CARTOON PICKS week 3 edition – Goddammit why did they tie
Welcome to the newest batch of cartoons! I did slightly worse in picks this week, which is good news for you!
What has week 3 taught us? I think it has taught us many things. The Jets and Giants are the worst teams in the entire league. The TEAM’s defense will not save them, but the NFCE as a whole is incredibly disappointing. The Bills are for real, so are the Rams, but things can fall apart fast for both of them. The Browns are fun when they are clicking, the Vikings are choke artists, but the Falcons are choke masters. The Panthers won’t be an easy win for anyone, and the Bears would be incredibly stupid if they don’t start Foles after all this. Tampa looks a little out of sync, but the team is so talented that it might not matter. The Seahawks might be the best team in the NFL. Just an overall really fun week of football with very few blowouts.
So without further adieu, who did I get wrong?
(Check back tomorrow if I get MNF wrong)
So what does week 4 look like? Any better? Any worse? Let’s find out! As always, feel free to add your own suggestions. I also reserve the right to possibly change some things as the week goes on or after the game, if something alters the joke, similar to how my original Bears bet didn’t really work out after they benched Mitch.
BRONCOS @ JETS
What a gross matchup for Thursday night. The Broncos are hobbled and bad, and now starting Bort for like, 3 dollars. The Jets barely qualify as a football team. The Broncos get that much needed win on the road to 7-9.
If the jets win, I will draw Sam Darnold riding John Elway (John Elway is a horse)
SAINTS @ LIONS
The Lions finally managed a pretty good win over a good team, but the Saints are also good, and might be even better. Brees looks like he’s lost a lot of his arm strength and the Saints have to travel, but the Lions just haven’t proven to me they are worth trusting in this situation. You beat the Saints, Lions, then we’ll talk.
If the Lions win, I will draw Matt Patricia planting a flag on Taysom Hill
CHARGERS @ BUCCANEERS
I hate that the Bucs look off but are still just so talented that they will probably pull this one out. The Chargers are kinda fun with Herbert under center, but they seem like they have a little work to do before they can be seen as a legitimate threat.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Tom Brady as an old man having his bread stolen by Duck Justin Herbert
JAGUARS @ BENGALS
I feel like the Bengals are sooooo close to just putting it together and stringing a few wins out. They haven’t been an easy win for the Chargers, Browns, or Eagles. The Jaguars early success seems like a large fluke now, but they still feel slightly more competent overall. I think the Jaguars need this one to get back on track to disappointing their fans down the road. Bengals fans have already appropriately given up and are now just enjoying the ride.
If the Bengals win, I will draw A tiger smoking a cigar kicking a mustachio’d jaguar in the nuts
VIKINGS @ TEXANS
It’s tough when you have a matchup of gutpunchers. A gutpuncher is a team that has tons of potential and could be a contender with just a bit of tweaking but they’d rather give you hope and then punch you in the gut. The Vikings might be the most historical gutpuncher in the league. The Texans are possibly one of the best current gutpunchers. This year the Vikings aren’t very inspiring though, and the Texans have started the season in a trial by fire and did…modestly. The Texans are probably the better team here.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Viking Kirk Cousins adding Butthole Chin to his trophies
SEAHAWKS @ DOLPHINS
The Dolphins are on the right track. Fitz is having fun. The team is looking good. Shame they are about to get curbstomped by Russ’s MVP consideration campaign.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Ryan Fitzpatrick holding tiny Russ as bait for a dolphin doing a trick
STEELERS @ TITANS
POSTPONED DUE TO HELLWORLD 2020
BROWNS @ COWBOYS
The Cowboys are one Falcons collapse from being 0-3 and I think they are much better than that. Is it just me, or do the Cowboys feel like a team absolutely full of talent that is held back by awful coaching every season? If the Cowboys had a competent coach, this team would wreck the league, and instead they are fighting to reach .500. The Browns are above .500 for the first time in ages! It won’t last long. Cowboys are better, but the Browns will give them a fight.
If the Browns win, I will draw Nick Chubb mocking Zeke with his own eating celebration
CARDINALS @ PANTHERS
Well I was extremely high on the Cardinals and now I don’t know. I expected them to obliterate the reeling Lions. The Panthers look like an extremely well-coached team to me. They are fighting and trying even down their best weapon. The Cards just proved they may not be quite ready to dominate quite yet. Is this a win for the Panthers momentum or do the Cards get back on track? I’m going cats.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray riding a cardinal like a Valkyrie
COLTS @ BEARS
If the Bears start Big Dick Nick, I think the Bears might actually keep this going. If Mitch goes back in, I’m changing this pick.
If the Colts win, I will draw Philip Rivers as a centaur kicking a bear
RAVENS @ TEAM
The Ravens are very good. The team has…issues.
