WEEK 2 CHAOS REPORT: The Cardinals Had Us In The First Half, Not Gonna Lie
WEEK 2 CHAOS IN THE BOOKS! WE BACK BABY! As stated yesterday I’m already changing up the plan. Today is the full week chaos report and picks for the next week. If you want the pics from week 2, go back to yesterday!
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
A delightful week. Most games ended with the teams we expected to win actually winning, but the way those wins happened featured a lot of glorious, delightful nonsense. The Vikings and Eagles started us off with a game that looks closer than it actually was, but mostly featured the Vikings blowing it at every turn and then the Eagles fell asleep and fucked around almost to find out late as the Vikings cleaned up the mistakes to make it interesting. This year the Vikings honestly look like the same team, just they are losing the close ones instead. The Colts lost Anthony Richardson to concussion and Gardner Minshew came in to light up the scoreboard. Sam Howell might be a baller, the Buccaneers are 2-0, and the Falcons are quietly kinda fun! Lions/Seahawks was outstanding, the Chargers remain the Chargers, and the Rams might have genuine superstars at wideout from out of nowhere. Browns/Steelers was on track to being the most chaotic game of the week in a total laugher until Nick Chubb got hurt so bad the broadcast wouldn’t even show the replay. Don’t look up the injury if you haven’t yet, it’s one of the worst knee injuries I’ve seen.
GIANTS CORNER/CHAOS OF THE WEEK
I spent all last week trying to convince myself and everyone else that the Cowboys game was a fluke game, an aberration. The Giants aren’t actually as bad as they looked in that game. Then for the first 2 quarters against a team that most people assume is tanking the season, my heart was in the pit of my stomach and I was left wondering if actually I was wrong. What if the Giants are that bad? Then a switch flipped and the team finally scored some points. Then they scored more points. They just kept scoring points. The Cardinals got one score early in the 3rd but that was it. It was like they just stopped trying and the Giants were suddenly ripping them apart, with a rotated and depleted O-line, no less. The last time the Giants had a comeback this big was in the 50’s (also against the Cardinals, funnily enough). So the season is saved, for the moment. Saquon hurt his ankle but early reports say sprain. He needs to just rest up because we won’t have a chance against the 49ers on Thursday.
CHAOTIC MOMENT OF THE WEEK
The game itself was also pretty chaotic, but the single most chaotic play I can recall seeing this entire weekend was the Broncos Hail Mary touchdown at the end of regulation. It’s the kind of play you dream of, and then they botched the 2 point conversion. Sean Payton and wild endings to a game, name a more prolific combo. Although, I want to give a shoutout to the Patriots attempted lateral for a first down, which absolutely ruled and should not have been overturned. Also big ups for the blocked kick play, for a boring team the Patriots gave us some fun moments.
CHAOS WATCH
The NFC South. The Falcons, Saints, and Bucs are all undefeated. What’s going on here?
FRAUD WATCH
The Chargers are sort of perpetual frauds, but going 0-2 after still putting up gaudy numbers is sad. The Chargers are going to fuck around and find out yet again when they should be one of the premier teams in the AFC. Fire Brandon Staley.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
The Jaguars. Granted, going up against Mahomes is no easy feat, and a loss was probably expected, but it was still a slog.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
The Panthers might be interesting later this year but right now they are unwatchable dreck. My eyes just glaze off the screen. It takes a lot to be less interesting than the Dennis Allen Saints. As soon as the Browns/Steelers game started I flipped over and never flipped back.
BETS FOR WEEK 3! We are going to go for our first themed week. MUPPET WEEK!
GIANTS @ 49ERS
The Giants need to be thankful for the Cards comeback so they don’t go 0-3 after they get obliterated this Thursday.
If the Giants win, I will draw Daniel Jones as Gonzo
FALCONS @ LIONS
The Falcons first big test comes up. If they can surprise the Lions, we need to be on Falcons watch. The Lions have played two outstanding games so far but the defense still has some issues.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Bijan Robinson as Big Bird
CHARGERS @ VIKINGS
Two choke artists go at it. Man I have no goddamn idea. I’ll pick the Vikings. at home I guess.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as Beaker and Keenan Allen as Dr Bunsen Honeydew
SAINTS @ PACKERS
The Saints are 2-0? They aren’t inspiring, but neither are the Packers. However I’ll go home team, Pack has put up points in both contests.
If the Saints win, I will draw Derek Carr and Chris Olave as Bert and Ernie
TEXANS @ JAGUARS
The Jaguars get back on track after beating up nobody’s biggest fear.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as Scooter
BRONCOS @ DOLPHINS
Dolphins have made their two wins harder than they needed to be, but now they get to play a bad team!
If the Broncos win, I will draw Russ as The Swedish Chef
TITANS @ BROWNS
The Browns got a pretty decent defense but without Chubb this team is not very imposing on offense. What was probably due to be a knockout no might be close. Still going Browns.
