WEEK 17 CARTOONS: All My Former Players Say I’m A Great Coach, Trust Me
Happy new year! Excited to see how 2022 is even worse than the last one. We got 6 days into 2021 before fascists stormed the Capitol so 2022 has some work cut out for it.
I am…through the looking glass with Joe Judge. I am no longer angry at him. He’s so pathetic and the team so stupid and poorly run that he’s just funny now. After every disaster of a game he spouts the most ridiculous nonsense and today’s was a delight. Just read the rant. It needed just a few better soundbites and it could have been an all-timer up there with the greats. This chucklefuck talking about building a foundation almost 2 full seasons into your tenure and the team is arguably at the worst point of his entire tenure thus far. Usually, you have something of a foundation by then. What foundation do the Giants have? The team is in cap hell, nowhere near successful, and trending downhill. The players don’t look like they are trying. Look at the Lions. That team sucks! But the players? They are trying! That team has fight in it. This team has none. Judge makes the same time management mistakes every week, he’s an absolute coward on 4th down, and he’s a clown in the pressers. Right now I think the Jags are the only team that the Giants would be favored against, and that’s a tough bet. But Judge is sticking around! Because John Mara likes him! This team is comedy. There is no reason to watch the Giants play football because they are absolute trash to watch, but they are worth reading about, because they are hilarious. When Judge was hired, this was my reaction:
“Seriously you should have seen how Giants fans were salivating over his press conference. He said nothing of value, just typical “WE ARE GONNA PLAY HARD AND STUFF AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY” coach speak but because he said it with AUTHORITY in his voice everyone got wet. I wasn’t impressed.”
My gut instinct at the time was thinking that this nobody got the job because he knew how to act the part. My gut was right. Judge is all bluster and no substance. At the time, the bluster was refreshing to the fanbase because Shurmur was a pillow of a man but now everyone can see what a fake Judge is. Judge can say he’s not a clownshow, but he is. He can’t hide it anymore.
What else happened this week?
-Antonio Brown? He’s getting a comic, let’s save that for now.
-John Madden RIP, also getting a comic, so now you know this week’s schedule
-Oh, the Dolphins faced an actual playoff team and revealed that no, they are absolutely still bad and not worthy of the postseason.
-We are back to the Bengals being legit!
-The Raiders somehow saved themselves and the Colts faltered. However that Wentz/Hilton TD was absolutely hilarious.
-The Cardinals won! I fully expected them to lose out and get obliterated in the wildcard. But they beat the Cowboys, who are probably still a better team. Good for you, Arizona.
-The Titans can spend one week being absolute trash and look like a surefire washout, then go the next week and earn the #1 seed spot in the league. That’s right, as of right now, the Titans are the #1 seed. Friends, the Chaos is STRONG this year and I LOVE IT
-I still can’t believe the Panthers traded and now have to pay Sam Darnold all that money
-Jets had their most complete game all year, but Tom Brady comes for us all
-Vintage OBJ performance on the Rams. He won the game, and he also punched a man in the ass. OBJ is back, baby.
PICKS! I did well since things are fairly predictable now even with Covid. The NFL adjusted their Covid policy because they realized with Omicron infecting everyone they are genuinely facing a playoffs riddled with substitutions that will affect everything. I hope we get it anyway. I want all the fan whining.
Week…18?!?!?!?! Weird man I don’t like it.
TEAM @ GIANTS
Come one, come all, watch Tyler Heinicke earn himself the 2022 starter job by putting 38 points on a Giants team that is building a great foundation
If the Giants win, I will draw Joe Judge and John Mara dancing on my grave
BENGALS @ BROWNS
The Bengals have been such a fun turnaround this year. I hope Burrow is okay. Browns are certainly a disappointment this year but I don’t think there is any reason to panic yet.
If the Browns win, I will draw northeast Ohio pooping on southwest Ohio
SAINTS @ FALCONS
The Saints, believe it or not, aren’t out of the playoff race. The Falcons would relish an opportunity to put the nail in the coffin but trusting the Falcons to do anything right is a fool’s hope.
If the Falcons win, I will draw a Falcon putting a nail in the Saints playoff coffin
STEELERS @ RAVENS
THE STEELERS MUST BE 8-8-1 THE CHAOS GODS DEMAND IT. I’m making this pick before the Browns/Steelers game, so if the Steelers lose that game, I’m changing this pick accordingly.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Big Ben perfectly balanced, as all things should be
JETS @ BILLS
The Bills hold a tenuous grip on the AFCE. They have no room to lose unless the Patriots also lose. Luckily, they play the Jets!
If the Jets win, I will draw the entire Bills wagon dying of Jetsintery
PACKERS @ LIONS
I honestly hope the Lions win this just to spite the Packers but it won’t happen.
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Campbell eating Aaron Rodgers kneecaps. One last chance for kneecaps.
