Patriots Are Dangerous To Birds
FUN FACTS! The Patriots have won 5 Super Bowls, and all of them have come against animal teams. Namely, birds. The Patriots hate birds. Are you a bird team? Don’t play the Patriots in the Super Bowl or get in the way of a Super Bowl run. The Patriots beat the Ravens in the playoffs twice, once en route to a SB loss and once en route to a win. In fact, I think the only reason the Ravens have two super bowl trophies is because they can’t actually play the Patriots in the Super Bowl. The only bird team to not lose to the Patriots in the Super Bowl is the Cardinals. The least imposing bird. Nobody fears a Cardinal. They look at them and go “ooooh, look how pretty that bird is”. At least with male cardinals. Female cardinals are ugly brown birds. Women, amirite guys? Casual sexism is great.
There really isn’t much to this comic I just thought it was kind of a fun trivia fact that the Patriots have beaten all the birds. In fact, the last 3 wins came against birds. Eagles, then Seahawks, then Falcons. Naturally if the Cardinals face the Pats in a future SB you know who to bet on. Birds cannot best Brady. Brady is the bird killer. Brady is like a windmill. He turns and turns and turns and occasionally some dumbass bird hits his arm and dies. Birds are stupid and wind power is great, birds should learn how to not fly into windmills, IMO.
At least birds fare better than cat teams in the Super Bowl. Cat teams suck at winning championships. Don’t be a cat team. In fact, don’t be an animal team in general. Most Super Bowls have been won by non animal teams. Here’s a breakdown.
Bird teams – 3 SBs (Ravens 2x, Seahawks)
Cat teams – 0 SBs
other animals – 9 SBs (Bears, Rams, Dolphins 2x, Colts 2x, Broncos 3x)
Total Animals – 13 SBs
Pirates – 4 SBs (Bucs, Raiders 3x)
Outdated Professions – 20 SBs (Cowboys 5x, Steelers 6x, 49ers 5x, Packers 4x)
Trump Supporters – 5 SBs (Patriots 5x)
Large men – 4 SBs (Giants 4x)
Racism – 4 SBs (Chiefs, Redskins 3x)
War machines – 1 SB (Jets)
Religion – 1 SB (Saints)
Total Non-Animal SBs – 34 SBs
Teams that havent won yet!
Animal teams – 9 (Bills, Cards, Panthers, Texans, Eagles, Falcons, Lions, Jags, Bengals)
Non Animal teams – 4 (Vikings, Browns, Titans, Chargers)
And the Chargers could technically be considered a horse team, they used to have a horse logo.
Don’t root for animal teams. It’s a bad idea. Especially if you play the Patriots and aren’t a team called the ’85 Bears. Say no to animal teams. It’s better for your health. You don’t want Tom Brady to be the Goat, because Goats are animals and Goats don’t win. Besides that’s Trent Dilfer, he managed to carry a bird team to victory. Praise be Trent Dilfer.
RIP da Birds
Hwo would Brady fare against the squirrels fucking?
Wait, what animal are the Texans named after?!?!
Their logo is a bull and in the fan poll Toros came in first and Bulls came in second. I forget if Texans was even in the top 3.
Total Non-Animal Super Bowls should be 38. Thought I’d mention it to strengthen the case further.
Actually, it should be 39 = 4 + 20 + 5 + 4 + 4 + 1 + 1
The animals should only be 12 = 3 + 9
Which strengthens the case even further.
Guess I should’ve waited until today to ask that question.
Whatever, I’ll ask again, which is worse, Brady getting a 6th ring next year or the Cowboys getting a 6th ring next year?
If you really go into it the Browns are an animal team they have the “GPODAWUND” and Chomps as the mascot
Other than not using an animal in their primary logo, the Browns match the animal team-labeled Texans exactly in this regard.
Wouldn’t the Texans be more animal though? They have a bull in the logo, but the name is non animal.
The Browns have no animal in name or logo, it’s just the mascot that’s a Doggo…
But they are the Browns that could be referring to what happens after the “GPODAWUND” and Chomps watches them play. I know that’s an old joke but I couldn’t resist
The Browns are not an animal team because Paul Brown was a machine.
Shouldn’t the Browns actually go in the Racism category?
Chargers are still a horse team.
A Charger is a War Horse. Used by infantry and Battle lieutenants and Generals.
Except that their logo is a lightning bolt so they might be chargers in the sense of an electrical charge…
And their original owner was the guy that started the Diner’s Club credit card. They’re half animal team, half massive ego name team, kind of like when the Hornets were the Bobcats.
I guess I never thought the Chiefs was racist. The leader of a tribe is called a chief, nothing racist about that. Their symbol is an arrowhead, nothing racist there.
Is calling someone Chief racist? Maybe if you’re calling someone that because they’re Native American? I could see that.
Is calling a person a Redskin racist? Definitely.
I don’t think Dave thinks the chiefs name is racist, he just lumped them into the category to make it work better.
On that note Meat packers aren’t really a dated profession, they still exist.
Eeeeh it’s debatable… They have their past.
http://www.sportslogos.net/logos/view/ek8fh77bg4ik3b31ekmxv8jwb/Kansas_City_Chiefs/1970/Primary_Logo
A love fun facts. And the Trent Dilfer lines at the end made it even better.
Didn’t Trent Dilfer defend the pats and claimed Brady as the Goat during the Deflategste fiasco?
Bird teams had never won a Super Bowl until Trent Dilfer took one by the reins and showed it was possible. He could probably come out of retirement right now and lead the first cat team to a SB title.
GOAT.
Calling it right now
Marrone goes 0-4, gets canned and replaced by Coughlin the Red-nosed Reindeer, and Dilfer (or butt-fumble) leads Jags to SB52 win over AP-led Giants
Fun fact: the Ravens were the last bird team formed in the NFL and the first bird team to win the superbowl.
Not even the GOAT could save the Browns
I wouldn’t call a jet a “war machine”, more like “uncomfortable mode of transportation”
I feel like “horses” should have their own category, they won 5 after all.
I wouldn’t count the Bills as an animal team, they are named after a person.
But logo is a beeffalow!
Should be a frame at the end with Muffins devouring them.
Where is the panel with a giant eli ripping the turbine out of the ground and using it as a toothpick
Bills are people. Buffalo Bill.
But technically people are part of animal Kingdom. So………
Buffalo Bill was a serial killer.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…..”
What you should be focusing on is jersey color, not mascot.
The team in white has won 12 of the last 13 Super Bowls. There’s only a 1 in 630 chance of this happening by chance.
Someone is controlling the Super Bowl!!! I blame Putin.
my favorite part of these pats comics is muffins
please don’t die muffins
also totally thought you were going to make some riff off don quixote and tilting at windmills, would’ve been more sophisticated humor but let’s face it don quixote < animals smashing into things
So if you want to move a franchise, go for outdated professions. Cobblers? Horseshoers? Alchemists?
Too bad the windmill broke.
the eagles won hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha