The NFL On Different Channels
So for Wildcard Weekend, for what was probably a marketing gimmick, the NFL and Nickelodeon teamed up to broadcast Saints/Bears. Nickelodeon hosted a football game. The children’s channel known for rugrats, spongebob, and slime. Nate Burleson acted as commentator and the broadcast was filled with fun graphics and silly things.
It was a blatant attempt to market the game to kids and it was a fun gimmick game, but it wasn’t much more than that. I enjoyed the variety and silliness of computer generated slime cannons going off during touchdowns and Mitch Trubisky getting voted NVP thanks to obvious troll voting. It was harmless and silly, and yet it was most definitely a gimmick that wouldn’t sustain itself over more than this one game. I enjoyed the novelty of it; I wouldn’t watch a season of NFL on Nickelodeon.
Also, they couldn’t have picked a worse game to host if they wanted to market the NFL to kids. Both teams run on defense. The Saints are led by an old man who throws short unexciting passes. The Bears have no offense whatsoever. Kids aren’t going to appreciate defense. I didn’t care about defense as a kid, outside players hitting each other. I didn’t understand the rules. I didn’t understand downs and offensive schemes. When I was a kid I liked football because the people ran into each other and grunted very loudly and it was fun seeing the guy throw the ball through the air and when they got in the colored part of the field that was a touchdown and I got to throw my arms up and dance. They should have hosted Steelers/Browns or Bills/Colts, or Titans/Ravens. Any of the games would have been an easier sell than Saints/Bears.
But the broadcast got me thinking. If the NFL is going to try to market to new audiences, I would actually love to see what other channels do with the chance to broadcast a game. Instead of sticking games in weird places like London or Mexico or whatever they have planned next, make Thursday Night Football into GIMMICK NIGHT!
-Adult Swim: The broadcast is basically pictured above. Carl and Dr. Orpheus in the booth, Ghost as the halftime show guy, Eric Andre as the sideline reporter, highlight packages and gamebreaks are presented like channel switching a’la robot chicken. Cheerleaders are all Mortys. The other team’s cheerleaders are Ricks. I’d watch the shit out of this.
–Lifetime: Normal broadcast, but the sideline reporter is played by a failed TV star you vaguely remember and over the course of the game she realizes her presumed dead ex-husband is stalking her and she’s only saved at the last minute by her new boyfriend, the outside linebacker.
–HBO: The broadcast quality is really good, the booth is run by a couple of gangsters, the halftime show is normal highlights but the announcers are naked and having sex, the sideline reporter is such a Miranda, the referee is Larry David and they play the curb music every time a kicker shanks it. If a player is ejected Omar comes out and shoots them with his shotgun.
–Disney: Tell me you don’t want to hear a game called by Donald and Goofy. Please give me 3 hours of Donald Duck explaining complex blocking schemes. The sideline reporter is the newest charming kid they created in the Disney labs.
–Home Shopping Network: Everything in the game is up for sale. The helmet Brady just threw in frustration? 109.99 plus shipping. The Back judge’s flag? 15.99, you can’t beat that deal. It even works as a reusable napkin set if you buy 4!
–TV Land: The game is broadcast in black and white and the announcers just talk about how much better games were when Jim Brown was playing.
–HGTV: The booth commentators are just the property brothers. They spend the entire game renovating the one endzone and reveal it at the very end, only to find out they took away the uprights because they thought it was too gaudy and now the kicker has no idea how to make the game winning field goal attempt.
–TV Guide Channel: The top half is just a small broadcast of the game, the bottom half is a scrolling display of every play in real time, and you keep accidentally looking away and missing when the touchdown scrolls by.
–Weather: Up to the minute reports on how wet the ball is and how much the windchill and jet stream might effect the ball’s kick trajectory. The Local on the 8’s is just game highlights. The entire game is broadcast with smooth jazz.
–Hallmark: Every game is a beautiful snow game, the commentators are long lost siblings and are reunited with their mom at the end
–CSPAN: The cameras only focus on the coaching staff talking the whole time
–FXX: The booth is called by Archer and Mallory, Lana is the sideline reporter, and the referees are the Gang from Always Sunny. Only broadcasts Eagles games. Every game also features up to the minute fantasy updates from The League.
