Antonio Brown’s True Motives Take Shape
What a whirlwind few days this was. Just insane. I’ve never seen anything so stupid. Why couldn’t this have happened a month ago to make our July less dull?
The helmet stuff was dumb. The foot stuff was dumb. But it accelerated to 100mph and it was so fast that even my last comic, made in a panic after roughly 1 hour, was almost instantly outdated. It went from Antonio posting stupid stuff on instagram, to getting in a fight with Mike Mayock, calling him a cracker, trying to punch him, being held back by Vontaze Burfict, to giving a “heartfelt” apology the next day, to then posting a self-promoting youtube ad late that same night where he uses secretly recorded audio of a phone call with Jon Gruden, to being released the very next day. He then signed with the Patriots a few hours later. A little while after that, rumors started showing up that he did all of this nonsense to deliberately get cut so he could be a Patriot all along. I mean….fuck.
Legend. We’ll be telling our kids about this shit.
I feel bad for every Oakland fan who rushed out and bought a jersey. I laugh heartily at hard Knocks, which ended roughly 2 days earlier and now the season is positively amazing on re-watch. I even feel bad for the Steelers in some fashion. The fans were clearly enjoying the show, feeling lucky that it wasn’t them anymore. Then he ends up on the very team the Steelers were taking efforts to not let him go to. The team that is the bane of their existence. The dark empire itself. It feels like when Kevin Durant went to Golden State, only if Durant briefly stopped in Minnesota to cause drama first.
As someone who already assumes the Pats are going to win everything anyway the news didn’t bother me as much as I expected. Actually, to be perfectly honest, it makes the Patriots more interesting. The last time I actually enjoyed watching the Patriots on offense without falling asleep was the Moss years, maybe early Gronk years. Brown is a fun player to watch. My main gripe for these past few years is how they turned winning boring, so even though this makes them better it also adds a nice little punch of spice to the mix that might make them fun again. I’ll probably still be bored, but the possibility that Mr. Big Chest doesn’t completely turn into a Patriot robot and causes a stir is a welcome change compared to watching more Julian Edelman 8 yard gimme catches over and over again. I was bummed we couldn’t have him play last night against Pittsburgh. Might have made the game fun instead of just another efficient Patriots slaughter.
Best case scenario Brown tears them apart from the inside. Worst case they win another couple of Super Bowls, which they’ll probably do anyway.
What’s everyone’s favorite cracker? I grew up with Ritz so I’m partial to the little salty round boys, but I do have a weakness for Club, which are deliciously buttery. Rice crackers can eat shit. Honestly most rice-based snacks are crap.
See, if the drama surrounding the NFL for the last… freak, almost DECADE had been *THIS* kind of thing instead of the concussions and political drama, I’d probably still be invested in the game. Brown just made himself an absolute villain– the kind where even Patriots fans are, “Man, he’s a villain, but he’s OUR villain, and he was so smart in how he got here.” And I can think of no two teams who already hate the Patriots more than the Raiders (quick show of hands– how many Raiders fans are still not over the Tuck Rule?), and the Steelers… folks might say the Jets, Dolphins, or Bills, but those are all fake teams who only exist so that New York and Florida see more Patriots games. This is the kind of thing where, if he either pulls a game-winning play against either team, or if he gets just absolutely punishingly mauled on what *WOULD* have been a game winning play and turns into a game losing play, the story becomes just so perfect.
The NFL needs villains. Not the weird kind the Patriots are, where it’s obscure (and universally broken rules). That’s like… villains doing 35 in a 30 zone. Sure, technically they broke the law, but you also kind of feel like the cop’s a dick for ticketing them, or like the neighbor who insisted the cop watch them is an absolute tool, especially since you know the neighbor only ratted them out because they’re pissed their lawn isn’t as perfectly manicured. And the villains shouldn’t be the teams front offices and it *CERTAINLY* shouldn’t be the commissioner. And when I say villains, I don’t mean like that asshole bully who got kicked from Miami whose name I’ve deliberately forgotten, because screw that kind of dude.
