WILDCARD WEEK PICKS – HOLY SHIT THE BROWNS DID IT
HAHAHAHA THEY DID IT! THE BEAUTIFUL MOTHERFUCKERS DID IT! GOD BLESS THE CLEVELAND BROWNS!
I was all prepared to pat the Browns on the bum and say “Good show this season boys. Sorry it ended like this, but ya’ll finally made it back at least” and then they go and possibly send Big Ben’s fat face into the west forever. I’m so jazzed. I expected the Bills to finally break their playoff loss streak this weekend. After everything that happened with the Browns (No coach, injuries, struggling to beat the Steelers backups in week 17), I just couldn’t see this streak ending. But they did it. They did it. They motherfucking did it. I’m so happy for you, Cleveland. This was such a long time coming. To finally break that streak, against your most hated of rivals, in Pittsburgh…just incredible. I only wish there had been a home crowd to witness it. I don’t know if this run can continue, but this has already been a success of a season. Congratulations, Browns. Congratulations.
To the Bills: I also raise a glass. You also earned it. The Browns and the Bills both entered the playoffs by vanquishing an ancient old fart QB with noodle arms. Rivers tried to throw a hail mary in that last attempt and didn’t even reach the 5 yard line from the 50. Rivers and Ben have had good runs, but I think they should follow Eli and walk into the sunset. I’m glad the Bills won that game, especially after that highly suspect reviewed call on that fumble a few plays earlier. The Bills had a scare at the end but still look like a legit team out for blood.
Before we bid farewell to those who left us this week and look forward to the next, I want to say…I’m not sure I like 3 games in a row for two days straight. It was really tiring and dull during most of the games. I prefer 2 games per day. I also enjoyed the Nickelodeon broadcast, and expect a comic about that this week.
To the losers of the weekend, we bid adieu to you.
STEELERS – Well that was the wettest of farts to end a promising start. 11-0, incredible defense, an old but effective Ben…then it all just crumbled in front of us over the last several weeks. The team needs to move on from Ben. He has a huge cap hit next season and he looks toasted. JuJu is likely gone otherwise and maybe he’s gone anyway. The defense is set up for the future but it won’t mean much if they are asking Mason Rudolph to carry the torch. All in all, if this is Ben’s swan song, it ended with a gross thud on the pavement.
TITANS – When they punted in Ravens territory later in the game while losing, the entire football world seemed to turn on them and enjoy their misery. A cowardly punt, one of the worst all year. For a team that seemed to thrive on being a bully and doing bold things, this was a disappointing end. They need to fix the defense but overall this was still a positive year for the Titans and proved that this squad wasn’t just a fluke in 2019. This is a team that can compete with the best of the league. I hope they don’t waste Derrick Henry’s remaining golden years.
COLTS – I guess you existed. I watched maybe 2 Colts games all year so honestly I don’t have much of an opinion. I couldn’t even name more than like, 5 players on this squad. One of you Colts fans in the comments can offer a better post-mortem than me.
BEARS – This game was a very good indicator that you were what we thought you were. Absolute frauds. Fine, your defense ain’t too shabby. But your coach sucks. Your QB sucks. Your team still sucks. I would have rather watched the Cardinals, Cowboys, Giants, Eagles, 49ers, Vikings, even the coachless Lions in this game instead of you. If you extend Mitch you deserve everything that happens. My guess is Mitch leaves, Nagy stays, starts Foles next year, and then Nagy gets fired when the team is 2-7.
TEAM – I guess it was inevitable that this sad sack leader of a sad sack division would go down. At least you went down swinging and ironically may have found your future QB in Heinicke. The little AAF upstart that could made it interesting but the Team just did not have what it takes to stop the Brady Powerhouse. The vaunted defensive line led by Chase Young barely scratched him. Still, the TEAM looked like a decent if not great squad when they didn’t start Dwayne Haskins or Kyle Allen, so this team might have a future. I hope they keep the name.
SEAHAWKS – hahahahaha, probably the second most embarrassing loss of the weekend behind Pittsburgh. The Rams were down to thumbless Jared Goff at QB and they still stunk like ass. Absolutely pathetic performance by Seattle. For a team that started incredibly strong and had super bowl vibes and aspirations, they just fell apart completely. Honestly once they lost to the Giants that should have been the point when we wrote them off for good. Now the team has some serious things to iron out as it appears their slow slide into irrelevance after the early 2010 peak years is continuing.