–SyFy: The football players turn into giant sharks and octopuses and boy, is the CGI really bad. Every game spoils the results at the beginning in a Battlestar Gallactica style intro. They keep saying the coaches have a plan but we know it isn’t true.
–DISCOVERY: They spend the entire broadcast talking about fake football myths and 2 hours are dedicated to the Sound Guys job and how hard it is. The sideline reporter is on a crab boat.
–HISTORY: Booth is the ALIENS guy with the wild hair and most of the broadcast is speculating on whether or not Hitler actually died or went into hiding.
–MTV: Every member of the broadcast crew is an obnoxious 20 something with a bad tan and the entire game is just them fighting each other about bullshit.
Why is Carl just Jim Tomsula lol
Feeling the same vibe as your Disney idea. Any suggestion should start with “person you don’t expect to know about football is qualified to be in the booth to a humorous degree”. I wanted Spongebob to tell me about zone blocking schemes and I didn’t get it god dammit
imagine if the NFL network pulled an MTV and just stopped broadcasting anything NFL-related at all and went to obnoxious, stupid “reality” shows all the time…
Year round coverage of the next draft. No actual football.
Or draft. Just mock after mock after mock. And endless shows over who will drop or be picked way too high. Maybe a special on the rise and fall of Adam Gase that features only press conference clips.
Disney actually HAS done this before. Not with a real game, but back in the day they did amazing “How To” cartoons with Goofy. This was a favorite of mine as a kid.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdPz3AquR7Y
Also, long live Carl an’ his Stone Cold Lock a’ da Century… a’ da week!
I was almost waiting for Tony Romo to step in because that narrator/announcer sounded quite like Jim Nantz
Bro that game was different. We all knew the Saints were going to win. The commentators also had no idea what was going on with the edits that Nickelodeon was doing.
I am happy to see that Jim Tomsula found a new job so quickly after leaving the Cowboys.
Yes, I do want to hear a game called by Donald and Goofy. ROFL just picturing that.
Every one of these suggestions is amazing and I would watch the shit out of any of them. Also, Hitler is successfully hiding as Matt Ryan, a man so boring I almost had to look up his name.
PBS – Penalties would be referred to as “happy little accidents” (RIP Bob Ross), the commentators would be competent but uncharismatic, and the time between each quarter would be a pledge drive.
BET – The commentators would be Greg Gumbel and Deion Sanders, the side line reporters would be Pam Oliver and Lisa Salters, and each game would be 6 hours long due all the damn commercials.
MeTV – This one would air reruns of games from defunct leagues such as the USFL, the AAF, and both iterations of the XFL.
Shit, I’d watch some Memphis Showboats vs Houston Gamblers.
Haha, lemme try a couple…
TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES – They actually do show 100-year old silent movies on Sunday nights, so the game broadcast is silent with a jaunty little tune. Also in black and white… certain portions of the game are missing due to deteriorated film.
FOX NEWS – Every missed penalty call is Obama’s fault.
COMEDY CENTRAL – From South Park, Mr. Mackey on play-by-play and Tweek with the color commentary in the announcer booth. Crank Yankers in the radio receiver helmet? “This is your O.C. We know we’ve got first and goal here but we need you to take a intentional safety on this play. TAKE A SAFETY!”
Love it. I would actually tune in to Thursday Night Football if they did this! (But also bring back the colour rush uniforms – I liked the variety, and being able to see things like red vs blue instead of one team always having to have boring white uniforms)
What’s a shame is that Disney had a chance to do something with the ABC/ESPN wildcard round game (Ravens-Titans) and what they chose to do was a broadcast on Freeform where Maria Taylor and Jessie Palmer sat by a swimming pool and interviewed TikTok-ers, teen stars from young adult TV shows, and DJ Khaled while largely ignoring the game.
They’ve had opportunities to test kid-oriented odds and ends during the last few Pro Bowls as well and instead simply simulcast the game on Disney XD, the only difference from the ESPN broadcast there has ever been was last year, when they cut the broadcast off in the 2nd quarter to apparently avoid the announcers’ continuing discussion of Kobe Bryant’s passing.
Kobe’s death was all I was thinking about when I heard Bears-Saints would be on a kids network… was thinking please don’t let some famous athlete die right again during the game… Nick was smart to have their own set of announcers. We did get the f bomb though so there’s that.