I mean, cracker? REALLY?! That’s freaking hilarious. This is someone people on the appropriate teams will love hating, and someone who the unaffected can just sit back and watch while everything burns. It’s perfect.
You’re thinking of Richie Incognito, who is currently (and hilariously in this context) with the RAIDERS.
TUCs are good, but the ‘cheese’ in the TUC sandwiches is suspect. I’m quite partial to Kracka-Wheats too – it’s the salt crystals that does it. Thick layer of Philadelphia on it too, and MAN that’s some good eatin’.
Fuck this league.
couldnt have said it better myself
yeah, I’m homer Pats fan, so now, as dictated by our savoir Lord Belichick, will defend AB until Lord Belicheck has consumed his essence and discards the empty husk.
That said, the Raiders were so dumb here, and I think they deserve alot of the blame. When AB delivered his apology, if you had ANY intention of patching things up, the last thing you would want to do is fine him again. Especially since that removed the guarantee on his money. They pretty much gutted his contract right there.
As soon as I heard they did that and he said “release me” I was like “Duh, of course he was gonna bail if you do that.”
Also, the real tragedy here is that we will be burned out of Pats/AB comics before the whole AB/Brady slumber party comic could ever see the light of day
The tweet made special effort to note that AB is moving in with Brady AND Gisele. I for one think tom is a wonderful teammate for offering up his wife to AB to help him settle in more quickly.
The small conspiracy theorist wants to think that this was Antonio Brown’s plan all along to end up on the Patriots. Steelers refuse to trade him to a division rival or the Patriots, so he gets them to trade him to a team with a first year GM and a reputation for being dysfunctional, then just acts like a bad boy over and over and over again until he gets them to release him so he can go to the Pats. However there’s no way the rest of my brain wants to give Mr. Big Baby that much credit.
The thing that really gets me is that Josh Gordon’s FOURTH suspension for marijuana was only FOUR games. Does any other player in the league except for a player on the Patriots get that sweetheart of a deal?
Kansas City? (Hill and other abusers)
Jets? (Tampering, falsifying injury report, and Illegally filming)
Giants? (The Kicker)
Raiders? (Plenty, including Incognito)
Ravens? (Ray Lewis, Suggs)
Colts? (Manning, noise gate, falsifying injury report, 75% of their tested balls are deflated)
Seriously, that is just off of the top of my head.
This comic made me surprisingly ok with all of this. I like the Pats less, and AB less. But that’s good because the game needs teams you just want to see lose. I respect what the Patriots have done and absolutely have been broken to the point that I believe they’ll win every SB ever until they get bored. People don’t just magically change because they get their way though. So, I don’t expect AB to just tone it down. Maybe for a little while. But at some point, something will happen. It has too. We need it too.
Nothing is ever enough for AB. These prospects won’t change that.
Well, Tyreek Hill managed to get 0 games despite all he did, and the kicker from the Giants got 1 game for domestic abuse recently. And the league has been trending more and more towards NOT issuing long suspensions for much of anything, as they’ve realized it’s better to have their most exciting players on the field, not the sideline. So, yes, other players get a sweetheart deal.
If you think what Edelman does is “8 yard gimme catches”, I question if you’ve watched many Patriots games. He gets straight up slaughtered by defenses over and over again, but somehow pops back up. I have a friend who was in NFL media, so I got to watch a game from field level, and saw Edelman take a hit where I thought he might be dead. He got up like it was the type of “tackle” a 5 year old puts on their dad.
Two things the Raiders seem to have forgotten:
1. At least one person has come out with sourced evidence of tampering by the Patriots, but they haven’t filed a grievance; and
2. Why didn’t they just issue him an ultimatum? Play on Sunday or we put you on the R/Left Squad list. You’re barred from playing for the season, have no way to come back during the season, you get no pay, you don’t count toward the 53 man roster, and the Raiders hold your rights in reserve for the duration of your contract. Teams exploit the monetary leverage they have against players all the time. Why not do it here?
