of the past 5 years.
-Daniel Jones….just not the guy. Certainly not the kind you want to be joined to long-term. We all joined in the “oh look at how funny because the whiteboy can kind of run fast” bit, but it’s over now. It’s not funny, it’s passe. He’s not worth investing in.
-OL…most of this isn’t completely their fault, but Thomas has been both really bad and really good in such a short amount of time. Can you count on him longterm? Neal has been disappointing. JMS has been good so far, but had to leave the game due to injury. There simply isn’t enough depth to recover so now you have a shaky QB behind a shaky OL.
-Other first round picks: Toney, Kayvon, Baker, Apple, Engram, etc….you could even argue Saquon isn’t the best selection because he’s constantly injured. At least Dexter Lawrence turned into a stud.
-Coahing: Daboll had a decent case for coach of the year last year, I probably wouldn’t have picked him, but I wasn’t shocked by it. Things are starting to fall apart now. Tackling is bad. Star player usage is bad. The team looks lost. I think very coach should get at least three years to work with, save for the Urban Meyer-bad ones, so I tihnk he’s got plenty of leash, but the drop off to this year has been precipitous.
I don’t like piling onto a bad team, especially one that has it’s best player out with an injury, but boy did they look bad. I knew the Daniel Jones contract was abysmally bad, but I didn’t think it would immediately turn into such a stinker. This and the Russell Wilson fiasco in Denver are some of the most interesting QB debacles we’ve seen in quite some time!
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I’d give those drafted last year a slack, if they don’t improve after next season then…
The Giants game was horrible and I’m reminded to much of MacAdoo following the great season last week and now this mess. Our defensive line finally looked better last night, but still not great. And our O-line is looking historically bad. Jones was the only person on the offense who seemed to be giving it 100% last night and was looking good until that horrible throw that resulted in a pick 6. Watching the game and seeing the sack/QB hit/pressure numbers any QB would look horrible back there, especially Sam Howell.
I’m not ready to start comparing this to McDoodyHead just yet, because that dude got infected by a Venom symbiote.
It was posing as hair gel in all of his conferences during year 2 and hiding under the tents he was wearing as shirts.
But I digress. Considering what Dabs did last year with such little talent, I really expected them to at least perform to that level… a scrappy bunch that might get out of their depth pretty quick, but playing smart and going down fighting.
This has been a nightmare from almost every standpoint. Coaching is failing, schemes are failing, players are failing.
I agree, Daniel Jones is doing what I would expect just about any QB would do at this point. He’s under constant duress, he has no time to think, move, or do anything, and then the moments where he DOES have a second to do something with, he’s shocked, already seeing ghosts, and not processing. And while I definitely don’t think it’s fair to put this all on him, I also think I’m at the point where I can admit we’ve broken him, just like we broke Eli in the end, and any chance he had to continue to grow or improve is probably gone. It’s impossible for Jones to do anything but regress under these scenarios. He had the lowest INT rate last year, and I can’t believe that was a fluke. Multiple INTs this year were accurate passes that bounced out of someone’s hands, so you can’t even fully fault him on all of those.
I feel especially bad for him, because he’s basically going to hold the chair until – hopefully – they fix the rest of the ship, and the seat will be ready for a QB to actually sit in it and play. And at that point he’ll be a shattered mess that they sweep out the door for the next guy. People can laugh about how stupid the Giants were for paying Jones. Honestly, I think you could make a case that Jones was stupid for agreeing to continue playing for the Giants. Sigh.
Kelce/Swift is absolutely fake and nothing but marketing hype. It’s win-win-win-win for everyone:
– the league gets tons of new eyeballs from the Swifties,
– the networks are getting majors bucks from ad sales of Taylor’s upcoming concert movie and increased ratings from the Swifties,
– Taylor gets major pub for her upcoming movie and maybe more ticket sales as football-watching dudes get dragged to the movie b their wives,
– Kelce’s jersey sales are up 4x and he picked up a million new twitter followers and probably an equal number of new podcast listens and maybe he gets to bang Taylor as a fringe bennie
It’s pure genius.