CARTOON PICKS WEEK 8 – Fuck the Raiders
EDIT: Do not expect a comic Wednesday, and possibly not Friday either. All my American readers understand these next few days are going to be hell, even if we get the result we want.
Another week, another incorrectly picked Raiders game. It’s basically guaranteed that I get them wrong again.
Week 8 has come and gone. The Chargers are the most underrated choke artists of the year. Other teams get the spotlight. The Chargers have kept that choking grind going for years. No lead is safe for Spanos. Justin Herbert can look like the best QB in the league for a half of football, then he turtles and the team never succeeds again. I want to put my faith in this team but fate has kept me at bay. They are better than their record, but they will not do anything of note this season.
The Bills might not be worth giving much attention to either. This was the week for them to stamp it down. The Patriots are reeling, they were in Buffalo, this was it. Everything was in Buffalo’s favor. They legitimately came close to losing. The Patriots were in short field goal range to at minimum tie it up before the late fumble which saved the Bills. The Patriots didn’t even look good during the game, this wasn’t an incredible effort by New England. The Bills just…barely squeaked by. The early season showings may have simply been a paper tiger. The Dolphins might be the best team in the division right now. Tua’s first game was a great start, outside his first play where he got strip sacked by Aaron Donald. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Bills hang onto the division from here out, but I have less and less faith that they’ll win any meaningful games in January.
The Titans took a huge L, and the Bengals managed to finish off a game. The Bengals are bad, but Burrow is willing this garbage heap to an actual competition. You know, this take might cancel me, but I don’t think Skyline Chili is that bad. I had it once, after meeting my friend in Cincy one night driving cross country, and he took me there for dinner. I had never heard of it. Was it good? Not particularly. But it wasn’t inedible garbage. It was about what I expected out of fast food noodles with meat and cheese on top. Honestly I think the biggest problem is one of branding. It isn’t really chili. It’s pasta with meat sauce topped with cheese. If you think about it as a bowl of chili, it’s going to let you down. Chili is incredible and can be so much better than Skyline’s weird sweet soup. But pasta? Buttery pasta doesn’t have a high ceiling or low floor on taste. If you approach Skyline Chili as a low-cost noodles with meat sauce (something I ate a ton of in college), it’s honestly just fine. I won’t begrudge Cincinnati their goofy local chain. I went to school in Rochester, home of the garbage plate. Skyline is fine.
The Packers also took a huge L, embarrassing themselves against the Vikings. The Packers look mortal now too. The Vikings should be beating nobody.
At least the Jets still Jets’d to keep us in a sense of normalcy as we Americans enter what will likely be the most stressful and awful week of the year. Thanks, Jets.
I did terrible this week. Good news for you!
WEEK 9 BABY
PACKERS @ 49ERS
The Packers have taken a couple L’s recently. The 49ers are still a good team despite the injuries. I think this game is probably closer than it should be, but the 49ers are probably just injured enough.
If the 49ers win, I will draw prospector Jimmy carving a big middle finger out of a block of cheese with his pic axe
TEXANS @ JAGS
The Jags have entered the Lawrence/Fields sweepstakes as the Minshew experiment just isn’t working. The Texans managed to rip off the front office firing band-aid already, while the Jags are likely just waiting till the season ends. I feel bad for Minshew. He tries, but he just isn’t there, and he has no help outside Chark.
If the Jags win, I will draw Minshew Jaguar eating JJ Watt
GIANTS @ TEAM
Daniel Jones has won 4 NFL games as a starter. 3 of them have come against the TEAM. The TEAM are still a mess, and the Giants need to win something to keep the NFCE as even as possible. In these dark times in New York, we’ve always been able to rely on one thing: Washington will suck worse. Please note this will likely be the only time I pick the Giants all year.