PICS!
Chaos took a bit hit this weekend, but if you still desire to root for nonsense, the Browns and Rams are our best chaotic options left. After that, the Chiefs, Bills, and Ravens are the preferred options over anything left in the NFC. The AFC is officially the cool zone now.
RAMS @ PACKERS
The Rams defense is incredibly legit and I hope Aaron Donald is alright so this game is good. It’s hard to trust a Rams team with a broken QB and possible Blake Bortles starting, but you never know. Chaos in the NFC is incredibly low, with 3 (37 or older) HoF QBs leading great teams and one chaotic team driven by a man with no thumb. The NFC is boring. I don’t have faith in the Rams, but I am 100% on team McVay.
If the Rams win, I will draw Jared Goff trying to give two thumbs up (partial idea from anonymous below)
If the Packers win, I will draw a Ram frozen in ice as a smug Rodgers ice skates
RAVENS @ BILLS
This is a tough matchup for the Bills, but that’s what happens when you reach the divisional round and only good teams are left. The Ravens got off to a slow start against the Titans but this team is built different that last year’s squad. This team can win it. This team has the resilience that they need to push it. In situations like this that extra bit of experience matters a lot. The Bills are still a relatively fresh faced playoff squad with a young leader. They are probably more talented, but I can easily see the Ravens winning this. I think they do, actually, even though I am personally rooting for the Bills.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Super Saiyan Lamar flushing a buffalo down the toilet
If the Bills win, I will draw a Buffalo stampeding over pooping Lamar
BROWNS @ CHIEFS
While it is now clear that the Browns offense can keep up with anyone, chances are low that they get the same kind of turnover luck against the Chiefs that they had against the Steelers. As fun as that game was, 28-0 in one quarter is fluke stuff you don’t get every game. The Browns secondary is still a mess, half their offensive line got hurt, and the Chiefs are extremely potent. That pass rush should help Cleveland as Mahomes likes to backpedal too much to give himself time, but they have to reach him quickly because I can see Hill and Kelce feasting on the Cleveland DBs. This is a winnable game for the Browns, but it’s hard to pick against the Chiefs. Frankly though, Cleveland is now playing with house money. The season is already a resounding success. The Chiefs have more expectations. Maybe it’ll happen. May Chaos Reign.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Kermit Mahomes riding the Walrus as it eats the Brownie
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie, but swole as fuck
BUCS @ SAINTS
OLD MAN FIGHT ROUND 3. This game is the one I’m least looking forward to because I don’t like either team and wish they could both be eliminated. The Bucs have already lost twice to the Saints, but now Brady has experience with them and they just look stronger now. The Saints had some trouble against the stout Bears but I doubt it’ll be as hard against Tampa. I just…want both of these QBs to fucking retire. I might even prefer the Bucs win because Brees is more likely to hang it up this offseason than Brady is and maybe losing to Brady will do it. Hopefully at minimum the game is fun. At least one of them is out after this. We either get to laugh at Tom losing 3 times to the same team for the first time in his career, or watch the Saints lose another heartbreak game they were favored in. A small consolation prize for both scenarios.
If the Bucs win, I will draw old Tom with a lightsaber cane striking down old Drew Brees
If the Saints win, I will draw the exact same thing, only vice versa (Good idea KansasTexan)
It would have been amazing to see a 7-win team, playing their 4th option at QB, who was out of the NFL and taking online math courses last month, beat Thomas Josea Eduardicus Patricia Methusaleh Brady XXLCIVII. Was hoping to see Chase Young clean the dude’s clock a lot more, then we could really see what gramps is made of.
Impressive win from the Browns. I put my kid to bed before I was able to turn the game on, and I came in at 28-0, still in the first quarter. And I just stared at the screen in disbelief. I know the Steelers fed on the NFCE and were kind of bad, but still. It’s almost as though the Browns are… better off… when you remove OBJ from the equation. Shocking!
