The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–Thursday night delivered what I would call Bad Chaos. 4 days earlier, the Rams lit up the Bills, and the 49ers lit up the Bears. Then on Thursday night, in a rainstorm, both teams got bogged in the muck. Purdy had his worst night of the year and Deebo did nothing to dispel the rumors that he’s washed now. Deebo played football with pneumonia earlier this season and this fact is under-discussed. Pneumonia is not something you recover easily from, and he played football with it. He’s been fat butt since. Fred Warner has a broken foot that he’s been playing on. Football players are stupid sometimes. You can’t rub dirt on Pneumonia and get back out there. 6 total field goals later and the Rams are tied for first in the NFCW while the 49ers are basically out of it. One of the worst SB hangovers in a while.

As for Sunday? Well the games started out silly and then got good before ending with a thud in Seattle.

The Commies lit up the Saints for a half, and then the Kliff Cliff struck again. The Saints walked back into the game and scored the tying touchdown with zero seconds left. Of course, since the Saints are in “who gives a fuck” mode, they went for 2 and the win. Unfortunately, the Saints are ass, and called a terrible play for the attempt, and failed. The Chiefs finally won a normal football game, and Jameis was so bad he got pulled for DTR. The Chiefs playing a normal football game is almost its own form of Chaos. The Ravens predictably crushed the Giants, who were forced to start Tim Boyle in the second half due to a concussion to DeVito. The Panthers, who seemed to be on the verge of taking another step forward, instead took many tiny steps backwards and fell apart against Dallas. I want to believe Bryce could develop, but I think he’s probably still unsalvagable. His high points are still not consistent and the way people talk about him during this past stretch reminds me about how Giants fans would talk themselves into Daniel Jones every time he wasn’t outright terrible. I think there’s been enough this year to justify running it back next season with him (especially with no good replacements in the draft), but I don’t think Bryce will ever become a franchise guy.

The Jets finally got that season-saving win in a thriller against the Macksonville Jaguars! Oh. Nevermind. It was a great example of how two evenly matched worthless teams can sometimes combine to make good football.

I love stupidity. I will not see the Bengals or Titans past a few weeks from now, and we need to understand the magnitude of chaos they are leaving behind. This game would feature 10 total turnovers, with both teams fumbling twice and the Titans throwing 4 picks to the Bengals 2. The game would also feature 26 total penalties for 223 total yards (a pretty even split between teams). It also featured 366 lb T’Vondre Sweat scooping a fumble and stiff-arming a lineman. Great stuff. You ever see one of those boomer craft signs that says “Bless this mess”? That’s the sign I want to hang over this game. You could say the opposite for Cardinals/Patriots. A game that made me wish I was playing Call of Duty instead. I don’t even like Call of Duty. I’ve only played like, 10 minutes of Advanced Warfare years ago. That’s the extent of my Call of Duty experience. The Patriots are trash and probably should fire Jerod Mayo but I don’t see Kraft admitting error one year into firing Bill. Speaking of year one coach mistakes, the Titans should also probably fire Bill Callahan, but the Titans are dumb and fired Mike Vrabel FOR Bill Callahan, so they wont.

Dolphins/Texans wasn’t a crazy game, but it did solidify that the Texans are still capable of being a good football team and the Dolphins are still soft frauds. If the Dolphins make the playoffs again, expect nothing of value from them. The Broncos continue to be sneaky capable though. Bonix overcame a bad start to the Colts game to eek out the win, with a little help from the defense stepping up when they needed to. The Chargers are likely a playoff contender, but this Sunday made it clear they have limits. The Bucs easily handled them in SoFi and Greg Roman’s offense is once again boring and bad. I don’t know why the Harbaughs like Greg Roman so much.

This was a tough loss to stomach for the Lions, who lost roughly half the remaining team to injury and couldn’t seal the #1 seed or even the division. But this game featured some good fun! Football Moose did his thing, chucking the ball across his body 50 yards, bulldozing folks, looking like a 10-year-old boy in the body of a moose. The Lions started getting weird to keep up, with a TD to a lineman and attempting an onside kick with 12 minutes left that backfired. A lot of people have been slamming that decision but considering they couldn’t stop Allen at all, I don’t think it was the worst decision.

