Incognito gets bullied
Anyone else find it really funny that Incognito deleted his twitter (at least temporarily) after he started receiving tons of social media abuse as the Dolphins report came out? He got out of the situation causing him grief. The same way Jon Martin did to the Dolphins team.
I’ve had some experiences with bullying, so besides the initial reaction comic back when the story first broke I’ve largely stayed away from the story. In the past week though a lot of details emerged and I feel like I would like to share some of those experiences, and how I view the whole thing. Strap on your feelings belts, kiddies.
I was essentially bullied out of Boy Scouts.
I joined Cub Scouts as a Webelo, which if you don’t know, is actually the highest “rank” you can be in Cub Scouts. I wasn’t a scout when I was younger, for whatever reason, but the troop allowed me to join in with people my age at the appropriate level. I would like to think this was the reason I never fit in, because I hadn’t been with the group since the start. However, I wasn’t the only scout to join that way, and the other one was accepted instantly. To this day I’m not really sure what caused the other kids to shut me out. I never had issues like this at school, just in scouts. I was part of a group of 3 or 4 scouts who were the “outsiders”.
I wasn’t physically picked on; it was more a case of verbal abuse with being shunned: Bad nicknames, insults, never getting to take part in the cooler group stuff because we’d be shuffled to the back and ignored. It sucked, but I had some other kids who would talk to me and things were alright. But I wanted to belong just like anyone would, and it seemed really hard to break through to the accepted circle. It was basically 1 clique. You were either in, or you were a loser. It made group meetings harder some days, and it really sucked on camping trips and such, because there were fewer instances of adults able to mediate things and during camping trips me and the other losers were forced to do the crappy stuff. I’d have to go gather the firewood while they all roasted marshmallows or took easier jobs. And if I put up a fight about it? They’d complain to the scout leader that I wasn’t being part of the team, and I’d get the dirty looks. I’d get reprimanded.
These are things you can deal with on an instance by instance basis. It’s the relentlessness of it that wears on you, and people who tell folks to “toughen up” or that they are just being weak don’t seem to realize that the people who are getting picked on are tough. They are handling it. They sit there and take 3 times the abuse of the “tough” people who are dishing it out. They sit there day in and day out facing far worse treatment then the guys who get celebrated instantly. If you are at all different in the slightest you get worse treatment. You have to be tough to cope with it, but no one ever seems to notice that. Instead these people, dealing with this constantly, get perceived as weak, and never get a fair look. It’s a horrible cycle. It’s a slow realization that everything seems to work against you. Once you get stuck in the cycle it’s hard to get out. The longer you are in it, the worse it gets. You try to act like your bullies, be one of them. I tried to fit in, act like the “cool” scouts. It didn’t work; I still got called out and shunned. ( I think the text reports are a good example of Martin attempting to fit in, to act like Incognito. He talked and acted just like him while he was secretly breaking) I tried fighting back. Suddenly they got even nastier to beat me back into my place. I tried appealing to authority, that just made it worse. I was told to “deal with it” or “Stop worrying about it”. If they actually listened to me they’d call on the bullies, and my bullies would pull that same old card that every bully ever pulls: “We were just horsing around”. It always seems to work. Look at Incognito, it was his whole defense. “I was best friends with Martin!” It worked for Incognito too: tons of people swayed over to his side when they released the text messages. I’m sad to say even I was in that group initially. I didn’t swing back to Martin’s side and think about it until Richie’s unprofessional and galling twitter rant last week, when he exposed Jon Martin’s struggle with suicidal thoughts to the world in a cheap attempt to gain more sympathy. At that point I realized that even if Martin had made everything up (Which at that point we didn’t know) Richie is still a bully, and still a huge dick. I caught a lot of flack for suggesting as much on my own twitter account. Even if you are less of a dick than the other guy, you are still a dick. Then the report came out two days later and those people defending Richie’s actions haven’t said a thing since. Funny how that works.
Anyway, as a bullying situation goes on and it’s clear the only way out is to completely abandon who you are and become one of them (which it might be too late for anyway), or get out entirely. Both Martin and I chose the latter. After a year of Boy Scouts, I quit. The other losers had given up before, and only I was left, to receive all the abuse from people I was supposed to work together with. So much of scouts is learning to work together. I was always willing to do it, but no one was willing to do so with me. You can’t move up in ranks without some teamwork badges, so I fell behind. The treatment and ostracizing I got intensified to the point where I actively hated scouts. I was telling my parents I had too much homework so I couldn’t go to scouts. Yes, I was faking homework so I wouldn’t have to go. Eventually I just had enough. There was no joy in it. I quit.
I didn’t come out of scouts a better person. I came out worse. I came out bitter towards certain groups of people, a bitterness it took me years to grow out of. I have a huge dislike for the Boy Scouts of America and I think what they teach is a joke. I occasionally wonder what sort of things I missed out on because a bunch of assholes wouldn’t accept me no matter what I did. If I would feel differently. I’m sure many do, and had good scouting experiences. But I didn’t, and it’s colored my perception ever since. I moved on and until this story broke I hadn’t even thought about my scouting experience in years.
I feel really bad for Martin, and I hate the people getting on him for being weak. This is a player who took tons of abuse from a huge asshole, from an organization that clearly didn’t care, from a sport that glorifies the assholes, and he stood up to them and took his story public. I wonder how many players have experienced similar situations and just quietly left. Martin didn’t. Martin took a stand. His chances of ever playing again are minimal. Richie actually has a better chance with how things are right now. Martin is tough. I’m sure he knew he’d get a lot of crap for leaving and talking the way he did. I’m sure he’s very unhappy about giving up his chances to play a game he loved. But I wonder if he even wants to play anymore.
I hope the Dolphins locker room situation is not normal, but I fear it’s closer to normal then I want to believe. This story, along with the Michael Sam thing, has really shown how immature locker room culture is. It’s disgusting that the organization and coaches allowed this behavior at such high levels. Richie may indeed have viewed Martin as a friend, but the report shows a deliberate crossing of lines, lines that go far beyond normal friend teasing or jokes. This shouldn’t be the norm. It shouldn’t be necessary in a team sport to be a complete immature dick just to be accepted. That’s not “tough”. You can set out to badger and beat down someone, and if you are relentless and constant about it, they will break. You can break anyone like that. You can be immature and jokey all you want, but you have to respect certain limits. Incognito and friends did not.
Anyone who thinks Martin is weak, or needs to toughen up, I think those people need to grow up.
This strikes a chord with me too. I got viciously bullied in school, to the point where it all only ended because the police were involved as I got beat up on my way home by someone in my class. I got called names, deliberately ignored, physically assaulted and sexually harassed and groped by people in my class too-all because of my Asperger’s Syndrome-and the teachers never seemed to care. So I quit high school. Best decision I ever made. I’m in college and the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m still pretty bitter at the school for not doing singing about it, period, but overall, I’m much happier.
And for what it’s worth, I’ve always been on camp Martin.
My youngest brother has Asperger’s and went through a similar situation in school. To this day, I still hold a grudge against that school system and even refused to let my kids go to school there. Kudos for taking the necessary steps to better yourself in that situation.
Anything-damn autocorrect.
Let me preface this with a statement. Bulling is never OK. It freaking sucks. I was mercilessly picked on and verbally abused on a daily basis at home, in extra curricular activities, and at school from Kindergarten through Middle School. This included my 13 years in the Cub and Boy Scouts. I was in a group that did the same things you talk about in the early years. Kids are mean, it’s a fact of life and some of us by our own personalities and approaches open ourselves up to more ridicule than most. But things change, people change, and most importantly you can change your situation. It’s imperative that you take experiences and learn from them, grow, and apply the lessons learned, not be bitter and spew uninformed vitriol. Because you met one less than stellar group of people in an organization that spans the globe you condemn the goals of a group that seeks to teach leadership, self awareness, professional skills, and many other useful things in life? That seems to be the very thing you rail against. They are not like me so they suck and deserve to be attacked.
