CARTOON PICKS WEEK 16 – NFC East Still Wide Open
Hell yeah baby, we’re almost there!
Week 16 was weird and introduced some fun complications to the playoff picture. The Browns, who looked like an easy sho-in, now dangle perilously close to missing the playoffs all together because they couldn’t beat the Jets. Yes, half the Browns team was on COVID protocol, but it was the Jets! The Jets! We might be in for a repeat of the Browns 2007 season when they got 10 wins and still missed the playoffs thanks to tiebreakers. The Browns have to beat the Steelers next week to ensure victory. Beating the Steelers is not the Browns strong suit.
Speaking of the Steelers…they averted disaster with a timely comeback against the Colts to avoid a 4 game skid. Maybe they’ve found something again, maybe Philip Rivers is just back in “losing everything when the game is on the line” mode. The Colts are now the odd team out, right under the Browns. The Ravens, who have found themselves and look very dangerous, have the 6th seed. The Titans hold the South for now. The Bills are in, the Chiefs are the #1 seed despite a scare from the Falcons. The Dolphins eeked out a bizarre win against the Raiders that leaves Tua’s situation in limbo. Why put Fitz back in now? Why bench Tua anyway? Once you commit to the rookie like that for a season, you should probably keep him there to show your faith. There’s no pressure on the Dolphins at all this season, nobody expected them to be this good. They are playing with house money, but they aren’t good enough to win a Super Bowl yet. Don’t potentially damage your future’s psych with these benchings.
The Bears have squeaked into the 7th seed in the NFC thanks to the Cardinals blowing it against the 49ers. Does anybody really want to watch this Bears team in the playoffs? I sure don’t. They aren’t much fun. I’d rather see Kyler Murray scoot around and throw to Nuk and Larry. Get it together, Arizona. The Rams lost their chance to claim the West crown after losing to the Jets and letting the Seahawks win, so the Hawks are now in fine shape. The NFC South is basically determined outside which seed the Saints and Bucs end up with. What we have left to discuss is the most intriguing division of all. The Chaos Liar. Oh I love you, Chaos Lair.
The Giants are 5-10 and could win the division next week. Depending on outcome, they could also end up in 4th place for the division. The Cowboys are on a hot streak. The TEAM has faltered after Smith got hurt and they had to start the wet stripper fart that is Dwayne Haskins. The Eagles are now officially eliminated, sadly. However, for the funniest result, you should actually root for the Giants. If the Giants beat Dallas and Philly beats the TEAM, the Giants take the division at 6 wins. If you don’t think that’s amazing, we can’t be friends.
It’s not likely though. The Giants are bad and will likely lose to the Cowboys. The TEAM already beat Philly once and could likely wreak havoc on that poor Philly line once more but Hurts takes better care of the ball than Wentz does. The Cowboys are the team I actually am the most worried by. They aren’t the same team that looked lost in midseason. Dalton is fine, the defense has improved, and the team seems like they’ve figured it out. They probably would have run away with the division had Dak not died putting them in QB hell for several weeks. By the way, how can the Giants finish first or last in the same week? If they beat Dallas and TEAM loses, they are first thanks to tiebreakers in a 3-way 6 win tie. If they lose to Dallas and the TEAM loses, Philly has half a game on them at 5-10-1. Hilarious. My prediction for this mess? TEAM takes the division, but only if Smith starts. If Haskins starts, Cowboys take it.
CARTOONS!
IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN BOYS
JAGUARS @ COLTS
Congrats, Jacksonville! You did it! You won the Lawrence sweepstakes! Even if you win this game he’s yours, so why not go to the spoiler route for fun? Nah, this team needs to be purged, so commit to the bit and make all those dumb media dudes who hate that losing gets you better draft picks angry. The Colts need this win to have a chance.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw the Tank on a beautiful farewell tour
TITANS @ TEXANS
The Titans need this one. The Texans are just biding time till they can hire Eric Bieniemy. Actually, can we talk about Eric Bieniemy for a second? He’s clearly the hottest commodity as HC material but why is everyone this high on him? He’s the Chiefs offensive coordinator. He’s had Patrick Mahomes to work with, and he works under Andy Ried, a well-known offensive guru. I have a lot of concerns over how much success we can actually attribute to Bieniemy. Half of what makes Mahomes look so good is that he plays backyard football. Nothing about the gameplans or calls ever struck me as genius, and if they are genius, how do we know it was Bieniemy and not also Reid? I’d love to see Bieniemy do well and giving him DeShaun Watson sounds delightful but I’m confused why there isn’t more debate around him.
If the Texans win, I will draw a Bull goring the state of Tennessee
VIKINGS @ LIONS
The Lions are in a state of mess I haven’t been able to see before. That Bucs game was astonishing. The Vikings are garbage but they can certainly ruin their own draft picks with this one.
If the Lions win, I will draw a Gatorade bath being given to an empty space
FALCONS @ BUCS
The Falcons almost did it and shocked the world. Then they went and Falcons’d. The Bucs are probably the 5th seed, as it is their destiny to get upset by the winner of the NFCE.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Matt Ryan shrugging, because who cares anymore
TEAM @ EAGLES
EDIT: Haskins has been released, negating everything I originally wrote here. I think the Eagles win this.
If the TEAM wins, I will draw the DC Taylor Hienicke memorial
JETS @ PATRIOTS
Man, the Jets are locked in at the #2 pick, this would be a hilarious game to win just out of pure spite.
If the Jets win, I will draw Adam Gase as Voldemort
DOLPHINS @ BILLS
The Bills already have the division and could very likely just rest people, while the Dolphins are in a more necessary situation. I dunno what the Dolphins are up to, but if the Bills take it easy this week (which is my prediction), the Phish should take it.
If the Bills win, I will draw the Fitz Dolphin frozen in ice
STEELERS @ BROWNS
If the Browns had beaten the Jets this game would barely matter. Now it might be the end of the Browns. I can think of nothing more Browns. A Colts loss would also clinch the Browns into the playoffs, but since the Colts play the Jags, I wouldn’t count on that. I think we are genuinely headed for a Browns spectacular failure. Gonna hurt really bad!
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie weeping with joy, as everything is beautiful and nothing hurts
SAINTS @ PANTHERS
The Saints are pretty much set as the #2 seed so they might not even bother trying, but I feel like it’ll be an excuse for Sean Payton to do a bunch of dumb shit with Taysom Hill. Also the Panthers are kinda bust.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Sir Purr blowing a noisemaker with mild enthusiasm
PACKERS @ BEARS
Packers, do us a favor, and save us from having to watch Mitch Trubisky in the playoffs.
If the Bears win, I will draw Mitch Trubisky in a state farm ad
CHARGERS @ CHIEFS
The Chiefs have no reason to try. The conference is theirs.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Walrus Reid impaling Justin Herbert on his tusks
COWBOYS @ GIANTS
Cowboys are playing well, Giants are playing like butt. They gave me one week of genuine hope and joy this year, I’ll take it and now go back into my hole.
If the Giants win, I will draw Daniel Jones as a literal cowboy standing over the corpse of Sheriff Dalton
RAVENS @ BENGALS
The Ravens are probably a good dark horse super bowl pick right now, this team looks frightening since Lamar’s deuce dropped.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Lamar being flushed
CARDINALS @ RAMS
Goff broke his thumb and the Rams are falling apart. The Cardinals need this more, even as they also fall apart.
If the Rams win, I will draw Sean McVay winning the Hot Sexy Young Coach trophy over a despondent Kliff Kingsbury
SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS
The 49ers got a healthy Kittle back and the Seahawks are untrustworthy, but I gotta take the expected win here. This is a good spoiler pick though.
If the 49ers win, I will draw George Kittle not being impressed with Wilson on top chef
RAIDERS @ BRONCOS
Does anyone even care about this game? I debated even including it in the write-up.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Jon Gruden, looking whistfully into the distance, drinking wine
I love how Browns the Browns Browned and how Jetsy the Jets Jetsed yesterday. Here, at the end of all things, Gase & Co. decide to go on a 2-game win streak, ensuring they lose the #1 pick. X’D I only wish the Browns decided to jump into a hot tub together LAST WEEK.