Pretty sure the Raiser cut him to avoid further drama. If they put him on the not with team list then he probably would have filed a grievence and/or sued the Raiders/NFL. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and go forward with out the dark cloud looming over your head.
1. What sourced evidence?
2. It’s not that simple. You can’t just threaten a player if they don’t show up; without following the rules on how to get a player on that list, the player would win a grievance.
They should have suspended him six games for conduct detrimental to give themselves time to figure it out.
Anonymous source, but Robert Littal reported that someone from the Patriots told him that they had gotten word to AB that if he were ever cut by the Raiders he had a job waiting for him. That’s about as clear cut as it gets.
If he leaves without permission, he’s eligible for the left squad list. If they tell him “show up Sunday or we’re putting you on the list,” they’ve fulfilled their obligation to him.
You give too much credit to AB. I highly doubt he thinks more than a few days ahead. Rosenhaus knew a ton of teams were interested from back when Steelers where trading AB.
At this point I wouldn’t mind seeing the Pats win again just to watch the world burn. Imagine the shit storm if Brown wins the SB MVP.
How about those Browns? 6-10 at best
And fuck Eli manning
The Browns implosion is just about the ONLY thing I expect to continue pumping blood into my rusty old heart this season.
Eli Manning? He didn’t play yesterday. They canceled the game; every time I stopped hitting myself in the head with a mallet to wipe the blood out of my eyes, Dak was just tossing the pigskin around with his receivers. You could tell it was just practice because there was nobody on the field to tackle them when they caught the ball. And they were showing good practice form by taking every catch and following through to the endzone. I’m stymied why they decided to televise that, though. I guess nothing better was available. *shrug*
The Browns suck in Week 1. Since 1999, they’re 1-19-1 in season openers. They never hit the ground running.
I’d have to check, but since 1999, they’re prooooooobably not far above 1-19-1 at any specific week of the season. 😉 They have a habit of hitting the ground… and then just kind of laying there for the following 16 weeks.
I’m a Pats fan and I don’t really care all that much that AB landed here, other than it’s hilarious. But Steelers suffering? A balm on my soul.
For shame comparing my Timberwolves to the Raiders. I mean, it’s ridiculous. The Raiders have actually been successful in the past.
i’m partial to carr’s cracked pepper water crackers.
https://youtu.be/yRFjU7CTjWo
a video explaining the plan
Favorite cracker? Pepperidge Farms harvest wheat. They used to make a roasted sesame cracker that was the best thing ever, but alas no more.
Nabisco discontinued both Harvest Crisps and Twigs, so there are no more favorite crackers… but strong honorable mentions go to Better Cheddars, Sociables, and about any brand’s cinnamon graham crackers.
Ya know, at the end of last year I hoped you would be doing more Raiders comics this year. I guess I got what I wanted.
Fucking hell, Life is misery
Ritz and Saltines are both pretty good. One thing that I always think about when I think about crackers though is how I’ve seen “Uneeda, the perfect soda cracker” written on the side of at least two or three different buildings yet I’ve never in my life seen or eaten a Uneeds soda cracker. WTF is up with that?
I’m still disappointed that they’re calling him the Mississippi Mustache when the holy Grail of nicknames was right there:. The Mississippi Fu Minshew
Objectively the best cracker is the Triscuit. It has 50% more scuit than regular biscuits.
Mayock should get an endorsement with Ritz now. I think it would be a good PR move….
The real questions that might evolve out of this, especially for potential playing time with the Patriots, is that the posting of the audio recording was quite possibly in violation of some laws.
The media person behind the video is saying that Gruden agreed.
Am I crazy or did AB punch the Giants logo into Mayock’s face?
Raiders are going to LV next year and are in the middle of a rebuild. Best move was to cut him now and not be on the hook for any money – that cash can go towards the rebuild. Gruden was right – ‘How about you knock off this ^(*% and just play football?”….Clearly AB didn’t want to do that, SO – see ya! It Sucks for the league that he went to the Pats – but they are in a different situation. Robert Kraft has Ca$H to burn and he can afford to gamble – upside is a SUPER-Dominant team, Downside is simply dominant.