Turn And Face No Change-The B-B-Bengals
Sky blue. Water Wet. Death. Taxes. Marvin Lewis Coaches the Bengals.
All these crazy happenings in the NFL right now. Trades! Trade rumors! Free agents! Draft drama! So much going on! Also? The Bengals. The Bengals. The biggest news out of southwestern Ohio these past few weeks is that AJ Green thinks trading OBJ is stupid. This team has been such a piece of dry toast for over a decade.
Marvin Lewis was hired as the Bengals coach in 2003. He is the second longest tenured coach in the NFL. The one ahead of him is the greatest head coach of all time. The one behind him, Mike McCarthy, has a Super Bowl ring. Marvin Lewis has never won a playoff game. I’ve graduated high school, college, and gotten married in the time frame Marvin Lewis has accomplished nothing. Marvin Lewis was chosen as the head coach of the Bengals over two other candidates: Tom Coughlin and Mike Mularkey. Tom Coughlin won two super bowls with a QB drafted the year after Marvin was hired. Mike Mularkey is a trash coach and yet still managed to win a playoff game this year before totally not getting fired. Marvin Lewis hasn’t changed the look on his face since 2004.
The Bengals greatest playoff achievement in the past 2 decades was getting the Bills into the playoffs instead.
There is no coach in the NFL that inspires less than Marvin Lewis. The fact that he flirted with leaving this year and then signed a 2-year extension shows his commitment to true mediocrity. I feel bad for Bengals fans. They can’t even have a fun trainwreck. They are just good enough to win enough games to not matter at all every single year. That one year when they looked really good was okay, then Andy Dalton hurt his thumb and the playoff incident happened and lol so much for that. This team is not going anywhere until they blow it up.
Jeff Fisher got and still gets tons of hate for his failures as a coach. Marvin Lewis is so fucking bad that I legit think most people just forget about him most of the time. He blends into the sideline. He might not even be alive. Has anyone checked his pulse? He’s so nothing that we can’t even make jokes about him like we can with McAdoo or Fisher. Marvin Lewis is the wallpaper in your childhood home. Total garbage, but you grew up with it and you don’t even notice it anymore.
If you are a Bengals fan, just take up a hobby for Sundays instead. It’ll give you more genuine satisfaction until this dude is gone.
Somebody sure hates Marvin…
Also, on the flip side, he could be viewed as the model of consistency. Throughout all these years he’s been pumping out 8-8 seasons and/or a first round playoff exit. It’s better than some of the train wreck coaches other teams have had. (Namely my Buccaneers who seem to enjoy firing a coach every couple seasons just to spice things up.)
I don’t get the Marvin hate. He’s the perfect Cincy coach. A better coach would leave because their roster isn’t that good. Marvin has the old school “play defense and run the ball” mindset. That’s usually just good enough to keep a team fairly mediocre. He has little personality or drama, and again, for Cincy, that seems perfect. Ask Cleveland if they’d rather have 15 years of mediocrity, or what they’ve been through.
You’re right that the roster isn’t that good now, but previously, Marvin managed to underachieve with some really talented teams. Just a couple years ago, the Bengals roster was pretty much man-for-man on par with any other team, excepting Andy Dalton, but as we’ve seen you should still be able to find more success than NONE when you’re talented across the board and have a not-a-trainwreck QB.
Hey Buffalo here, 15 years of miocrity is miserable and I wouldn’t even wish it on the Patriots.
That is one of the nicest things I’ve heard a Bills fan say about the Patriots.
Don’t forget about the coaches they could’ve had take over while Marvin gets to keep some front office role instead, didn’t do that and their cooridinators from some of the recent good stretches are doing good enough for themselves elsewhere as coaches!
Jay Gruden and Mike Zimmer currently.
Let us recite the magic resurrection chant in reverse now to ensure that the dead may rest during the next 10 years of Marvin Lewis’s employment:
Fuck the Eagles
Two squirels doing it
Sexy Rexy Sexy Rexy
Literally the only good thing to come out of the Marvin Lewis era was that the job finally made Zimmer say “enough is enough I want to be head coach”, and now the Vikings have Bud Grant 2.0
Marvin sucks
Think about it, MARVIN LEWIS HAS NO SUPERBOWL LOSSES(As far as I know)
As a Head Coach, you’re absolutely right! Belichick can’t say that. He should totally put that on a shirt.
“I MAY NOT HAVE WON A PLAYOFF GAME, BUT I’VE NEVER LOST A SUPER BOWL”
Except, you know, last year. And the two times against Eli. So if you ignore NFC East, Belichick is perfect in the SB
Look who’s back – and I’m not talking about Dennis. #FuckThat #GoDeep
The legend of SR returns! About time!