Also, I know Daniel Jones looks up and down these days (he is the most pressured qb in the league, so he gets some slack from me). BUT. I will never not look at the absolute dumpster fire that is Dwayne Haskins and laugh at aaaaalllll the people who said how mind numbingly dumb the Giants were for passing on him, despite his career being built by dumping 2-3 yard passes and watching his WRs do the rest.
Oh, we’re dumb. But we’re not THAT dumb. I generally try not to laugh at young players for sabotaging their careers, (outside of Johnny Manziel and Matt Leinart, anyway) but I make an exception here. He was right, though. The league really done messed up; most people thought he’d be at least mildly competent. He ain’t.
And he is cut.
I saw this on twitter and chortled to myself:
“Lori Loughlin and Dwayne Haskins both got released earlier than expected.”
If the Jets win you should draw Gase as Voldemort giving Belichik as Palpatine a wedgie.
“Depending on if Haskins starts, Iām going to make two predictions here and edit the pick on gameday. If Haskins starts, the Eagles win. If Smith starts, the TEAM wins.”
What if Taylor Heinicke starts? š I think the WFT is done with Haskins, but Smith may not be ready for the (now late) game on Sunday. I think Heinicke might be a viable option…
I didn’t understand Miami’s decision to bench Fitzpatrick back when it happened, and I’m even more confused about it now. Obviously Tua is the future, but look at their passing offense with him on the field. It’s nonexistent. They don’t push the ball down the field at all and lean heavily on the run the game, which is fine until you face a team that can stop the run effectively.
Honestly, their best bet is to roll with Fitzpatrick this week and in the postseason if they make it. He opens up the passing attack for them and if you want to get anywhere in the playoffs, you have to be able to throw the ball. The only downside is that Fitzmagic can and likely will turn into Fitztragic at some point, just gotta hope that it’s not this season.
What if Miami did some *extensive* research and asked Mr. Owl how many throws it takes to get to the Tragic end of a Fitzmagic Pop? And so they benched him riiiiiiiight before he usually turns. And then they just bring him out like a super weapon when they need it, continually trying to keep the bad genie in the bottle? It’s actually… a pretty decent idea. Probably destroying Tua’s psyche, but hey, if it works.
If Tua is who we think he is, he can handle it
It’s a very dangerous game they’re currently playing with Fitzpatrick. Russian Roulette basically.
Haskins has been released from the WFT, according to schefty
aaaaaaand Haskins is gone. That’s probably a career right?
I could see the CFL take a chance on him as a backup, but not much else. Maybe the NAL or IFL
More than likely. If you’re a QB taken with a top 16 pick and can’t make it past YEAR TWO, your career is undoubtedly over.
The sad part is that biggest loser of the Dwayne Haskins saga is Justin Fields. Yet another failed Ohio State QB prospect.
Ok, so what’s the bet for the Iggles/WFT game if Heinicke starts?
What is Taylor Heinicke starts? Haskins is cut
As a Pats fan, I’d love to see them lose to Jets to not only improve their draft position (which unlike the Giants or Jets they wouldn’t screw up a high pick), but also to fuel the “Jets went on a run at the end of the year, they could be something next” hilarious nonsense that people said about them last year when they went on a “run” that included beating all the teams everyone belittled the Patriots for beating at the start of the season.
COVID-19
BROWNS-0
MNF sighting: MATT BARKLEY!!!
I’m really going to miss these post. You should continue into the playoffs.
Also, I’m all for chaos so I’m rooting for the Giants to win the NFC East. Let chaos begin!
Matt Barkley comic?????? perhaps????
“Look at me Bill. I am the Division Captain now.”
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gonna feel foolish next year.
The Patriots are not going to immediately spring back into contention next year. They have way too many issues at too many key positions to initiate a quick rebuild like that.
Please for the love of 2021. Please win Browns. Just kick Mason Rudolph’s ass for me.
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!