That being said, be bullied to the breaking point is one of the worst experiences in life. You have to do what you can to seek help and prevent the continuation of the abuse. I applaud Martin for seeking to put a stop to his bully. However, responding to Incognito with more bullying puts everyone further back from where they started. Just because he did something wrong it does not give us the right to commit the same offence against him in the name of justice. Rebuke him, yes. Bullying him in return? Then how are we any better?
It’s almost as if bullying can instill that kind of bitterness in people, and cause them to act in kind towards others
And you must have missed the part where I said I moved on and grew out of it, and acknowledged that I didn’t have the best scouting experience because of a small group of jerks
I’m not sure if your first statement is partly sarcastic or not, but it is absolutely the case that victims of abuse are more likely to abuse themselves. There’s more here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse
Actually this is the better link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_violence
It wasn’t, not really. If I met those guys who mistreated me now, I would be far more likely to be rude to them/whatever simply because of what happened to me. And it is satisfying to actually be in control once you have it. People just have to learn how to realize what is happening and mature past that, or acknowledge that they have built up biases and try their best to move on and be a better person. But it can be difficult. Like I said in the post, I didn’t become a better person, life got harder. And as far as bullying goes, I probably had a light case of it compared to a lot of people.
It sucks.
I agree, it completely can. Been there, still am in a lot of ways. And I did read where you moved on, but I also read where you refer to what Scouting teaches as a joke, a rather broad stroke that I will admit got my blood up a little bit.
Almost four years gone by now, but I’m new and catching up, and I can’t let this one pass. I’ll spare the story, but I’m well familiar with being bullied.
And the thing i see here is a Scout defending Scouting, by telling the author that he shouldn’t take his own experience as representative of Scouting as a whole. So, his entire Scouting experience was bad and got worse, until he finally had to quit it for his own mental health. That’s what he knows about Scouting. He also knows what Scouting says about Scouting, and learned the hard way that Scouting didn’t teach him those things.
So the Scout tells the author that the Scouts who represented Scouting to the author didn’t actually represent Scouting. I suppose the official Scouting members who drove the author out of Scouting were not “real” official Scouting members, or something.
But nevertheless, the Scout is here to tell the author that he’s not being fair to Scouting, even though Scouting allowed and inflicted bullying upon him. Instead, Scouting must be respected, because it keeps stating the same lofty goals now as it did back then. The Scout doesn’t seem to care what his beloved organization did to the author, he cares about making the author properly respect Scouting.
Putting myself into the author’s shoes, something seems strangely familiar here.
Yep, I’ve seen and been treated like this as well, to the point of considering suicide, but I never went that far. Society just kinda sucks all around. But at least there’s still the football games to look forward to
As much as I love football, the league is full of polarizing characters that I can’t stand at times. It’s easy to overlook all the players shortcomings when they are on the field. But some things just stick with you. Take Richard Sherman. I, for one, love his level of intensity and the way he plays on the field. Didn’t care for the rant. But it’s a give and take thing. The whole situation with the Dolphins is unfortunate. The bullying issue in general is likely a lot more widespread than most people know. Kind of like the Saints bountygate fiasco (I’m a Saints fan by the way). Are there other teams guilty of the same scenario? I’m sure of it. But just like with the Saints, I’m glad the issue came into the publics view. Hopefully, positive steps will taken to ensure that moving forward, situations like this will be better handled by both the franchises and the individuals involved.
Wow. So much feels.
I completely agree with everything in this article. EXCEPT for the remark about BSA being a joke. I was a Boy Scout and came out a better person.