If the TEAM wins, I will draw Dwayne Haskins cheering from the bench
RAVENS @ COLTS
The Ravens just aren’t as good as last year. The Colts are the quietest decent team in the league. I’m not sure I’ve seen a team get less attention so far than Indianapolis. Maybe Philip Rivers is a media attention vacuum because even the Chargers are getting some looks with Herbert around.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Lamar Jackson spray painting the words “The Baltimore” over Colts
LIONS @ VIKINGS
The Lions are gonna go 8-8, somehow sneak into the playoffs as the 7th seed, and keep Matt Patricia. It is known.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Prince kicking Henry Ford in the balls
BEARS @ TITANS
The Bears are annoying and probably my second most incorrect pick. The Titans are good, but they looked terrible against Cincy and the Bears have an annoying tendency to just stay in games.
If the Titans win, I will draw Derrick Henry eating a bear
PANTHERS @ CHIEFS
The Panthers are meh. The Chiefs are good! Go Chiefs.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Teddy Bridgewater dunking on Kermit the frog
SEAHAWKS @ BILLS
I have lost faith in the Bills. The Seahawks will have to fight the dreaded east coast flight, but I think they can do it. This would be a hell of a statement win for the Bills if they pull it off.
If the Bills win, I will draw doofy Josh Allen throwing Russ in the trash
BRONCOS @ FALCONS
The Broncos are a perfect 3rd Bridesmaid team this year. A 3rd Bridesmaid is the forgettable bridesmaid. They aren’t the Bride, so they aren’t good. They aren’t the maid of honor, who is also good. They aren’t the disaster last bridesmaid, the one that you only included in the bridal party due to family politics. They are the quiet, meaningless bridesmaid. Never even considered for maid of honor, put in the party to round out the numbers, usually a family member, like a sibling to the groom. The Broncos are not bad enough to be hilarious and fight for a top 5 pick, but they aren’t good enough to reach the playoffs. A perfect 3rd bridesmaid. The Falcons are the disaster who gets trashed the night before and throws up during the vows, then hits on the groom.
If the Falcons win, I will draw a Falcon pooping on John Elway
RAIDERS @ CHARGERS
Fuck the Raiders. Fuck the Chargers. I hate everything.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as Electro
DOLPHINS @ CARDINALS
If the Dolphins can win this game, I’m fully onboard the Fish bandwagon. I’m reluctant to truly trust them because this season started off as a sort of rebuild season, with them letting Tua get his feet wet. I didn’t expect much because I didn’t even think they expected much. But hey, the Cardinals are pretty good and are in an absolute dogfight in the west. If the Dolphins can win this…I’ll believe.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw a dolphin shooting Kyler Murray into the stratosphere with his blowhole blast
STEELERS @ COWBOYS
The Steelers are going to go 8-0 and I hate it. The NFL is more fun when the Steelers are mediocre. The last thing we need are the yinzers being louder.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Andy Dalton as the human torch, scorching Ben’s fat ass
SAINTS @ BUCS
The Saints are winning, but they feel like they shouldn’t be. Drew Brees is old and washed. Brady is going to win the second matchup and I hate it. I thought I’d like Tom Brady more once he was no longer a Patriot, but nope, I still hate him.
If the Saints win, I will draw Old Brees pushing over geriatric Brady
PATRIOTS @ JETS
The Patriots need a pity win I guess. If the Jets win this, we can pack the Patriots in a box and kick them off a cliff.
If the Jets win, I will draw Adam Gase watching contently as all of Massachusetts burns
Huh. The day you draw about a Roomba is the day my parents buy an actual Black Roomba. And I forced them to name it “Raiders Stadium“, or “Raiders Stadion” because we are Hungarian.
Based on everything we’ve heard about this wooooooonderfully mature player, I’m not sure if Haskins should be cheering if the Washington Asshats win. I think Alex Smith should be cheering from the bench while Haskins isn’t even looking at the field. Maybe he’s on a call with his dad trying to coordinate a trade to a team that will appreciate his complete inability to throw a football accurately. XD
RIT? Man I miss garbage plates.