The best part of the game was the f bomb of Cordarrelle Patterson.They should have censored it with the dolphins sounds of Spongebob.
Carl’s stone cold lock of century of the week
I don’t mind the idea of having a broadcast on Nickelodeon but I don’t really see the point in it. Will some kids be interested in football now because of that game? Probably, but my guess is that most if kids that watch Nickelodeon weren’t already big into football before that broadcast, I don’t think they’ll be any more interested in it afterwards. I imagine most kids tuned in to watch Spongebob or whatever Nickelodeon has to offer now, saw sports and were like “ew what is this” before switching the channel to Cartoon Network or whatever else. It was a cute one-time thing, but it probably won’t stick.
As you mentioned, though, it does not help at all that they did this for Bears-Saints, literally the worst matchup of these playoffs by far. At best it was going to be a complete blowout by New Orleans, but of course Drew Brees’ inability to push the ball downfield just turned it into an ugly slog that most had turned off after half– oh wait it was the most viewed game. Of course it was.
On the topic of Drew Brees and his short passes, watching him play and throw is very similar to watching Peyton in his last season. He could run the offense, read the defense, and do everything almost like usual except get air under the ball. Brees started losing distance at least 2 years ago so this was to be expected. Hopefully he has enough to save us from Brady advancing any further.
It’s kind of similar although Brees has a little more power on his throws. Watching Peyton’s final year was brutal. His passes had zero velocity. He couldn’t even put any mustard on a short slant or screen pass it was so bad. Brees can still fit it in some tight spots when needed.
In fairness to Drew, I don’t think ANYONE would look great playing shortly after having a collapsed lung and 11 broken ribs across both sides of his chest. Age certainly factors in, but I give him all the props in the world for coming back from that as quickly as he did.
How about they do a Who Framed Roger Rabit type of theme. Mixed Disney and WB characters. We have the CGI to put those characters on the field. Daffy Duck versus Donald Duck Part 2 getting in a fight about a bad penalty call. Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny doing the color commentary.
Everyone once in awhile you see Goofy doing random slapstick stuff in the background. Other characters too. Kinda like Space Jam but with football and Disney.
I’d PAY to watch “Brak and Zorak: Undisputed”
That SyFy case would be really cool if the players were CGId into their namesakes/mascots e.g. mountain sheep stomping on hawks or young horsies and buffaloes headbutting each other
I gotta say, The Home Shopping Network has to be the worst network to air a NFL game on. The whole point of the broadcast would be to sell some football related crap that I do not need. Plus, the people on HSN bore the crap out of me.
You forgot the most important part of the TV Land broadcast: the laugh track. Also, I would watch football again, and get cable again, for your FXX version of this. Words cannot describe how badly I want that in my life for every Eagles game. I would accept it not being Eagles-only, and the crew instead being put on the “Dumpster Fire of the Week” game.
Didn’t get to watch this live, but did see bits and pieces of both the Nickelodeon and CBS broadcasts. What strikes me the most is that because the on-field product was so bad, it kinda accomplished the opposite of what it was meant to do. Instead of kids watching the broadcast and getting interested in the game of football, I’d wager most viewers on Nick were adults (who are already football fans) who were bored with the game itself and watched the broadcast for the gimmicks. The broadcast had to be interesting enough to prop up the game, instead of the game being the main action and the broadcast just being side supports. Jim and Tony are generally a good commentating duo, but I heard multiple stories of people getting bored with them and switching to Nick because there’s slime cannons and stuff.
In other news, Mitch Trubisky’s NVP is on his Pro Football Reference page now. https://www.pro-football-reference.com/players/T/TrubMi00.htm
I really just realized that I need Ed, Edd, and Eddy in the both. Cankers/Rolf as sideline reporters
NFL on Crunchyroll:
Izuku Midoriya and Naruto as commentators. When a flag is thrown, Izuku starts muttering about the football rules. During the player intros, they show the players’ portraits in the style of the Wanted posters in One Piece. Every touchdown is accompanied by Star Platinum shouting “ORAORAORAORAORAORA”. They put the face of a Titan between the goalpost in field goal attempts. Every timeout is accompanied by DIO Shouting “ZA WARUDO”.