But I certainly feel bad for you. I’ve never seen any of that, neither in Cub Scouts nor Boy Scouts.
I work with the Scouts-in my country they allow females in volunteer scouting-and I do see this type of behavior and worse. I do my utmost to stop it, but it arrives on.
Carries. Damn autocorrect
Yeah, it happens. This kid when I first joined Boy Scouts was a huge jerk, a complete bully who did that to feel better ’bout himself. But he eventually moved out of town, and I’ve had better opportunities than the writer. I’ll make sure none of that ever happens while I’m involved in scouts.
I was bullied in grade school to the point that I transferred somewhere else twice by fourth grade. Being a fat, unathletic bookworm that trusts everyone makes you a really easy target(Fortunately puberty was kind enough to grow me out of the “fat, unathletic” part)
I’ve been reading the Wells report on and off – haven’t had the time to sit down and really go through more than 30 or so pages – but while I don’t think that Incognito et al. acted with any malicious intent and were just huge morons, more and more I get the sense that the whole thing was blatantly out of control, and the fact the coaching staff not only didn’t see that, but participated, really bugs me, and as someone who liked Philbin as a head coach, makes me disappointed too.
It also pisses me off how many otherwise-reasonable people I know who’ve played the whole “toughen up” argument. Whenever I bring up anything from the report to debunk that bullshit, they just go “That’s football culture. Older people and people outside just don’t understand” even though a ton of players in the league came out and said that’s not how their locker room is(You can say they only did that for PR reasons, but considering how many respected figures in the league have said they think it’s normal, I don’t buy that they’re lying), and not coincidentally, those are teams like the Steelers, Ravens, Patriots, teams that regularly contend.
People need to get their collective heads out of their ass with regards to issues like this.
I’m sorry you had such a bad scouting experience. It sounds like the leaders of your troop/pack kinda sucked. As a former eagle scout and sometimes volunteer I can say that most troops are not like that. I remember one kid from my troop who showed up to every meeting and campout despite showing no interest in rank advancement, when one of the leaders asked him about it he said that he didn’t care about making eagle, he just liked to come because he had friends in the troop and no one made fun of him there. He still hangs out with some of the guys.
once geno make me eat a jock strap im all DIS A JOCK STRAP
geno smith?
Atkins, I would imagine.
I was bullied in school in a program for the “smart” kids (bullied by other nerds no less). That same year I joined Scouts. In Scouts everyone got teased a little when they started but no one ever crossed the line. The adult leadership was excellent and they didn’t tolerate shenanigans. The older boys looked out for the younger ones and helped them learn and earn rank. When I became older I did the same for the new scouts. Eventually I earned my Eagle, and all of the kids I led as Troop Guide earned Eagle as well.
I’m sorry you had a bad scouting experience, but the core values that Scouting was founded on are certainly not a joke. The joke was the group of assholes who thought they could run a Scout troop while choosing which points of the Scout Law to follow and which ones to completely ignore. Unfortunately your story is the one I hear most often when recalling time spent in the BSA, but there were good troops out there.
yup, completely true. exactly what I think.
PREFACE:
Everything Dave said makes perfect sense, and in no way shape or form is this a direct response to his statements. This is a response to the actions of the public and the media.
The thing is, I feel as if the whole scenario provides some undue criticism towards Incognito. What I mean by that is that we look at Incognito and say “It’s wrong for you to bully people” which is completely true and not unjust to say.
the problem is, we take it even further. We point out his mistakes, we tell him he’s a bully, but then we call him a thug, a POS, a bully, a homophobe, a sexist, a mysoginist, a bigot a whatever.
So basically we bully him.
Yes, his actions are wrong. Yes he deserves criticism. Yes he should understand how it feels. But is that kind of a response okay? Does it even help?
The point I’m trying to make is that our method of criticism of his bullying is through even more bullying, which only serves to perpetuate the disorder, as shown through Richie Incognito’s reactions.
tl;dr