The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–Honestly, outside of the 2 games involved in the Chaos of the week, this was not a particularly weird week. It started strong though with the incredible snow globe game between Cleveland and Pittsburgh. That was an AFC North classic for the ages. The visuals were beautiful and the game was pretty good too! A thrilling ending to cap off a solid performance by both teams. Myles Garrett hates the Steelers and I respect it.

First up: the uninspired blowout games. Tampa blew up New York and I shrugged. I will say that Baker Mayfield should be ashamed of his DeVito mocking gesture. The Italian hand gesture is a sacred gesture and it must be performed correctly. It’s a sublte movement, just a little forearm moving and some wrist flicking. Baker Mayfield looked like he was doing CrossFit, waving his arms wildly like a madman. It was embarassing. If you want to mock my people DO IT RIGHT. I like you, Baker. This was extremely disappointing. You can be better at being petty, I know you have it in you. Work on it.

Drake Maye sure seems like he’s a cool guy stuck on a bad team with poor coaching. Hope that doesn’t ruin him. The Dolphins obliterated the Patriots. The Broncos struggled a bit but the Raiders suck pretty bad and now Gardner Minshew is out. Daniel Jones time? Daniel Jones time. The Lions obviously took care of the Colts. The Packers beat up the hobbled and hungover 49ers. The Cardinals came into Seattle like “Take us seriously!” and then proceeded to show us why we shouldn’t. The Eagles are firing on all cylinders and the Rams posed little threat. The Chargers proved that they simply aren’t as good as the Ravens.

The close games were a little more fun. Carolina gave Kansas City just enough of a scare to be funny. This Chiefs team does not deserve their record and if I have to hear Andy Ried say Bundlerooskie again I might have an aneurysm. The Vikings descent into fraudsville continues, with every win less convincing than the last. The Bears love finding ways to lose though.

GIANTS COFFIN
–I will save my Daniel Jones chatter for a comic later this week. This week was a good reminder that Tommy DeVito is a fun novelty but not actually any good. People were genuinely scared the guy would play us out of tank range and I’d imagine Sunday put a lot of those fears to rest. He gets too much blame for last year anyway, that was mostly due to poor competition and good defense. This team doesn’t have the juice and DeVito sucks. To be honest I was surprised at how bad it was. I knew they’d lose, I knew it probably wouldn’t be pretty, but the team looked like they just didn’t give a shit for the first time in the Daboll era that I remember. That’s a bad sign for Daboll’s future. There was some dissent in the locker room regarding the Jones benching/release and it seems like Jones had the respect of his peers and that at least some people were upset about everything. It felt like Jones getting released plus the vote of confidence earlier was Mara admitting that Daboll and Schoen would stick around and get a chance to groom their own guy but if the team comes out as flat as this for the rest of the year we might be starting fresh.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–For most of the early slate it felt like Texans/Titans was the easy winner for this category. The Texans are full-on frauds. Will Levis at one point had 7 sacks to one incompletion and a touchdown. Will Levis is chaos QB incarnate and I will be sad when he is banished to backup after this year. While the Tits/Tex game was the most chaotic overall experience, the other Texas game featured a real competitor for funniest ending of the year. Somehow the Commies have claimed a stake in the two funniest endings of the year. For most of the game the Commies also revealed themselves as frauds and I might have to make a comic about the Kliff Cliff. But the Cowboys are a pile of shit and right at the end with less than a minute left the Commies had a desperation moment that turned into a miracle. Daniels hit McClaurin who dodged some poor tackles and took it to the house to “presumably” tie it up. I was laughing. My wife, who had come in to chat, was also laughing. I mocked the Cowboys on social media. 30 seconds later the kicker shanks the extra point and we are both laughing even harder. A minute after that Dallas recovers the onside kick attempt and runs into the endzone. I may never recover all the pieces to my sides that split off in a violent fit.

Here is a visual of my reaction in real time.

 

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–No missed kick will be funnier than the Commies shanking that extra point. That was River City Relay levels of comedy and tragedy.

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–I’m just gonna keep repeating how much I laughed at that Cowboys game ending.

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Deep into the third quarter the Giants finally converted their first 3rd down of the entire game. They would immediately fumble. I have no idea how I would still be alive if I couldn’t just continuously lock myself in a hole and relive the 2007 super bowl over and over again.

CHAOS WATCH
–The Dolphins dug themselves quite a hole to climb out of but I’m excited to see if they can do it.
-The NFC west feels wide open. Nobody there is clearly above the others and with the 49ers clearly having a down year I genuinely don’t know where the strongest will rise.