If the TEAM wins, I will draw Riverboat Ron beating Edgar Allen Poe at poker
GIANTS @ RAMS
Oh my god it won’t even be close
If the Giants win I’ll draw Sean McVay committing Seppuku in shame
PATRIOTS @ CHIEFS
Cam just went down with Covid. If this game is played, the Pats don’t stand a chance.
If the game occurs and the Patriots win, I will draw Cam Newton dressing in Covid Chic fashion
BILLS @ RAIDERS
This aught to be a pretty good game! The Raiders aren’t that bad, and the Bills proved they are vulnerable. The Bills need to lose at some point, and the Raiders already upset the Saints, so I’m taking a chance. Don’t let me down, Vegas.
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen table crashing a craps table as Derek Carr is sad
EAGLES @ 49ERS PRACTICE SQUAD
The 49ers practice squad is on a two game streak, and the Eagles aren’t exactly much better than the Jets and Giants. I have no idea what has happened to the Eagles, they should not be this bad.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Carson Wentz frolicking in a graveyard of injured 49er starters
FALCONS @ PACKERS
At least this time the Falcons likely won’t ever be good enough to actually build an insurmountable lead only to have it surmounted. The Packers should likely just stomp them.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Dan Quinn saying “I don’t get it either!”
IF A GAME ENDS IN A TIE
I will draw both QBs stuck in a large pile of poop
EDIT:
Updated to reflect the Covid postponed games
I find it hilarious how salty Rams fans are over the Bills getting a Pass Interference call in their favor for three reasons:
1) It’s the Rams, the team that has repeatedly had pass Interference calls/non calls their way in recent memory and the Bills have been on the losing end of calls like that for the better part of twenty years.
2) It’s absolutely a penalty by the book, Illegal Contact if nothing else3) they had a ridiculous number of calls in their favor up until that moment: questionable OPI, missed block in the back call on a TD, the Bills getting a TD overturned twice, unsportsmanlike conduct on a QB complaining for not getting a penalty call (which I see Brady doing all the time), and an “interception” where the TE puts his hands on the ball brings it to his chest, the DB puts his hands on it, and they go to the ground together.
Rams have *zero* room to complain
3) The only reason the Rams were in the game was that interception.
Have the rams been that salty? Not from what I’ve seen… Kind of seems like you’re making up a boogie man
“If the Giants win I’ll draw Sean McVay committing Seppuku in shame”
seppuku requires a second, to stand ready with a naked blade, to decapitate the dying before they shame themselves further with any sign of pain. who should mcVay’s second be? ooh! kroenke!
Wouldn’t Joe Judge be an obvious choice there?
what if the failcons do YET ANOTHER improbable choke? probably requires its own comic.
Tank, to trade the pick, for Trevor!
At this point I’m curious to see how creative we can get with blowing games.
Which describes how the Falcons get relegated to The Rock’s XFL and still blow 4th quarter leads.
The Duck thing with Herbert is clever because of orgeon.
But what about Herbert Telling Brady that TB12 was poisonous to his organs (especially if they choke)
At this point the Falcons are the coyote and holding double digits leads are the
roadrunner.
If this were a comic, I may order prints and frame it lol
Ok, first, as a Saints fan, I hope they lose just to see the comic.
Second, Darnold riding Elway seems like a Rule 34 thing.
Third, I hope the Giants beat the Rams just because.
Fourth, I want to see the Patriots keep winning without Brady.
Fifth, the 49ers practice squad has a nice ring to it. Washington should be jealous with just being the TEAM.
Finally, the Falcons blowing leads will NEVER get old. So, I hope it happens.
I always want the seahawks to lose, but I want it especially bad this week. sadly I’m pretty sure Russel Wilson could roll out on the field with his high school squad (many having not played ball in 10+ years), and still beat the dolphins
It’s highly unlikely but any time Fitz takes the field it’s a roll of the dice. You can’t count the Dolphins out on any game. Course, the flip side of that is that you can’t count on them to win either lol
The Atlanta Chokers. Georgia must hate good backup QB’s. Tua in the National Title, Jalen in the SEC championship, and Nick Foles on Sunday. They can’t finish games, yet they can finish the season by barely scraping out 7 wins. Yeesh. Maybe it was because Juilo & Russell Gage was out? Bu they also lost with Juilo against the DALLAS COWBOYS. Just fire Dan Quinn already. Everyone in Atlanta is addicted to him. Sure he led them to a Super Bowl, but so has Jay Cutler. And Dave, watch Gridiron Heights. Its literally this comic but as a cartoon.
For the most part the fan base turned on Quinn after the 1-7 start last year. The 6-2 finish saved him in the eyes of Arthur Blank but very few others. I’m an optimist who really does love Dan Quinn as a coach but even I admit it’s time to make a change. Blowing leads or big games is not just a recent Falcon’s thing, it’s the entire state of Georgia in all sports. We are the underachievers of the sports world. Our curse is different than say Detroit or Cleveland because we have teams that should be good enough. I bet there is a certain calm to losing because you know you are bad compared to having teams that can compete and often do just to crumble when it matters.