They were truly a masterpiece of calories
My brother-in-law lives in Rochester and never shuts up about the garbage plates. Are they any good at all? He’s the kind of guy who would literally eat garbage off the floor, so his fawning over them has always been suspect to me.
They are like the epitome of hangover comfort food. You cant eat them often because you’ll fall asleep after one, but it’s just a conglomerate of delicious greasy pub food.
Ey My Steelers are doing well this year… who knows maybe one last ring for big ben?
A true Steelers fan would fully expect them to blow the Dallas game
Im Praying for the best its crazy though 7-0 I fully expected them to be 4-3
These are the best part of my Mondays.
Felt like a couple of paper tigers in the AFC definitely got exposed this week. You are spot on about the Pats-Bills game. That game had zero reason to be as tight as it was and Buffalo shouldn’t really be celebrating that win (even if it’s their first legit win against the Pats in a while). Their run defense is terrible and Josh Allen appears to have regressed back into the Josh Allen of old. Belichick must have reminded Cam of the long term goal (tank for Trevor, anyone?) because that’s the only way that I can accept that result.
I just really feel for Cam at this point. If it was Jarrett Stidham blowing out there, I could just sit back and laugh at NE’s ineptitude and the fact that they set themselves up for this result, but seeing Cam like this just hurts me. I really wanted to see him succeed with the Patriots but at the rate that things are going he’s definitely not coming back after this season, and I don’t blame him. There are far too many issues with that offense as it stands and Cam looks like a far worse QB than what he actually is because of it. This offense made Tom Brady look like he was on his way out, and you see how he looks now (NFC Offensive Player of the Month ffs). Of course Cam, a significantly worse QB, is going to look like one of the worst in the league with this unit.
And then there’s Tennessee… Can someone please tell me what the hell happened yesterday? I know Cincinnati is a tad better than what their record indicates but the Titans got absolutely waxed by a team that’s dealing with their own slew of severe internal issues.
The biggest loser, however, is the NFL for putting the Ben DiNucci-led Cowboys vs the Philadelphia Practice Squad on SNF in a week where we had Steelers-Ravens on the docket. I only managed to get through a half of whatever the hell was put on display before calling it a night. It’s not even funny how embarrassingly bad the NFC East is at this point. It’s just really, really awful football. Steelers-Ravens lived up to the hype (way more sloppy than I was expecting though) and it’s a damn shame that ended up being a 1PM game. At the very least it should have been flexed to 4PM. Do better, NFL.
Back when they made the schedule, Dallas-Philly probably seemed like a pretty decent mid-season division game. No one could predict both teams imploding the way they have.
The league doesn’t have unlimited ability to flex because of the current TV contracts. Until week 11 the league’s options are really limited. And while it’s maybe not ideal for fans, if you were CBS would you willingly give up Pittsburgh-Baltimore for some other garbage game? NBC can’t poach the game of the week every week.
It’s also expensive and a logistical challenge for a game to be moved on short notice, the home team’s fans don’t like it because it messes up their schedules as well.
Supposedly the next round of TV contracts will have greater ability to flex, but that’s a few years out.
Update*
The Buccaneers looked like a paper tiger tonight as well, even if they got the win. At least Brady got the all time TD record? Doesn’t really change the meh performance though.
That’s true but the league has shown that they’re willing to swap games when necessary (They did it earlier this season when they swapped Bucs-Raiders for Seahawks-Cardinals on SNF) and it worked out for them big time, and they’ve had more than enough time to see how woeful both teams have been this season, so it wouldn’t have been on super short notice. I do understand why CBS wouldn’t be willing to give up that game though. I know they can take NFC v NFC matchups now with the new TV contract in place, but that’s not exactly the most ideal game to be swapping.
I still think, at the very least, they could have moved the game to 4PM. That’s worthy of some sort of primetime coverage, and the game definitely lived up to the hype.
