The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–You may have noticed I changed up the Chaometer a bit with some new additions. Considering the several categories I’ve been using for the post every week, it only made sense to make those additions. The Fraud meter is the important one, because there are many stages of fraud. This early in the season we don’t have the clearest picture of who the true frauds are, so we needed a step that says “I’ve got my eye on you, but only as a curiosity”. These are teams that have exhibited mild fraud symptoms, but may just be a blip. Under surveillance means I’ve seen some trends. Red alert means we very likely have fraud on our hands.

I’ve seen some comments that this was a wild week of football and I agree. We had some fun shit this time. Even the week’s trashfire got silly with it. The Patriots got an early lead and spent the rest of the game letting Miami trip over their own dicks enough times to score enough points to win anyway. Tua should be back after the bye week and thank god, Miami might be watchable again. The Panthers resumed being the Panthers while Caleb looked like the star he was hyped as. The 49ers crumbled in the 4th AGAIN to fall to 2-3 and the Cardinals saved their season on some goofiness. The Jaguars tried desperately to choke over and over again but couldn’t do it because the Colts matched them choke for choke. The Texans clobbered the Bills until Nico Collins got hurt and suddenly the Bills had turned the tables. But Josh Allen got concussed no matter what the NFL tries to tell me and then played like it and the Texans squeaked away with a win.

The Broncos defense is legit as hell and the BOlievers rise in power. The Raiders benched Minshew. Seems like the usual Minshew MO. Plays well enough for a few games and you love his attitude but then it just becomes clear he hasn’t got the juice. I also think Antonio Pierce ain’t got the juice. He’s punted from the enemy territory on multiple occasions. Being a cool guy in the locker room only goes so far. The Packers and Rams duked out a slop fest that nobody really watched. The Giants upset Seattle, in Seattle! The Steelers play the exact same game every single week, and the Browns and Panthers fought to be unwatchable. The Jets flew to London and ate shit to Brian Flores, but the Vikings didn’t exactly inspire in their 5th win of the year. But if we had to give an award to the most entertaining game of the week, it was Bengals/Ravens. Incredible play from Burrow and Lamar, Ja’Marr Chase is a god, Derrick Henry is a legend, that was a battle for the ages.

GIANTS CORNER
–Okay. So now that we have 5 weeks under our belt, the Vikings game was clearly the anomaly. The Giants are not a bad team, they are a mid team. Maybe stick them in the bad-mid range. Drafting around #8-12 range. The playoffs will not happen, but we aren’t the putrid squalor I initially thought. Jones even had his deep ball back against Seattle. But there are reasons to feel hope again! The offensive line, as long as it stays healthy, appears to be fixed. The 2024 draft class appears to be mostly hits so far: Nabers rules, Nubin looks good, Dru Phillips is good, Theo Johnson is starting to contribute, and Tyrone Tracy had a breakout game in Seattle. Frankly, I think he deserves more carries than Singletary or Gray. Jones has time and if he can hit deep throws again the offense opens up. Wan’Dale Robinson and Slayton are not the most reliable pieces but they are mostly working. The pass rush is sneaky good despite Burns and Thibs not putting up gaudy numbers. They are actually forcing a lot of QBs to get stuck in the middle where Dex eats them up, and Dex is tied for 2nd in sacks now just .5 behind Hutchinson. The team feels like it is playing better every week, even if the ceiling isn’t very high. I’m curious to see if it holds up. We could legitimately be 4-1 right now if not for some boneheaded shit early on.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–Ravens/Bengals might have been the better game but as Mina Kimes mentioned, the Falcons are this year’s “weird” team. Maybe Kirk Cousins is the patron Saint of Chaos. Kirk Chaosins. We were privileged to start the week off with our first good Thursday Night Football game in ages, with Kirk and Baker throwing incredible haymakers at each other all night. Matt Ryan was honored at the game while Kirk went and broke his single-game passing record, throwing for over 500 yards. Remember when Kirk sucked in primetime? Kirk has ascended. I will remember his dorky white ass swag surfing till the day I die. Also the game-winning TD in overtime was my biggest yell of the week until the Giants blocked the kick.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–That final drive playcalling for Buffalo. What the fuck, McDermott
–Derrick Henry rumbling for most of the field in overtime to set up the gamewinner. What a stud.
–Christ, Jayden Daniels might win MVP. He’s this year’s Stroud, and might be better.
–Kyler knowing he was going all the way before he’d even gotten past the safeties.

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Younghoe Koo misses a kick. The Bucs get penalized, making the kick a bit easier. Koo shanks the next kick anyway.
-Before the Cowboys actually won, second down featured the RB getting blasted and the ball popping out like a cork. Cork ball always elicits a laugh out of me.
–Joe Flacco scrambling for a first down like he’s Michael Vick

CHAOS WATCH
–I think we can now confirm that the Lions Hangover is a real thing. I will probably make a comic about it. The Lions were off this week, so nobody will be hit come week 6. Outside that, this is the Falcons territory now baby. Watch out.

FRAUD WATCH
–It’s been a while since we defined what a fraud is and after some discussions online I figured I would take some time here to re-illustrate the parameters. Frauds are teams that look legit but arent. They can still be good teams, in fact they often are. The giveaway is that under scrutiny they probably aren’t as good as they seem on the surface. Maybe they’ve won a lot of close games against poor competition. They’ve had lucky breaks but looked really bad against the occasional quality competition. Advanced stats have them in the middle of the pack despite a high record. Frauds always feel like they are on the precipice of being exposed.