It’s not that they’re better off with OBJ off the team. It’s that Baker felt a compulsion to look for OBJ no matter who the primary target on a play was. Hopefully he’s matured enough as a QB that it won’t be the case next year, because this offense plus OBJ with Baker spreading the ball around like he’s supposed to will be nuclear.
That’s kind of the point, though. If a WR is all “me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me”, that can mess with the QB’s chemistry with other players. Back when he was still a Jint, Eli had significantly better stats with everyone else than he did with OBJ. When you have a guy flinging his arms in the air and screaming at the qb when he doesn’t get throws, it can seriously damage your offense. There is certainly a chance this is more about Baker’s growth than OBJ’s selfishness, but until we see otherwise, I assume it’s the former. Congrats to you guys, either way. A playoff win was long overdue.
He’s not all “me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me.” The issue was entirely internal with Baker, nothing that OBJ did. OBJ never did the stuff you’re describing with the Browns. He mostly just goes out and does his job, including doing the dirty work that all the Browns’ wideouts are expected to do. The injury means he’s financially tied to the team in 2021, so we’ll see if it works better. If not, they can cut or trade him without penalty in 2022.
I meant to add that I was pulling for the Giants to win the division. Both for the silliness of a 6-10 division champion and because I felt like the Giants maybe sort of did end up being the best team in the NFCE. Sorry Philly rolled over for the TEAM. I know that pain very well after 2007.
stafford and OBJ to the pats!
I’ll admit I don’t watch Browns games, so the only window I get into his behavior these days is via the media. But in NY, he could be triple teamed, if the ball wasn’t thrown his way, he’d throw his arms in the air, stomp his little feet, and pitch a fit. It got really old. If he actually changed the behavior in Cleveland, good on him, but all I’ve heard are things like the watch, taking jobs with Nike, the facemask, all the little things that put his own needs above others. I willingly recant that assessment if he’s no longer that dude.
I’m actually happy the Giants got locked out of the playoffs. Longterm damage to the Iggles is more valuable than watching my 6-10 team get mauled. XD
Baker wasn’t as good early in the season with a new coaching staff, new offense, working on new footwork, and without an off-season to get it started up. Closer to mid-season, he had cracked ribs, a messed up thumb, and he wasn’t bad but had low stats… they played a whole streak of games in monsoon weather and just thumped people on the ground.
He definitely tried a little too hard to get it to OBJ in the first quarter of the season, but the better-without storyline is lazy and dumb.
I had no issues with Chase Young saying he wanted Brady because I genuinely believed that he and that Washington front were going to back up that talk and stifle him. If you told me before the game that Taylor Heinicke was going to come in have an outstanding performance last night, I’d have assumed Washington was going to win.
You just can’t come off the field saying “I want Tom. I want Tom.” then proceed to let Tom Brady’s receivers be your best defenders all night (he would have finished with 450 yards and 4 TDs if not for the 10 drops from Bucs’ WRs). He might not get much flak for because he’s young, but boy, that was a real stinker performance from Washington’s defense.
Agreed. They make too much of the whole “Don’t give them bulletin board material!!!” thing. Burress predicted the score before the 2008 Super Bowl, Brady scoffed at him, everyone said “Oh no! He gave them bulletin board material!!” and the Giants won. It’s not like saying something in advance is a guarantee you’ll lose. You just gotta, ya know, show up.
Given that he was just sort of chanting it in the heat of the moment as he came off the field, I kind of sort of give him a pass. As you said, he is young, figuratively and literally, so we’ll see what he does next time.
People making an issue out of bulletin board material after a loss is peak hindsight bias. It’s easy to scream “I told ya so!!!!” when a player talks shit and loses (see Juju Smith-Schuester and the Steelers in general), but they usually remain silent or come up with some sort of lame excuse as soon as someone backs up said talk (see Richard Sherman in his prime or Jalen Ramsey). Like you said, it doesn’t matter what you say, all that matters is whether or not you back it up.
I do believe Chase Young will learn from this. It wasn’t entirely his fault either. As someone below pointed out, the Bucs were double teaming him and even using Gronk as an extra tackle just to keep him out of the game (also didn’t help that Washington didn’t get a single holding call despite the Bucs’ OL basically tackling them half the night).
Chase Young had Gronk blocking him all night. The Bucs basically decided to use Gronk as an extra offensive lineman in front of Young and trust that the rest of their offensive weapons could beat the rest of the WFT’s defense. Which they did. Above all else, IMO it’s a pretty clear reminder of why Gronk is still one of the best TEs in the league – he can either be a damn good receiver (if not quite what he once was) or he can be an elite o-lineman (and probably as good at that as ever).
Ideas for game outcomes
KC>CLE: Kermit Mahomes re-opening the “factory of sadness”
CLE>KC: The Hydra of Browns QBs rejoicing
BAL>BUF: John Harbaugh and Poop Lamar celebrating with toilet paper
BUF>BAL: Stefon Diggs and Josh Allen cleaning a Bills themed bathroom, flushing Poop Lamar
GB>LAR: Aaron Rodgers giving two thumbs up while Goff can only give one thumb up
LAR>GB: A ram eating cheese
NO>TB: Drew Brees in a golf cart again, but this time he’s also kicking Tom Brady off the golf cart
TB>NO: The wolverine meme but it’s Belichick holding a picture of Brady (and Gronk too if he has a good game)
Long-time reader, very rare commenter. So honored to have an idea potentially used. Thanks man, and keep up the excellent work you’ve entertained us all with for so many years
HOLY SHIT THEY DID IT
If the Browns beat the Chiefs, do Brownie drinking tea at Kermit Mahomes.
I’m only doing the teams I want to win.
If the Rams win, a ram butting a wedge of cheese into space.
If the Browns win, Kermit and a walrus defecating themselves from the brown noise.
If the Bills win, Allen Diggs putting a raven through a table Dudly Boyz style.
If the Saints win, Old Man Brady losing a sword duel of canes to Old Man Breese. (I suppose this works for the other way around too).
I’M HOPPING ON THE CHUBBWAGON BOYS
That performance from Pittsburgh last night deserved to get a lot of people fired. They had everything playing to their advantage going into that game and laid one of the worst eggs I have ever witnessed. I would be harder on them but I live in Pittsburgh, so I feel for all my friends and family that had to sit through whatever the hell that shitshow was. That was absolutely pathetic on all counts and the decision punt on a 4th and 1 down 12 in the 4th quarter managed to make me want to punch my TV even though I’m not a Stillers fan lmao.
Congrats Mike Vrabel, your cowardice earlier in the day will now be somewhat forgotten, although you deserve all the slander in the world for that weak ass call too. That’s coaching to lose. Period.
I didn’t sleep at all. I’m just so elated and happy for my Browns and my Erie Bros in Buffalo.
After the Browns went up 28-0 in the first quarter, I was starting to wonder if we were going to give Ben a wild card sendoff like the Jags sent Marino into retirement… but then our terrible secondary remembered they weren’t actually that good.
Chiefs are going to kill us, but I’m hoping we go down swinging, and have a worthy sequel to the OU Mayfield vs TTech Mahomes college game that their first pro meeting did not live up to.
let’s see…
if the Ravens beat the Bills, draw Super Saiyan Lamar pooping on a table
if the Bucs beat the Saints, draw the NFL collectively groaning as Brady makes yet ANOTHER conference championship game
I was surprised to see no 4th quarter Russ magic and to see the Hawks flounder all game. Next week we have old man Brees vs old man Brady. No matter who wins it’d be good to see them in a slap fight behind their walkers in an old folks home.
The Ravens vs the Bills should be the best game. If the Ravens win you could draw actual ravens divebombing through tables.
as a seahawks fan, pain
Weird season for Seattle, the worst 12-4 team I’ve ever seen. Only 3 of their 12 wins were decisive (by more than one score) and they played the woeful NFCE + the Jets. They always start slow, then get red hot for the last two months. This year the offense started out on fire with an historically bad defense. Half way through they completely switched with the D allowing only 14 pts/game and the offense forgetting why they are on the field.
Maybe someday Carroll and Schneider will address that absolute sieve of an O-line and finally give Russ more than two seconds to get rid of the ball before having to run for his life.
NOW BOARDING THE BILLS/BROWNS BANDWAGONS.
If the Bills win, a big ol’ “buffalo chip” clogs Lamar’s toilet.
I think Divisional Weekend looks very exciting! Some intriguing, refreshing matchups we’ve not ever seen in the playoffs.