Steelers/Eagles was the big surprise this week. Even with a couple early blunders the Eagles shook off the AJ Brown/Hurts controversy and easily handled Pittsburgh. The Eagles have figured themselves out, they are healthy, they are very hateable again, this is a dangerous team.

Seahawks/Packers was dull. The Packers came to Seattle and handed the inconsistent Hawks a fat L, with an injury to Geno to boot. I think the Rams are best team in the West. I had hope at least one of the two MNF games would deliver some goods, but nope. All the quality football this weekend was in the Sunday afternoon block.

GIANTS COFFIN
–Yeah

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–I was torn here. We had two good games full of chaos to pick from. On one hand: disaster chaos – Titans/Bengals. On the other hand, high-quality football chaos: Lions/Bills. Both games greatly entertained me, for different reasons. But lets be real. The chaos of the week was simply NFL-adjacent. After so long wondering where he might end up, Bill Belichick threw a curveball and went to…North Carolina? A school primarily known for basketball? What the hell? This will get a comic so we can save the big discussion for that.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–The Colts, trying to jumpstart the offense in the second half, try a trick play with a double pass that Nik Bonitto picks off and then does a Marshawn Lynch dick grab as he flies into the endzone. He is flagged. Outrage. Let players grab that dick. The Colts never recovered. TBH the Colts tanked the game earlier, in our Big oof of the week.
-49ers linebacker De’Vondre Campbell simply decided to not play in the second half. While he didn’t quite pull a full Vonte Davis, he may as well have. The 49ers have suspended him for the remainder of the season (meaning he gets no pay). I doubt he gets picked up anywhere after this stunt, so he should have just retired.

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Jalen Hurts puts the ball on the ground. The Steelers do nothing with it, and punt. The Eagles immediately fumble the return.

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-We had not one, but TWO instances of players en-route to a score drop the ball before they cross the line. The Bengals would force a fumble of Mason Rudolph and Jordan Battle ends up with the scoop and score. BUT. He tries to switch hands before the line needlessly and fumbles it out the endzone for a touchback. A terrible mistake, but it wouldn’t cost the Bengals too much, as they were up 31-14 at the time.
-Later in the afternoon, a much worse version happened. Leading the Boncos 13-7 in a game the Colts looked surprisingly good in, Jonathan Taylor breaks free up the sideline and runs it in. Upon review…he drops it before crossing the line. The Colts turn the ball over instead and they would never recover from this blunder. I don’t understand how this happens. Players who do this should be immediately cut, imo. Cross the damn line, you idiots. That line is sacred. This is one of the reasons the Fumble out the endzone rule is acceptable: it punishes these idiots accordingly. Of course, this rule is exactly why it’s unacceptable to have this happen.

CHAOS WATCH
–The Lions worry me. The defense has been utterly decimated by injuries and it gets worse every week. Teams who reach the Super Bowl are usually teams who have avoided the injury bug. This bodes poorly for Detroit, who went for an onside kick with 12 minutes left simply because they couldn’t stop Josh Allen anyway. I think the Lions peaked.

–CHIEFS “THEY CANT KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT” MOMENT OF THE WEEK
-This is the first game all year where the Chiefs won normally. Of course, Patrick Mahomes left the game with a foot injury late, so now look for them to use that whole thing as motivation like they did two years ago. I hate this team, and if the Eagles stay on a roll, I might end up in a position to root for a threepeat. This is deeply frustrating.

FRAUD WATCH
–The Commies should not have let the Saints get that close. This is a fun team, but they aren’t that good. I don’t see them making much noise in January. Yes, part of the final score was determined by the refs being an idiot and stopping the clock by accident, giving the Saints a free timeout, but it was still closer than it should have been.
–The Texans are still frauds, but they managed to save face this week and pull themselves out of the hole a little bit.
–Well, after those beatdowns, we have to take a look at the Steelers and Chargers. Not the great performances you want from teams that should be playoff contenders.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Steelers were away, but the Eagles just came off almost losing to the Panthers and a week of apparent in-fighting. This was the best team the Eagles would be facing during this winning streak, and they are stiff against the run. The Eagles responded with Hurts having a killer game, not even needing the run support. The Steelers got toasted in the second half and now they enter the final weeks with some questions. This should have been a good game, not a confident win for Philadelphia.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK, brought to you by the New York Giants
–Lots of teams were unwatchable this week, but the Browns really let me down. Even the Giants managed 14 points. You deserve shame for being the first team all year to hand the Chiefs an easy win. 