Imagine thinking that game was on cam besides the fumble. I was happy with cam’s performance all game, and he looked like a real nfl qb out there so hopefully the games against the Broncos and 49ers were just outliers.
The play calling my god it was so bad. The McDaniel special aka wasting possessions with pointless runs and short passes on 2nd and 3rd and long was in full force. THAT WAS THE STUPIDEST FUCKING ONSIDE KICK IVE EVER SEEN. We had the momentum then Bill was like nah I don’t want none of that idk if he actually is trying to lose for draft position, I really really doubt it, but plays like that make you wonder.
Cam and the running backs were the only players that played well all game. The oline was horrendous as was the entire defense (still have no goddamn idea why winovich isn’t in the game every play instead of just occasionally).
Oh trust me man, I’m not blaming Cam AT ALL. He played a good game outside of the disastrous fumble and I’m still holding out hope that the Patriots retain him for another season. I still think he can be a great QB and I believe that he can bring the Patriots back to relevance if, and only if we’re willing to fully invest in helping him. We have to give him a target on the outside and we have to come up with a more consistent and sustainable gameplan that suits his skillset. We cannot continue to treat him like Tom Brady and give him little to work with while expecting him to just carry the whole offense. He’s not Tom and he never will be. Like you said, that game was a typical McDaniels special. Just atrocious playcalling all around.
Not playing Winovich makes zero sense to me since he’s our best pass rusher by far. The defense looked mediocre as hell out there and was getting gashed all game long. Luckily Josh Allen appears to have lost all his steam so we were able to stay in the game.
… And I do NOT want to even talk about that onside kick. I really hate questioning Bill Belichick, but my God he’s made so many extremely boneheaded decisions in big moments that still have me scratching my head in confusion and frustration. Is he trying to make people think that he’s some bum carried to relevance by Tom Brady? Because if so, he’s doing a damn fine job at it.
I’m just holding out hope for 2021. Again, lots of cap space and plenty of draft picks. Belichick has had some pretty bad drafts–especially recently, but this is going to be his first real opportunity to turn things around since his 1st year as head coach since we should have a fairly high pick this season, instead of picking near the end of the first round. And with that cap room, there’s plenty of room to make a big move somewhere. He just can’t screw this up. If the Patriots don’t turn things around next season, well, shit man I don’t know what to tell you. We’re screwed at that point, and Brady’s departure will certainly feel like the darkest point in Patriots history.
Aw man, my neighborhood is just above the N in “WIN.”
Skyline being called chili is itself a branding thing. It’s really a Greek meat sauce, but the guys who opened the restaurant didn’t think anyone would be able to pronounce, or line up for, something called “pastitsio,” so they just called it Greek chili and it stuck.
That makes a ton of sense and explains why the locals appreciate it for what it is and everyone else doesn’t quite get it
I love Cincinatti Chili, Skyline is just the McDonalds of it. If you want to try a really good one, this recipe is phenomenal: https://amazingribs.com/tested-recipes/hot-dog-recipes/cincinnati-cheese-coney-recipe
If the Jets beat the Pats, I’m gonna go buy a new Brady jersey…ESPECIALLY if Newton starts on Sunday. Give Stidham a chance, Newton is obviously not as effective anymore and has forgotten how to run with two hands on the ball
I don’t think Stidham is a much better alternative at this point. He’d be worse if anything. The Patriots WR corps is baaaaaaaaaad, and there are only 2 or 3 guys in the league right now that could get anything out of it.
Stidham is the safer option, but good Stidham won’t get them into the playoffs whereas good Cam might. When you’re a team that desperately needs a quality QB to paper over its holes, you’d rather stick with Cam and either make the playoffs or get an opportunity for a top-ten pick than go with Stidham and probably miss the playoffs while also missing out on a high draft pick.
I wouldn’t even call Stidham the safer option at this point. He’s a terrible quarterback with zero arm talent and his only saving grace is that he can throw a decent back-shoulder pass. The Patriots would likely be in contention for a top 5 pick if Stidham managed to hold onto the QB1 spot. Good Stidham might pull out 5 wins and that’s being extremely generous to him.