If the Bucs beat the Saints, draw Tom Brady as the Pope.
If the Browns beat the Chiefs, draw Baker Mayfield and Myles Garrett as Statler & Waldorf, heckling Kermit Mahomes
Don’t want to mean, but Josh Allen nose looks weird
I tried to watch the Nickelodeon broadcast, but it was pretty cringe. Nothing about it was bad or offensive or anything, just the whole thing stunk of some network head coming in to a meeting and being like: “My grandkids only talk about Fortnite! How can we co-opt the superficial surface elements of their culture so they’ll talk to me about things I like?” I bailed when it came time for the one football announcer to explain to the two non football announcers the challenge rules.
As for the Browns Steelers game… that first quarter was positively erotic. I live with an obnoxious yinzer. I NEEDED that first quarter. The amount of shit he talked; excuse me, the amount of shit he SCREAMED while the Steelers were going 11-0 had me rooting for the upset in the worst possible way.
I could only get through 3 plays of the Nickelodeon broadcast before immediately switching back to CBS. It was awful and honestly I don’t see how it would make any kid more interested in watching football. If they weren’t watching the regular broadcasts I don’t think adding slime graphics after TDs and having a commentator lose their mind over punts will convince them to start watching lol.
What a weekend. Three long playoff win droughts snapped, a couple upsets, and overall I think every game (maybe not Bears-Saints though) had something fun to offer.
Tossing out some pic ideas:
If the Bills win, they throw Lamar’s toilet through a table.
If the Chiefs win, draw Mahomes covering the Browns’ “Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts” rainbow with ketchup.
If the Packers win, a cheese wheel chases a ram downhill.
Whatever you do for Bucs-Saints, if it involves old man Brady and old man Brees I approve.
Saints vs. Bucs: Old man Brady or Brees victorious with the last Werther’s Original.
As Browns fan, I just want to see Brownie swole as fuck (got a laugh out of me) no matter what, win or lose. Hell, I’d make it my profile pic
Dave once did a series of NFL logos on steroids, including a very buff Brownie.
Link to it on Uproxx not working for me tho…..
Uproxx killed all the old stuff from KSK and whatnot, I have to re-upload a lot of them here sometime
Are you ever going to lay off Lamar pooping? I mean… don’t, but I’m still wondering.
Ahh to be a small market fan, I can offer a quick rundown of the colts:
We’re an 11 win team that has an excellent young core including 5 all-pros (Nelson, Leonard, Odum, Buckner, Kelly). We lost a close game to arguably the leagues hottest team by 3 points a week after they dropped 50+ on Miami. We also had every chance to win that game but came up with a few errors in big moments.
We could never rely on Rivers all season we needed him the most, his noodle arm limited our offense too much. We are a solid QB away from being a top SB contender. Bring on Stafford!
I was assuming it would be Wentz, but the Eagles made a pretty definitive statement about his future with the team by firing Pederson. Stafford makes sense too, though I could see the Patriots going for him and they can outbid the Colts.
I didn’t think it could get any better than seeing Ben go all Sad Keanu on the sidelines
then Chase Claypool got to tweeting hot garbage and it all got kicked up a notch!
what is it with steelers WRs being whiny divas?
I love everything right now.
My joy is tempered somewhat by the fact that my wife is a HUGE Chiefs fan and has already threatened to, umm, “embargo” if the Browns win next week.
Then again, how often do the Browns have a chance to reach the AFCCG???? Worth it!
GO BROWNS ! ! !
man the angry sex after my Texans beat my wife’s Bengals in the playoffs was awesome; y’all are missing out!
My wife is a Steelers fan (you know it’s true love). I was watching her go through all five stages of grief in rapid succession on Sunday and wondering if that’s what I looked like screaming at the TV all these years.
Just gonna drop this nugget in the swimming pool without further comment and hope Dave picks up on it later in the week:
https://www.tsn.ca/bill-belichick-turns-down-presidential-medal-of-freedom-1.1575917
My suggestion is late, but maybe if the Bills win you should have dwarf Cole Beasley shooting Lamar on the toilet a la “Game of Thrones”
With a crossbow*
If the Lions managed to re-sign Stafford you could have a Lannister themed cartoon “A Ford always pays his vets”