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – Anime Week!

BRONCOS @ CHARGERS
The Broncos looked bad against the Colts at home, and won because the Colts started to fall apart. The Chargers got spanked at home by the Bucs. Now they play on TNF. I’d call this a mid-off, but the Chargers in primetime is a chaos element that cannot be ignored. So I’ll go Boncos.
If the Chargers win, I’ll draw Herbert as Vash the Stampede

TEXANS @ CHIEFS
Mahomes has a high ankle sprain. Surely Mahomes being hurt means they can’t go on a run to win the Super Bowl!
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as Naruto with Kermit Mahomes as Pain

STEELERS @ RAVENS
The Ravens lost the first matchup in Pittsburgh. This time though the Ravens are running hot out of the bye and the Steelers just got embarrassed by a different bird. I’ll go Ravens.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Russell Wilson as Subaru Natsuki, returning from death

PATRIOTS @ BILLS
This is unironically the kind of game the Bills would lose out of nowhere to hurt playoff seeding, but I’m not sure these Patriots could muster even that.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Drake Maye as Rintaro Oka-Maye from Steins; Gate

GIANTS @ FALCONS
Hey Falcons, if you want to get Penix some practice reps, just let him play this game!
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as Master Roshi

LIONS @ BEARS
The Lions are breaking, but I don’t think they are broken enough to drop this.
If the Bears win, I will draw Caleb Williams as the psycho QB from Eyeshield 21

CARDINALS @ PANTHERS
Everytime I see this matchup my mind flashes back to that one playoff game between Ryan Lindley and the 7-8-1 Panthers. That was an actual playoff game. Anyway the Panthers have been kinda feisty, but almost winning a bunch of games isn’t actually winning.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as Anya Forger

RAMS @ JETS
The funniest thing would be the Jets going on a hot streak to end the season now that it’s all over, and then giving Rodgers/everyone another year only to repeat all of this.
If the Jets win, I will draw Rodgers as Netero from Hunter X Hunter, unlocking his ultimate powers

EAGLES @ COMMIES
The Commies are a good story this season and I’m happy for them, but I don’t have a lot of hope for them here.
If the Commies win, I will draw Jayden Daniels as Okarun from Dan Da Dan

BROWNS @ BENGALS
Browns are potentially starting DTR again. The Bengals are going to win a bunch of pointless games when the season is toast.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie as Frieren

TITANS @ COLTS
The Colts dropped their chances at the playoffs right before crossing the goalline. Now this easy win means jack shit.
If the Titans win, I will draw Will Levis as Mash from Mashle

VIKINGS @ SEAHAWKS
Seahawks might be without Geno Smith. If they are, this team is totally fucked. If they have him, they are kinda fucked.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Geno Smith (or Sam Howell) as Light Yagami, writing the haters back in his death note

JAGS @ RAIDERS
Wowee this is a real football game? Jags I guess?
If the Raiders win, I will draw Antonio Pierce, Brock Bowers, and Desmond Ridder as Girls Und Panzer (it’s a tanking joke)

49ERS @ DOLPHINS
Are we going to get the good 49ers or the bad? Will Mike McDaniel overcome his mentor? I don’t know anymore. This week is full of hard choices. I guess the Dolphins need it more and are at home.
If the 49ers win, I will draw Bocchi the Brock

BUCS @ COWBOYS
Cowboys, do me a favor and eat some shit. I like it when you do that.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Cooper Rush as Spike with Micah Parsons as Jett from Cowboys Bebop

SAINTS @ PACKERS
Ending the week with a fat thud.
If the Saints win, I will draw Spence and Wolf

A TIE
If we get a tie, both QBs being sucked into an Uzumaki spiral