He Returns
3 Halloweens now have had something Joe Buck related, I guess that’s going to be my Halloween gag.
I kind of hate Joe Buck. I don’t hate him as much as I hate Cris Collinsworth, but that’s mostly because Joe Buck is a little easier to tune out due to his monotone. Collinsworth has unbearable amounts of smug. Buck’s biggest problem is his obvious biases towards various teams, and his ability to call an exciting play as if it’s a wet puddle. Everyone knows his terrible call of the Helmet Catch. “Eli back to pass, under pressure, stays on his feet, throws downfield to Tyree who makes the catch”. One of the biggest plays in football history, in the biggest game of the year which is all about spectacle, and he made it sound like a 3 yard run in a preseason game.
To be honest, though, that’s not my Joe Buck totally blows moment. For me, the worst Joe Buck game I’ve ever heard was the Giants/Saints game from two years back, the game when David Wilson went nuts and scored 3 Touchdowns in what turned out to be his career highlight game. Why? Because in that game Joe Buck tried to inject a little excitement into his playcalls, and he was so bad. This is the only video I can find of it, but it’s the second highlight, the Kick Return touchdown. Joe Buck’s call of that play has stuck with me since he first made it. He has several moments of total silence during the runback, and the “Thank you very much!” at the end is just SO. BAD. It’s “Boom goes the Dynamite” levels of bad, but Joe Buck is an experienced professional sportscaster, and Boom goes the Dynamite guy was a young kid who wasn’t ready for primetime yet and was clearly uncomfortable and trying to make something work. There is no excuse for a call that bad. It still astounds me, because it made me think that Buck might actually be better when he doesn’t try and be exciting. Buck is better when he sucks the life out of plays, because trying to inject life into plays turns him into a robot trying to find out what it means to love. And failing.
The sad paradox of Joe Buck is that his disinterest and lack of enthusiasm is why he’s so well-employed. Unless you’re a hall of famer like Ditka homering for Da Bears or Bradshaw homering for Dih Stilluhs, or you’re a Skip Bayless talking head whose purpose is not to inform but rather to entertain and say stupid things, nobody in the industry likes someone with a bias. If CBS is blatantly favoring the Patriots in Broncos-Pats tomorrow, how pissed do you think the fans in Denver will be? Or the team? Or the league?
The NFL cares about nothing more than its reputation, and biases in analysts makes it look less like a discussion with integrity and more what it really is – a bunch of guys giving their personal opinions on something with no supreme knowledge base of sorts. This goes triple for announcers, because they’re inexorably linked to the games they call by the whole “This broadcast is blah blah private use blah blah any redistribution or alteration blah blah prohibited” stuff. If an NFL game is called by Joe Buck, the only video you will ever find that has commentary will be Joe Buck’s unless someone syncs up the radio broadcast. And if Joe Buck calls Niners-Seahawks and is clearly cheering for the Seahawks, then the network will never live it down, both in the perception of everyone in the country outside of San Fran, and more importantly, in the perception of the NFL that wants to maintain at least the image of caring equally about all 32 teams and needs networks to be compliant in that.
Boring monotone announcers without bias are what the NFL wants, what the NFL tells the networks to get, and what the networks do because the NFL makes them enough money to order them around. Joe Buck’s monotone boredom with the game is exactly why he will never be out of work. It’s not just him either, there’s a reason almost every NFL films production cuts out any audio from the broadcast and swaps in the radio announcer from whatever team they’re highlighting.
My god…I always knew Joe Buck sucked…but listening to those David Wilson replays…it’s like Bill Nye giving play-by-play for a porno. I think my right nut sucked up inside my body in fear of what was to come.
I always thought that Joe Buck was a robot just disguised as a human just so he could try and infect everyone with his monotone-ness.
You think you got it bad? Try living in the UK. Not only did we have to fight soccer and rugby for attention, we had this too.
When football started on Channel 4 back in 1982, we had to put up with the wooden Nicky Horne – seriously, you could see the strings working him – and the condescending Vicious Boys, before we finally got some half-decent coverage in the form of former Falcons kicker Mick Luckhurst, then the golden era of Gary Imlach, Bob Golic and BLITZ! No disrespect to the incumbent trio of Nat Coombs, Mike Carlson and Vernon Kay, but that’s still the best NFL combo the UK’s ever had.
What’s worse, Channel 5 started their MLB coverage off with a former childrens’ TV presenter called Tommy Boyd, who actively HATED the sport and patronised the living hell out of the viewers. Good job he got the boot and we landed Jonny Gould, Josh Chetwynd, David Lengel and Erik Janssen shortly afterwards; those guys did more to advance the cause baseball in Britain than anyone else for a decade, before Channel 5 pulled the plug on their most-watched programme in favour of an online casino screening on-TV roulette. for FIVE HOURS EVERY SINGLE FREAKING NIGHT. That’s been going since 2008.
Joe Buck? Hell, you have a mute switch. Find some online radio. It’s what I do on England games, otherwise I’d have to to endure the stupidity of Clive Tyldesley, Andy Townsend and Adrian Chiles.
As an american, I apologize for stealing Ian Darke from you guys…
Screw Adrian Chiles. Man’s an absolute asshat.
As I’m sure you know, Vikings fans (most of whom are probably Twins fans as well) have a special hatred for Joe Buck. Not only because of Joe and Randy Moss
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dmqGg6Ccvw
But also because of the contrast to his dad. His dad made a classic call in Game 6 of what many consider to be the greatest World Series of all time and then his son (who again, we already hated because of the Moss deal) had to steal the line from *our* world series. Tribute, shmibute. Come up with your own stuff, son.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuAnVlRWf7o
I still prefer the Kenny Moose and Goose combo whenever possible on FOX, but I don’t find it hard to listen to a Buck cast because you can tune him out. Aikman can get far worse if the Cowboys are playing in that particular game, but I can’t fault a former player for being a homer as long as he’s being honest about it.
One of my favorites, actually, is Jon Gruden at color commentator. He actually breaks down the plays live and can effectively show people that aren’t top football minds themselves what teams are actually trying to do. He’s no John Madden, but he’s the only commentator that at least tries to analyze the games these days.
As for who I hate the most, it’s Collinsworth by a mile. He starts sounding like he’s going to break down a play, but he ends up just talking because he likes the sound of his voice. The only reason I can watch SNF now is because I can do a Collinsworth impression.
A couple things:
1. Joe Buck needs to be replaced by a Siberian Husky.
2. Are those arms or dicks in the Sexy Rexy poster?
Dick shaped cannons most likely
I’d buy a Draw Play Sexy Rexy poster.
I know it’s nearly impossible to believe, but I am not actually a real man. But I started using Old Spice deodorant and body wash together so I can finally real like a smell man, and have hot water lady-woman motorcyclesesses-error repeated 369 errorerror meatballs helicopter business transaction hotdog cool dude.
Briefcase tacos.
Is it sad that I just read that in Buck’s voice?
That final frame gives me nightmares
Joe “I play favorites” Bucks
Joe Buck is the worst man in the world ! How slippery tongue cold competing with such a sad and embarrassing voice ahhhhhh Just give me some chips and salsa and we can forget IT