I really like the second line of that “spell”
One of Marvin Lewis’s former assistants is current ‘Skins head coach Jay Gruden. Jay Gruden also coached in the UFL (BTW, the APF will fail like the UFL) and…….
The Orlando Predators.
Return of the Arena Football TEXT WALLS (for one week only, next week onward will be links to YouTube like last year from AFL week 3 onward).
Saturday night is the first week for the 2018 NAL season (Where J’ville ended up), so we have some things to introduce.
The first game will be between the defending champion J’ville Sharks and one of three newcomers, the Carolina Cobras. Some of you may recognize “Carolina Cobras” as an Arena Football League (my favorite of the AFL) team, and you would be correct, as the original Carolina Cobras lasted from 2000-2004 in the AFL, even pulling off an ’08 Lions in 2003. The Cobras coach is Billy Back, who led the Witcha Falls (TX) Nighthawks to a 12-4 record on the IFL last year before the team folded. The Cobras qb is Charles McCullum, who was Back’s qb in Witcha Falls and was the IFL MVP both of last 2 seasons.
As for J’ville, their coach is former Arena Football WR/DB Siaha Burley, who took over midseason last year and won the league title. However, they no longer have the qb (Tommy Grady, not Tom Brady) who led them there as he just got signed by the Albany Empire of the AFL. Because of that, the Sharks are stuck with qb Patrick McCain, who was a middle of the road IFL qb with the Nebraska Danger in 2015 & 2016 and a backup at Jacksonville (FL) University in division 1-AA prior to that. But Jacksonville does still have the Arena Football League’s all-time leading rusher in FB Derrick Ross, so there’s that. The game will be played at the Greensboro Colosseum in Greensboro, North Carolina and can be watched live (with a live chat) at 7pm on YouTube via the National Arena League’s official YouTube channel on April, 7th at 7pm. I’m taking the Cobras by 10.
The other game this week will feature the other 2 new NAL teams, as the Massachusetts Pirates will host the Maine Mammoths. I’ll go over the road team first. The Maine Mammoths head coach is James Fuller, who was a scrub backup safety for the Chargers and Eagles in the mid 1990s and was the coach of the Bismarck Bucks in the CIF (tier 3 Arena League) and is also taking his QB with him: Jonathan the Bane of my Existence. Yes, Maine’s starting QB is the guy who “led” the Tampa Bay Storm to new lows during the 2016 season when the Storm failed to score 30 points in a league where the average was 50 per game. Maine is fucked.
As for the home team Massachusetts Pirates, they are coached by Ameer I email, a stunt man for the Dark Knight Rises (no, I’m not kidding) and a defensive coordinator for several IFL teams and AFL-China (yes, the Arena Football League has an NFL Europe in China). The Pirates QB is Sean Brackett, who “led” the Washington Valor to Chris Winkie Alert last year and suffered under Dean Cokinos. Now he’s free to throw to London Crawford (WR from J’ville) and literally no one else of skill. Fun.
The game will be played in Worchester, Massachusetts. You can watch this disaster of horrible Qb play on either NBC Sports-New England or YouTube on the National Arena League’s offical youtube channel at 7pm on Saturday, April 7th (same time as the Sharks-Cobras game; I recommend watching that one over Mammoths-Pirates). I’ll take the Pirates by 4.
The 2018 AFL season starts next week. The current IFL standings are:
1. 4-1 ‘Zona Rattlers (with their backup)
2. 4-1 Nebraska Danger
3. 3-1 Sioux Falls Storm (no relation to my beloved Tampa Bay Storm)
4. 3-2 Iowa Barnstormers
5. 1-5 Cedar Rapids Titans (no relation to Tennessee Titans)
6. 0-5 Green Bay Blizzard (which are about as useful as that melting ice cube power from Kirby 64)
I can’t help but think that there should be some March Madness-like thing between all the arena setups. They move around the leagues so bloody much, you can’t tell who’s on top from year to year.
Is that 7pm Eastern by the way, because it might clash with stuff on Geek & Sundry’s Twitch channel for me if it’s 7pm Pacific (3am BST).
Yes, the NAL games are both 7pm Eastern Standard Time Zone.
Nice chant. Fuck the Eagles, Two squirrels doing it, Sexy Rexy Sexy Rexy
TIL two squirrels doing it is part of an occultic chant.
And “Fuck the Eagles” is part of *everything*.
“This team has been such a piece of dry toast for over a decade.”
Oh Dave, you could not be more wrong. Dry toast is boring, and while Marvin is the epitome of boring, the team is not! They’ve been super talent and underachieved! They’ve been a really dirty team and earned a reputation that still sticks with them thanks to Vontaze Turdfict! They’ve been so actively bad that Carson Palmer had to fake retire to escape!
Their extraordinarily cheap owner has actively shit on the fans and the city for the past 30 years! Don’t let Marvin “Toast” Lewis fool you – the Bengals aren’t boring. They’re an aggressively shitty franchise, like if the Browns team was a whole organization!
Dave, first off – I appreciate the re-emergence of Dennis. I just saw him the other day, hard to believe he’s a zombie.
Secondly, you couldn’t be more right – I am as diehard as they come, but I cannot STAND the fact that Marvin still has a job.
I don’t think it’s his fault that the team is a boring piece of bread. He does what he can with what he is given by the ownership. Sucks that he can’t even build a team that he’s happy enough to get excited for. He is on the same page for me as Dusty Baker was for the Reds – he is a manager/HC that the team loves, consistently falls flat year after year, and is as uninspiring as they come. Someone fucks up? Clap your hands, get them next time. They are incapable of lighting a fire under someones ass or help them get in line if they screw up on (or off) the field.
I’ve always felt bad for Marvin Lewis, because I don’t get the impression that he’s the sort of guy to run a team that has the third highest arrest rate in the NFL. The impression that I got was that he’s a pleasant, boring, soft-spoken guy who is additionally hamstrung by ownership that won’t let him reel in the Ocho Cincos, Pac-Mans and the Burficts. It’s also hard for me to hate him because I’m a Steelers fan and the ongoing mediocrity of Cincinnati is good for my team.
The Cincinnati Bengals are the perfect model of the inmates running the asylum. Marvin Lewis has no control over his team, and I don’t think he or management even care.
In Marvin’s defense, they’re actually #4 in terms of number of arrests since he was named head coach, not #3.
Also, the last 5 years they’re #22, and 3rd in their division behind BAL (#3 overall) and CLE (#5 overall). They can’t even win their division in crime 😀
“There is no coach in the NFL that inspires less than Marvin Lewis.”
Hold my beer… – Hue Jackson
*Coach Jackson tells someone to hold his beer
** As the beer gets passed to them the person is so uninspired by Hue Jackson that they stand frozen in a deppressive thought pattern wondering how their life went so wrong that they are now being ordered around by Hue 0-16 Jackson
*** The beer falls to the floor.
The absolute absurdity of this comic gives me hope for the future.
where does “sexy rexy” originate from? In the game “7 days to die” there is a perk called “sexual Tyrannosaurus”, I assume there’s a common origin?
Sexy Rexy is a nickname Dave gave to the original and more successful RG3, Rex Grossman III.
Sexy Rexy’s origin was Drew Magary of early KSK. Here’s the legendary start:
https://kissingsuzykolber.wordpress.com/2006/11/27/f-k-it-im-throwing-it-downfield/
Responding to he comment board with your real name and not drawplaydave? Did you have to approve yourself?
For some stupid reason WordPress doesn’t show my avatar unless I’m logged out first, so when I make a comment I log out so it’s easier to tell it’s me. Forgot to do so this time.
“Sexual Tyrannosaurus” is from the movie Predator, which Jesse Ventura’s character claims that chew made him a “goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus”
That’s been my Fantasy Football name for 8 years. In our work league it’s mandatory to make a work pun. We sell a software called N S X, so my team name is N S Xual Tyrannosaurus
Sucks to be the Bengals, at least they’re not the Browns.
WHAT?!! We’re totally owning the preseason draft coverage… umm… again….
I feel personally attacked.
Two squirrels doing it would be a better coach for the Bengals.
I gave up on the Bengals the last time they granted Lewis an extension. But your average Bengals fan blames Dalton, and thinks ‘if only Cincy ever got a good QB’.
Carson Palmer couldn’t do shit in Cincy. He got to an NFC championship with Bruce Arians.
To be fair, Dalton was part of the problem as well. Come playoffs the fans would prefer Timothy Dalton playing as the QB instead.
As a ravens fan I think Marvin Lewis is the best coach Cincy could hope to have, don’t bother dreaming of having better things just stay the way you are Cincy.
Who the heck is Dennis?
Who the hell is Fred
How soon we forget that the Bengals were were laughingstocks of the league before Marvin Lewis became head coach. Seriously, in the late 90s you would have laid money on Cleveland getting their act together well before Cincinnati. I’m not saying he’s so underrated he’s actually good; just that Bengals fans will eventually remember him fondly for guiding them out of the wilderness.
Dave i dont if youll see this but it finally happened the bengals got their heads out of their ass and fired Marvin