I agree with you on Cam. At his best, the Patriots can still sneak into a playoff spot, but that seems like a stretch at this point because the WR corps surrounding is downright terrible. Cam doesn’t have a chance out there.
If Stidham or Hoyer is starting, you will lose
Of course. With Stidham, you basically are going to be like the Jets, but slightly better. With Newton, you know what’s happening. With Hoyer, he is ineffective
I am stealing dorky Thor as my avatar somewhere. Also, there’s a lot of ball-kicking in these comics. Not that I mind.
ball trauma is a timeless comedy classic
Trauma to the Groin, boys, Trauma to the Groin!
Nothing’s quite as funny, as a Trauma to the Groin!
There is no wit more pretty, there is no joke divine,
Or limerick delicious as a Trauma to the Groin!
gotta love Heywood Banks
the fuck?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPjScfdUlP0
Joey the Tiger isn’t bad. I’ve always wondered about maybe calling him Burrow the Bengal. I mean, it doesn’t change how bad the team is, so whatever, right?
Small request: when the Ravens win, could you just have Lamar paint “The Baltimore” over Colts (rather than spray paint)? We’ve got some beautiful murals down here and they don’t get much appreciation outside of the city.
https://www.baltimurals.com/eastbaltimore
http://www.focusongeography.org/publications/articles/baltimore/index.html
I was the 3rd groomsman who got paired up with the 3rd bridesmaid at my brother’s wedding, and your analogy is spot on. The groomsmen also wore blue tuxedos with orange ties, because my brother and his wife are mega Broncos fans, which made my dad wear black and silver to counter protest because he’s a massive Raiders nuthugger, and believe me that was a fun dynamic growing up. Football is a mental disease.
Love the added bonus of drawing the Cuyahoga River on fire in the Raiders/Browns one.
Also, not gonna save room for the Bucs/Giants game?
Hey this time the fire was in Akron and it was caused by a tanker truck going off a bridge.
not sure which is funnier, Joey the Tiger or Dorky Thor…
hey, at least this week you can’t pick the Browns game wrong… anyone got some spare defense?!?
browns got bye
yes, that’s more or less what I said…
Cincinnati chili (or Cincinnati-style chili) is a Mediterranean-spiced meat sauce used as a topping for spaghetti or hot dogs (“coneys”); both dishes were developed by Macedonian immigrant restaurateurs in the 1920s. In 2013, Smithsonian named it one of “20 Most Iconic Foods in America”. Its name evokes comparison to chili con carne, but the two are dissimilar in consistency, flavors and serving methods, which for Cincinnati chili more resemble Greek pasta sauces and the spiced-meat hot dog topping sauces seen in other parts of the United States.
I guess it’s not supposed to resemble chili.
You can easily repurpose the Raiders Roomba path as a spent Nick Foles condom.
Elway in the background be like…
Would the falcon be pooping on BoJohn Elway or regular horseface John Elway?
LOL Imagine the election being too much to handle you can’t draw comics. That is weaker than the Cowboys defense.
so draw some comics for us then, big man.
Awwwwwww sheeeeeeet! First time I’ve agreed with a pats fan.
I know, it’s a new experience for me too!
i’m not “one of those” pats fans. i’m more into madness and chaos and good football no matter who plays it (except texas teams – fuck texas, and double fuck jerry jones) and even moreso terrible, abysmal football no matter who plays it (especially texas teams – fuck texas), and farts and poop and butt and dick jokes. pretty sure i was drunk when i picked my name. i love ties, and safeties are my favorite scoring play. except MAYBE the two-point defensive conversion. the one time it won a game (for the broncos, iirc) was pretty fuckin hilarious.
Ummm, the Falcon has to stay 6 feet away from Co-Jack Elway….
Well f*ck. The election being too much to handle? Not good.