 

FRAUD WATCH
–At this point in the season, the frauds have become far more clear. I do worry about the Steelers and the Chiefs simply are not as good as their record indicates but both teams are also still clearly solid playoff contenders who could make noise. The Vikings feel like they are going to get embarassed in the wildcard round, the Texans are for sure going to get obliterated and are even still a risk for being overtaken by the Colts for the division. The Commies are still a bit of a mystery. Things feel like they are falling apart quickly but the pieces are there to stop the skid. Daniels needs to simply ignore Kliff Kingsbury and do whatever he wants.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Cardinals managed to squeak into first place in the midst of the NFCW chaos. We were being forced to take them seriously. The Seahawks feel vulnerable this year, things aren’t completely coalescing. This was a prime chance for Arizona to take another step forward in the division and in our collective consciousness. They flopped. Back to Call of Duty.

 

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–In a disgraceful year it says something that this was the worst Giants performance I’ve watched so far. Sometimes I hate that I love the entire sport of football instead of just being a Giants fan. If I was just a Giants fan and didn’t care about anything else that much, I could use this team as an opportunity to be free and go outside and enjoy my Sundays.

 

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – THANKSGIVING WEEK!

BEARS @ LIONS
The Bears new look offense isn’t bad! Caleb is getting the ball out fast and the team is executing smarter. Too bad it is the Bears. They will put up a valiant performance, far better than expected, and lose anyway.
If the Bears win, I will draw Caleb Williams throwing Rome Odunze the Green Bean Casserole

GIANTS @ COWBOYS
This is the game most of us will be eating during or potentially napping for. The Cowboys are truly terrible, especially at home this season. If the Giants want to retain any dignity whatsoever for the rest of the year, they have to win this game. They wont.
If the Giants win, I will draw Tommy DeVito with a delightful Thanksgiving lasagna.

DOLPHINS @ PACKERS
I would love to see the Dolphins pull the upset but I don’t see it happening.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Jordan Love drowning in Tua’s Mac and Cheese

RAIDERS @ CHIEFS
Last year Antonio Pierce won the job by winning this matchup. This year he will prove he never deserved it in the same matchup.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Pierce carving the perfectly cooked Walrus

TEXANS @ JAGUARS
I’d say the Texans are lucky to face such poor competition to cover up their flaws with easy wins but I said that last week and they went and lost to the Titans, in Houston. Texans should win again, but they are losers in my heart.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Doug Pederson and Press Taylor wearing matching aprons in the kitchen

COLTS @ PATRIOTS
The Patriots got the most important piece of the puzzle. We really have to hope they didn’t let the dog eat the other pieces. The Colts are mid and should win this.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Jerod Mayo crushing cranberries

CHARGERS @ FALCONS
The Falcons are frauds. They didn’t play last week, but don’t let that fact be forgotten.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Kirk resting his freshly baked apple pie on the shelf of his large keister

SEAHAWKS @ JETS
There are rumors Aaron Rodgers is going to get benched. Things fell apart even faster than anyone could have anticipated. I cannot wait to see what kind of bullshit he pulls this offseason when nobody wants him.
If the Jets win, I draw Davante Adams having a Taco Bell Thanksgiving

TITANS @ COMMIES
The Commies need to win this supposed easy matchup if they want to right the ship. If they lose this, we are in big trouble.
If the Titans win, I will draw Will Levis using mayo as gravy

STEELERS @ BENGALS
I cannot wait to see how Joe Burrow throws for 4 touchdowns and 450 yards and loses this time.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow cutting a slice of his signature Steelers pie

CARDINALS @ VIKINGS
The Vikings will win another game that somehow makes them look even worse.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray swimming in a bowl of mashed potatoes

RAMS @ SAINTS
Can the Saints win 3 in a row by just abusing Taysom Hill? It has to stop some time. I’ll give the Rams my love.
If the Saints win, I will draw Taysom Hill as a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade

BUCS @ PANTHERS
Bryce Young is playing the best football of his career. That’s still not saying much.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Chubby Hubbard, absolutely stuffed full of food

EAGLES @ RAVENS
Derrick Henry vs Saquon Barkley for the best RB to escape a poverty franchise. I think the Eagles are just playing better ball right now. Not even bad Sirianni decisions can stop them.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Derrick Henry eating Saquon like a turkey leg

49ERS @ BILLS
The 49ers are having a season to forget. Make it worse for them, Buffalo!
If the 49ers win, I will draw Brock Turkey

BROWNS @ BRONCOS
The Broncos are probably going to shut down the chaos of Jameis Winston. Sure hope they do. Or not, a win improves the Giants draft positioning.
If the Browns win, I will draw The Brownie deep-frying Bonix

A TIE
If we get a tie I will draw both QBs as leftovers nobody wanted