I like your colts bears idea but given the geographical proximity and how Indiana has gone from bears territory 35 years ago to colts (duh) today, I think another fun idea would be the two state outlines in a boxing ring with Indiana delivering a knockout uppercut to Illinois where Chicago is located.
It’s actually still pretty evenly divided between Bears, Colts, and Steelers (except maybe around Indy itself). And the Colts fans are only Colts fans when the team is dominant. Other years they either suddenly “don’t have time to watch this year” or become Broncos fans because’s Peyton is there or something. [Source: lived in Indiana the last 15 years, and 20 of the last 25, shamefully]
This is so true, but you did miss one beat. If you look under enough rocks, you might find some severely embarrassed Bengals fans in the southern part of Indiana.
[Source: grew up in west central/southwest Indiana and my best friend is that Bengals fan.]
I grew up in southern Indiana and it is dominated by colts fans.
I lived in Bloomington and Indianapolis as well and other than your standard out of town college students, they are (obviously) heavily colts fans.
The only part of the state that’s still heavily bears fans is The Region, and bengals fans being more than a rare sighting at Schnucks only happens when you’re within a stones throw of Cincy. Even the towns near Louisville (New Albany etc.) are heavy majority colts fans.
The only part of the state that I can’t speak for as I didn’t spend much time there is the northeast part of the state. But no, as of Peyton Manning the state is heavily colts country, it’s changed massively.
My time was mostly in the area around Muncie and north of there (Fort Wayne, etc.) and that region is still heavily divided Bears/Colts/Steelers. Obviously northwest goes more Bears given proximity to Chicago. But what I stand by most is that the majority of Colts fans are fair-weather only, and lose total interest otherwise. I know plenty of exceptions, but as an aggregate fan base (outside of Indy itself), it was the least loyal / most casual fan base I’ve encountered
I’d agree with you ten years having been there in 2011 when all of the Peyton bandwagoners went away and only a handful of us followed that catastrophe of a season, but I was back and forth in Indiana a lot in 2017 and by then the fairweathers had almost entirely emptied. Especially down south, everybody was still watching weekly and interested to see how Brissett would deal with the shitshow he walked into.
The only team with a stronger following than the Colts south of Indy is IU basketball. In both cases you can argue that similar to the Cowboys, Packers or Steelers that a lot of the fans wouldn’t have been fans in the first place if not for their dominance many decades ago, but just the same I don’t think you can argue that they’re fairweather at this point either. IU has been frustratingly mediocre for 15+ years now outside of that brief Oladipo/Zeller window but people still follow it. Same with the colts ever since Peyton left. Sorry you met the bad apples and applied them to an entire fanbase.
I also just looked up those yearly County by county maps of NFL team fandom, and the bears have actually shrank in Indiana county share from 8 to 4 in the last 6 years. Cincy has actually grown by 1 though, good on them.
Considering that Chubb is notoriously quiet and wouldn’t taunt another player with their celebration, I don’t think that one quite lands. Maybe Dak holding a lasso looking very confused at the two-headed hydra bull of Chubb and Hunt running across the goal line, or Mike McCarthy getting dragged by his lasso behind either Chubb/Hunt or Baker or Myles?
Should be a good game regardless. Dallas looks sus, and Dak and Zeke have both been worse without consistent good play from the OL, which has definitely taken a step back. Dak under pressure especially tends to not play well, and the Browns DL has been pretty quietly one of the best DLs in the league with a trio of good to great outside corners to prevent quick passes outside – just don’t ask about the rest of the defense, and start the Cowboys’ TE in fantasy. If Baker plays as consistently and efficiently as he has the past two weeks, against a mediocre and a really solid defense, and if the two headed monster backfield gets a chance to gain momentum, the Browns have a good shot at this game.
I was gonna tell Dave that, even if he was mocking Zeke, Chubb still wouldn’t be smiling.
If the colts win, I suggest an exhausted and stressed out Khalil Mack trying to take care of all of Rivers’ children by himself, with Rivers lounging in the backyard.
I like this one even more than my idea.
I really hope that Fitz Dolphin is the dolphin in every Dolphins victory cartoon. And that he’s giving the camera two fingers (flippering a double bird?) in every one. Assuming there are any more I mean.
So, now that the Titans have been quarantined, does this count as a tie or a loss for all of us?
What if the Titans-Steelers have is cancelled because of covid-19?
He really should have a contingency for that, like he does for ties. Maybe both QBs in a bubble?
QBs separated, each in their own glass-domed dumpster.
This is a good idea and if the game doesn’t happen this is what I’ll draw
I suggest the Cone of Silence.
I would have preferred it if “(John Elway is a horse)” was left off
I feel like if the Titans win thanks to another Gostkowski field goal, It should be Gostkowski kicking rotund Big Ben through a field goal