The Lions Hangover
Early on in the season, in week two or three, former NFL player and current media guy Chris Long seemed to notice something. Teams that play the Lions look like shit the following week.
The idea seems pretty simple. The Lions are a smashmouth brick wall of a team in a very classic fuck you mold. They run the ball down your throat a lot. The QB is a pure pocket passer. The offensive line is a monster and Penei Sewell might be the best active tackle in football. They just beat you up. Considering Dan Campbell is probably the largest coach in the league and can likely eat most other coaches, everything fits.
Let’s look at the evidence so far this season.
Week 1- Lions play the Rams
Week 2- The Rams get utterly annihilated by the Arizona Cardinals, suffering one of the most lopsided defeats in football this entire season thus far, losing 41-10. The Lions would go and play the Buccaneers.
Week 3- The Bucs suffer their first loss of the season, getting embarrassed 26-7 at home by the then winless Denver Broncos. The Lions would play Arizona.
Week 4- The Arizona Cardinals would play the Washington Commanders in Arizona and get boat raced, 42-14, a similar result to the same game they had against the Rams. The Lions would play Seattle in a MNF thriller. Seattle put up a good fight, but would suffer their first loss of the year.
Week 5- The Seahawks would face the 1-win Giants in Seattle and lose 29-20 in a game that never quite looked as close as the score did, the Hawks being gifted a freak fumble TD early on. The Giants largely controlled the line of scrimmage and time of possession. They sacked Geno 7 times. Seattle then had a short week and lost to San Francisco in a game where they made a lot of uncharacteristic mistakes. The Lions broke Seattle. The Lions would be on a bye this week.
That’s our pretty clear evidence so far. Since the Lions were on a bye in week 5, we cannot expect a result in week 6.
Week 6 – The Lions will play Dallas this weekend. Dallas is fortunate to have a bye in week 7, meaning the hangover will likely not come into play. So it will not be till week 8 when the theory can come into play once more.
Week 7- As stated above, Dallas is on bye. The Lions will play The Vikings in what I assume will be a highly anticipated matchup.
Week 8- The Vikings will be playing on a short week on Thursday Night Football in Los Angeles against the Rams. If the Vikings are still undefeated at this point, I would put a lot of money that this becomes the first loss, to a team they should very much beat. The Lions will play the Titans.
Week 9- The Titans will play The Patriots. If the streak holds true, prepare for the Drake Maye breakout game. The Lions will play The Packers.
Week 10- The Packers are on a bye, they will be spared the hangover. Lucky them. The Lions play The Texans.
Week 11- The Texans play the Cowboys on MNF. So they get an extra day of rest. The Lions will play the Jaguars. ooof.
Week 12- The Jaguars are on bye! Does the NFL know about this? That’s the third team spared the effect thanks to lucky timing. The Lions play the Colts.
Week 13- The Colts play the Patriots. The Patriots may inflate their win total this year by beating up hungover teams. The Lions play the Bears on Thanksgiving.
Week 14- The Bears have to play San Francisco, in SF. Bosa gonna eat. The Lions play The Packers.
Week 15- The Packers play the Seahawks. This game may end up having significant playoff implications. The Lions play The Bills.
Week 16- The Bills play The Patriots. If the Patriots get 3 wins off of this shit I am calling shenanigans. The Lions play the Bears again.
Week 17- The Bears play the Seahawks, meaning the Lions could potentially gift the Seahawks two late-season wins indirectly, maybe even saving their season. The Lions play the 49ers.
Week 18- The 49ers play the Cardinals. If the 49ers have claimed the top seed by then, this game may not matter. It may also matter far more than expected. The Lions will play the Vikings, a game that may have major playoff-seeding implications.
…Wait.
I get it now.
It’s all laid out before us.
The Vikings season is going surprisingly well. The Vikings are also a cursed franchise, doomed to suffer at the hands of a cruel tease of a god. They are going to be entering the playoffs with the hangover on them, no matter the result of week 18. This means that if the Vikings claim any playoff seed other that #1, they will play on wildcard weekend. That’s how the Vikings season ends. That’s what happens. It might even be to the #7 seed team if the Vikings are #2. That would be a new level of embarrassment. I feel like I just got a glimpse into the source code of the matrix.
The Vikings will lose on Wildcard Weekend because of the Lions Hangover. This is my prediction. If this comes to pass, remember this post.
Discussion (14) ¬
We Vikings fans always need something or someone to blame. Thanks for stepping up and shouldering that blame in advance, David.
Or you could, you know, earn the bye for wildcard weekend.
But that’d just prolong our suffering another week.
This raises a very good question: why DOESN’T Dan Campbell, the largest head coach, simply not eat the other 31?
Reference accepted. Snappy comeback not found.
Running the ball with a double digit lead in the second half? That’s for schoolgirls. Now this is a play call with some chest hair.
You see, defenses have a preset screen limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own screen passes at them until they reached their limit and broke down.
Kiff, alert the men! OwenSixteen is a genius!
That’s it. Robert Saleh was not fired, he was set free, and now Jeff Ulbrich will be the sacrifice to Dan Campbell instead.
Maybe the Lions being on a bye for week 5 just extended the Seahawks hangover into the Niners beatdown?
Also, the Packers might be a fun test to see if the hangover carries over after a bye.
Who says the bye week can’t have a hangover?
Anyways, the Vikings might already have the 1-seed locked up by week 18. Or they might be between seeds 2-4 and decide to rest people.
Back in the heyday of the Legion of Boom there was a very real Seahawks hangover.
The Niners did this in 2022. Teams who played against the Niners were 0-15 the following week. The only team who didn’t lose their next game after playing SF was the Chiefs who got a bye week after playing them.