PANTHERS @ BUCCANEERS
How will the Bucs win without AB? Very easily.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Sam Darnold and Shirtless AB obliterating Brady with a spirit bomb
COLTS @ JAGS
Colts are probably playoff-bound, but it will be nice to clinch it by destroying the Jaguars
If the Jags win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence sending Centaur Wentz to the glue factory
PATRIOTS @ DOLPHINS
The fish are not that good and the Patriots are playing for a chance at the division.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw shirtless Tua smoking a cigar riding a Dolphin into the sunset
BEARS @ VIKINGS
Can’t wait to see the Vikings ruin their draft position by beating the Bears after it’s too late.
If the Bears win, I will draw a Bear sitting by the fireplace, a Vikingskin rug on the ground
COWBOYS @ EAGLES
If the Cowboys winning can knock the Eagles out, then I hope for that. Otherwise I am hoping for whatever result makes these two fight each other in the wildcard so one of them dies instantly.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Jalen Hurts singing REM to Dak. Everybody Hurts, sometimes.
TITANS @ TEXANS
The Titans have a chance to rest in the playoffs. I want this. The Texans already beat the Titans once though, so nothing is guaranteed.
If the Texans win, I will draw The Mills Mafia
CHIEFS @ BRONCOS
Broncos had a chance to stay relevant by beating the Chargers and they got ‘sploded. Chiefs are angry and gonna hurt them.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Bluecifer rampaging over Kansas City
CHARGERS @ RAIDERS
The only play-in game all weekend. Whoever wins this game is in the playoffs. It would be extremely Chargers to lose this, but it would ALSO be extremely Raiders to lose this. I’ll go Chargers.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Derek Car eating Justin Herbert
SEAHAWKS @ CARDINALS
The Cardinals better win this to save themselves total embarrassment going into the postseason.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Tiny Russ flushing Tiny Kyler down the toilet
49ERS @ RAMS
For whatever reason the 49ers own Sean McVay so I gotta roll Santa Clara this week.
If the Rams win, I will draw OBJ punching Kyle Shanahan in the butt
7 losses, 7 wins, and then RT17 shows us what we threw away.
Look what he can do behind a decent O-line, Ross. Just… just look.
Tannehill has been pretty bad all year, I wouldn’t be too upset.
I knew as soon as it started frozen raining that Tannehill was going to win. Dude is weirdly decent in cold weather.
There’s not much worth commenting on for Broncos fans these days but Shurmur dodging responsibility for calling plays that don’t move the chains by blaming the receivers for not running through the defense for a first down is certainly one of them
It’s hard to say I want Fangio gone because he’s still the defensive mind we thought he was but GODDAMN his stubbornness sticking by Shurmur is killing this franchise
Chargers v raiders will be a tie. CHAOS reigns!
You may get your wish LOL
“If the Cowboys winning can knock the Eagles out, then I hope for that.”
Can’t happen. With Minnesota’s Madden-generated backup QB getting blown out last night, the Eagles clinched a playoff berth. With all the craziness this season, it’s kind of hilarious that literally no one talked about the Eagles. They just quietly won 9 games and clinched a playoff spot before the final week of the season. Sure, they were beating nobodies, but so was Miami and they were generating some buzz. Nothing for Philly so far as I can tell.
Eagles are already clinched in the Wildcard , but an Eagles win I think takes Dallas out of contention for a Bye Week, so the big question is : Can you bring yourself to root for the Eagles just to stick it to Dallas?
(Wouldnt surprise me to see the Eagles play their second stringers though, assuming any are fit)
I like this Eagles team more than I like seeing Dallas fans happy so yeah, if it’s Cowboys or Eagles, I’m team Eagles
Dallas is already out of contention for a bye week. The Packers clinched the 1 seed and the added 7th seed removed the first-round bye week for the 2 seed.
All an Eagles win does at this point is guarantee the Cowboys get the 4th seed (though, even if Dallas wins, they need to rely on Carolina to take down the Bucs in Tampa which is.. unlikely). Getting the 4 seed could be catastrophic for Dallas though, since it means they play either the Cardinals or the Rams.
The Lions actually opened as 1.5 point favorites against the Packers, because the Packers have the #1 seed locked up already.
Got something for the latest Brown fall out?
I wouldn’t pick against the Lions this week against the Packers. GB has nothing to play for and will most likely rest a lot of players.
It would be par for the course with this Detroit team losing a game against a team with 3rd & 4th stringers playing so don’t sleep on the awfulness of this Lions team.
C’mon Lions. Kneecap eating time!
Bring back Derek Car’s nose you coward!
To make the playoffs, the Steelers need to beat the Browns this week and the Ravens next week, and they need the Jags to beat the Colts.
If the Steelers do beat the Browns this week, it is a cosmic inevitability that the Jags *will* somehow beat the Colts, but that the Steelers will lose to the Ravens in embarrassing fashion.
I know there’s been comics about it already, but are we going to get another comic about the latest example of FedEx field falling apart faster than a sandcastle in the ocean?
If the Steelers do win and if you do recreate the scene in Avengers: Infinity War, I suggest Roethlisberger as Thanos be balancing a Choco Taco on his finger.
STEELERS @ RAVENS
I was hoping that if the Steelers and Jags win, you have old man Ben watching a tied Chargers-Raiders game on the TV in horror.
I’m a Steelers fan, and I still hope we beat the Ravens, the Jags upset the Colts, and then we miss the playoffs anyway due to a tie.