If the Titans win, I will draw Derrick Henry as Cookie Monster
BILLS @ COMMIES
Commies probably finally get stuffed here but I’m still worried about the Bills. If the Commies win, that probably gets national attention, and I can see it happening.
If the Commies win, I will draw Scary Terry as Sweetums
COLTS @ RAVENS
Ravens are good again. Colts are fun, but not great.
If the Colts win, I will draw Gardner Minshew as Rowlf the dog
PATRIOTS @ JETS
Oof. The Jets are the better team, but Zach Wilson. The Patriots are mid, but like to humiliate the Jets. I’ll still pick the Jets I guess.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Bill Belichick as Oscar the Grouch
PANTHERS @ SEAHAWKS
Seahawks. I got worried there for a minute, but Geno’s back, baby.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as Rizzo the Rat
BEARS @ CHIEFS
Oh god
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields as Fozzie Bear
COWBOYS @ CARDINALS
Oh god
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Josh Dobbs as Elmo
STEELERS @ RAIDERS
The Steelers have a good defense. Shame about the offense. The Raiders? Uh, shame. At least the Steelers have one good side of the ball.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Jimmy Garoppolo as Miss Piggy
EAGLES @ BUCS
Lord how funny would it be if the Bucs somehow won this? They wont.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker as Dr. Teeth
RAMS @ BENGALS
I think the Rams might be better than anticipated. They got something cookin.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow as Animal
A TIE
Both QBs as Statler and Waldorf, mocking their own game
Funny story. I had to get the baby dinner, a bath, and then put her to bed, so I watched all the misery of the first half of the Giants-Cards game, and I saw NONE of the come back. My 8yo was on my phone playing a game during that, so I didn’t get any texts from friends or scoring alerts. I assumed it was another 40 point loss, and then was like WTF!? when I saw the final score around 8pm. I kinda wish they could have done this in reverse, and scored 32 points in the first half and then taken the second half off. Oh well.
To be honest for the most part it wasn’t even fun to watch until they actually tied it up because it still felt too little too late the whole time and I just kept waiting for the moment the momentum stopped. After we scored the first time my only thought was “yay we finally scored points, that’s sad”
I was totally expecting Dave to tell a story like this. Thanks for not letting me down!
I was kind of hoping you’d pick against the Browns so that Watson could be Grover, aka “The Monster at the End of this Season”.
No muppet deserves to be associated with Desaun “The Rapist” Watson so thats a hard no from me
Maybe Elmo. Elmo is the Jar-Jar Binks of the Jim Henson universe.
Fozzie going Five Nights At Freddy’s on Kermit?
Admit it, you just want to draw Darth Belichick as Oscar the Grouch. Aint no way the Jets are wining this one with Wilson, the Pats kept it close 2 times vs good teams and their defense is gona make the Jets offense regret puting on a uniform that day
I like Statler and Waldorf so I guess Im rooting for a tie now? *Looks back up at the matchups* Oh….oh noooooooooo….These games look like a looot of stomps, maybe Chargers @ Vikings? Would be peak irony if BOTH teams manage to choke away the win
The Patriots will win since Bill Belichick has Zach Wilson in a chokehold but it won’t look easy at all. The Jets still have an extremely stout defense and through two games, New England’s offense looks very uninspired unless they’re down multiple scores. It’s probably going to be another slog with a highly chaotic ending in favor of the Patriots because Zach’s not allowed to win against Belichick.
How about a battle of the defenses ending 10-9 for the Pats after Wilson throws a pick 6 and the Pats special teams block the extra point on the only offensive TD of the game…
MY BODY IS READY
Oh man, I’m hoping for a Chargers win and someone to tie.
Wait, the Chargers are 0-2 not 2-0, failing to win despite putting up such impressive numbers. They are the kings of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory this season so far.
Whoopsie, silly typo
Gannon got the call from Mike Bidwill at halftime. He isn’t here to win games dammit, he’s here to tank for Caleb Williams so they can flip Kyler for a boatload of picks to use for when the Cardinals inevitably ruin Caleb Williams. Who does Gannon think he’s working for, Jerry Jones? Mike runs the lamest franchise in football and he is DETERMINED to uphold their proud tradition of mediocrity by any means necessary.
Who is going to pay a boatload for Kyler?
They might convince the Bears if Justin sucks but they can’t get Caleb
Hey, you listed Miss Piggy twice
If the Bears win, I need you to draw yourself as a Bear furry saying “chaos is life”
Rooting for a tie so hard
“A TIE
Both QBs as Statler and Waldorf, mocking their own game”
I’ve never wanted a tie so badly
So picture this. It’s Halloween at work and there’s a costume contest so we’re all wearing goofy shit. My coworker, who happens to have a very round head, shaved off his beard, is wearing black rimmed glasses and has on a lab coat over a suit. My response is, “Dude! Awesome Dr. Bunsen Honeydew costume!” Except it wasn’t a costume. He had screwed up trimming his beard while shaving so took it all off. His contacts were bothering him and the suit/lab coat was because he was showing customers around the lab.
I’ve kind of resented Dr. Bunsen Honeydew since then.