Anyway, I think the Cowboys are exhibiting signs. They pulled off a win in Pittsburgh and against New York, but neither win was very convincing. The 49ers are technically a losing record team right now but the only game in which they were outplayed was the Vikings game. Those two late-game meltdowns, however…fraudulent shit. The Vikings might seem like a weird choice here, but the London game was the first bad outing by Darnold. It has looked a bit worse every week, and despite being 5-0, will it hold? The Texans as well, they looked awful after losing Collins and haven’t amazed this year. Signs of potential trouble brewing.

The Seahawks are moving into surveillance, as they have wins against the Broncos, Patriots, and Dolphins. Only the Broncos are respectable there, and that was week 1 when BOlieving was low. The Bills have dropped two bad losses in a row with some bad coaching. That’s a warning for you, Buffalo. Buffalo might also be on the precipice of a freefall, which would make them no longer frauds but exposed.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–I have no idea why I originally called this category Disappointment Duck, what does a duck have to do with disappointment? Maybe I just panicked and used alliteration. Anyway now I’m fond of it. A reminder that this isn’t the worst team of the week, it’s the team that everyone probably expected to play better but instead came out and laid an egg. This week? I would give that honor to The Seahawks. They were hungover and they played like it. If it hadn’t been for a freak fumble return at the start of the game, this one wouldn’t have even been that close.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–This one is always hard because to be truly unwatchable you have to not only be bad, you have to be boring. The Browns? Awful franchise in the pit of despair right now, maybe the bleakest they’ve been since they came back into existence, but watching Watson get pummeled into dirt brings an undeniable sense of satisfaction and schadenfreude. The Panthers? Also terrible, but watching the Bears style on them was also entertaining. The Steelers? Pretty much exist in an unwatchable state at all times to the point where you begin to appreciate it, especially on offense. Miami? Miami remains unwatchable…but they won. So we must give this award to the team that managed to look even worse: the Patriots. Start Drake Maye, give us literally any new reason to watch you, because I will not otherwise.

 

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK

49ERs @ SEAHAWKS
Two NFCW powerhouses coming off embarassing losses. Seattle got punked in their own stadium by Daniel Freakin Jones. The 49ers fumbled away another game in which they looked like the better team and are now 0-2 in the division. Who gets back on track here? On such a short week I have to give it to Seattle at home but since it’s a Thursday game it will probably be ass.
If the 49ers win, I will draw the number 49 beating the shit out of the number 12

JAGUARS @ BEARS
The Jaguars finally got that elusive win. Now they can get back on tra…hahaha just kidding. The Bears defense is going to take a big fat shit on Dougy P’s offense and Caleb looks better every week. Plus, I have to pick against the Jags, that’s how we get Sexy Trevors.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Sexy Trevor rising out of a deep-dish pizza like Marylin Monroe

BUCS @ SAINTS
The NFCS is actually good this year? Well, outside you know who. Going Bucs. Saints seem to have come back down to mid.
If the Saints win, I will draw Derek Car running over famous pirates

COMMIES @ RAVENS
MOST ANTICIPATED OF THE WEEK
The Beltway Brawl might be game of the week! I’ll take the home team as they are the first true challenge this Commies team will face so far and the Ravens are battle-tested.
If the Commies win, I will draw Comrade Daniels giving old bay back to the people

CARDINALS @ PACKERS
Maybe Romeo Doubs will shut up this time. I’ll take the home team, but I would not be surprised if this game has shenanigans.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray in CoD head shotting Jordan Love

COLTS @ TITANS
The Colts are bad but functional with Flacco. Not sure if Flacco starts this week, but I have to give them the nod anyway over the Tits. The real question is: Will Will Levis give us another meme turnover?
If the Titans win, I will draw Will Levis as a samurai master

TEXANS @ PATRIOTS
Start Drake Maye, cowards. Do it. You won’t. (Disregard this taunt if the news is announced)
If the Patriots win, I will draw the old Pat Patriot logo but with a bull’s head instead of a ball

BROWNS @ EAGLES
I’d actually prefer the Browns win this game but that would require the Browns to start Jameis Winston, the lesser predator. They’ve tied themselves that rapist horse for some reason.
If the Browns win, I will draw Nick Sirianni with his head on the chopping block, just waiting for the blade to fall

CHARGERS @ BRONCOS
DONT STOP…BOLIEVIN
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as a maniac mad scientist who has replaced his hands with phone chargers

STEELERS @ RAIDERS
MOST UNWATCHABLE GAME OF THE WEEK
The Steelers defense is the only competent unit here. Everything else is covered in grime. Even I think the bad team on the road curse isn’t strong enough to strike here.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Antonio Pierce peeing on the steel curtain

FALCONS @ PANTHERS
The Panthers pulled Andy Dalton late against the Bears to keep him safe from injury after garbage time started. Of course, they threw Bryce Young back out there. Says a lot about how highly they think of him. You literally can’t think highly of Bryce though. Maybe an ant could.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Andy Dalton as a Phoenix

LIONS @ COWBOYS
Cowboys, even if you win this, and I don’t think you will, just prepare for a really shitty week 7.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Sherrif Dak Prescot putting the Outlaw Jared Goof in the stocks

BENGALS @ GIANTS
The Bengals are definitely better than their record so I’m not going to fall for any trap here. Maybe Zac Taylor can fuck it up enough for them.
If the Giants win, I will draw Dark Danny, his powerful second-form

BILLS @ JETS
This game might have looked more appealing a few weeks ago. Instead, the Jets are coming off of two embarassing performances and the Bills are on IR. I’ll take the home team here.
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen using his cannon arm to blow a fighter jet out of the sky

BYES: Chiefs, Rams, Dolphins, Vikings

A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw both QBs doing the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti thing (Gonna reuse this one for a while because it’s good)