The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–This was one of those weeks that didn’t actually have much chaos but still had a few standout moments. Generally, this was a week of things settling in. The Saints aren’t looking like an offensive juggernaut anymore so maybe we can pump the brakes there. The Bucs stomped out the Eagles, the Cowboys scraped by the Giants, and it would appear the Washington Commanders should be the actual NFCE favorite. The Jaguars blew it, the Texans might not be quite as good as last year, the Rams are an injured mess, and the Panthers are still bad. Patrick Mahomes injured his own WR and the Chiefs still keep winning ugly games anyway. But we had some fun too. The Steelers continue to be absolute failures at playing bad teams. Anthony Richardson is just a hospital bill at this point but who cares! WE GOT SOME JOE FLACCO BABY. I love Joe Flacco. Imagine if the Browns had a guy like him. The Bears are still a mess but I would say this was the best Caleb game yet. He cannot make any of his USC miracle stuff work but he made some actual big boy throws too. Thats a good sign.

Much love must again be paid to our Chaos Kings the Minnesota Vikings. They stomped on the nuts of the Packers for one half of football and then muffed a punt and went conservative and almost ended up losing. They held on to win by two points after building a 28-0 lead. The game has led to hilarious cope from both fanbases, Vikings fans trying desperately to claim they were holding back deliberately to not put any more of the team on tape (partially true, probably, but that doesn’t excuse the almost total collapse) and the Packers fans are pretending they weren’t a pile of shit for the first half. This season feels like it is setting up the Vikings for a more spectacular season ending meltdown than usual. I’m here to see how they pull it off. Titans/Dolphins lived up to billing, being just as putrid as everyone expected.

GIANTS CORNER
–That game was frustrating in a refreshing new way. Normally the Cowboys embarrass us. The Giants actually competed in that game. If we had a QB who could hit a pass beyond 10 yards, we’d have won. Hell, we’d probably be 3-1 if we had that. People who didn’t watch that game will look at the box score and think Daniel Jones was good. He was not. He’s a checkdown king now and every pass beyond 10 yards is late, inaccurate, and usually underthrown (but sometimes overthrown). His only deep shot was to Nabers with nobody around him for 20 yards, and Nabers still had to slow up and twist to catch it, if Danny leads him on that play it’s probably a touchdown. We also had some unfortunate drops. Wan’Dale Robinson is not reliable. Darius Slayton is not reliable. Nabers is now concussed. Jalin Hyatt is in Daboll’s doghouse for some reason, not that a deep threat has any value to this team. Much was made of how the Cowboys woeful run defense was suddenly stout. If you were facing a team that had a QB who can’t throw a good ball past the line of scrimmage you can just sell out and fill the box every play. It worked! I’m so sick of Daniel Jones.

Also a very special fuck you to the refs in that game. Garbage officiating. They called a facemask on the guy who GOT facemasked!

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–Chaos can make the unwatchable into a thing of beauty. In a disgusting downpour of a day in Metlife the Boncos and Bo came to face the mighty Jets. What we got was an inexcusable loss for the Jets. The Broncos crushed the Jets offense and smothered Throw Rogan. Bonix was 7-15 for NEGATIVE 7 YARDS at one point in the game. He ended up with 60 yards and his first touchdown and a win. Bonix is my new favorite player and drawing him as Onyx is extremely fun. Rodgers and Saleh seem to hate each other. We are headed for a fun mess for the Jets season.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
-Younghoe Koo with the biggest kick of the week to put the Saints in the dirt. I kind of hate this new kicker domination NFL. We finally reached an era where teams go for 4th downs more often but they are still cowardly and pulling up with 55 yard kicks because why not when your guy has the leg. We need to make field goals hard again.
-Deshaun Watson had his best play since being a Texan called back for a phantom holding call, you love to see it
-At one point the Bucs had 255 total yards compared to the Eagles having 0. Sirianni is not going to survive this season at this rate.
-Josh Allen throws a massive bomb from the sideline and on the next drive with all the momentum they try a pointless trick play and the Ravens punish them severely. They fucked around and found out.

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Deshaun Watson throws a perfect dart downfield to Amari Cooper, who sits in a circle of 5 Raiders. The ball hits him perfectly in the chest and then pops out and turns into a pick. It is like the football gods reached down and told Watson to eat shit, and I laughed hardily.
-With less than 2 minutes left the Jets have a 4th and 10. The Broncos sack Rodgers instantly. I cackled harder than Rodgers’ old bones.
-Justin Fields has largely been safe in Pittsburgh. Then this scramble/sack/fumble happened. You can take Fields off the Bears, but you can’t take the Bears off of Justin Fields. It was almost nostalgic to watch.

CHAOS WATCH
–There is something people are noticing: the Lions hangover. Teams that play the Lions look like shit the following week. The Rams played them week 1 and in week 2 got obliterated by Arizona. The Bucs played them in week 2 and in week 3 lost to the fucking Broncos. The Cardinals played them in week 3 and this past weekend the Cardinals got blown up by Washington. The Seahawks were the Lions opponent this week. In week 5, the Seahawks play the Giants. If the Giants win that game (And they have an extra 4 days rest), we have a legitimate and predictable chaos phenomenon on our hands

 

FRAUD WATCH
–Can I say I’m concerned about Houston? They don’t seem nearly like the competitor from last year.

 

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Steelers. Mike Tomlin being unable to prepare his team for bad opponents in away games is a known trend now but it never gets less embarassing.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Dolphins are beached. Rotting on the sand. Tua should get MVP consideration just for showing how worthless they are without him.

 

————————————————————

BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – Our first theme week of the year. To celebrate me spending my free time in the new Zelda game we are going with ZELDA WEEK

BUCS @ FALCONS
Bucs had that hiccup against the Broncos D but otherwise just look great. Falcons do remain feisty. Do we get Primetime Kirko?
If the Falcons win, I will draw Kirk Cousins riding a loftwing from Skyward Sword

JETS @ VIKINGS
SAM DARNOLD REVENGE GAME? Aaron Rodgers beating up his old foe? Maybe scouting out what team to go to next year? Gotta roll Vikings until they prove otherwise.
If the Jets win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers as The King of Green Lions

PANTHERS @ BEARS
The Panthers have to go to Chicago and face the team starting what should be all of their own draft picks. Learned my lesson picking the Panthers, won’t do that again.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Andy Dalton as Volvagia

BROWNS @ COMMIES
I might hate the Jayden Daniels Commies one day, but this week will not be that day.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie as Tingle

DOLPHINS @ PATS
Dolphins are poop from a butt until Tua comes back.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Tyler Huntley as a Zora

COLTS @ JAGS
The Jaguars are in meltdown mode. Doug Pederson is throwing players under the bus. His loyalty to Press Taylor is going to cost him two straight jobs. This team is imploding at an alarming rate. I don’t know if Richardson will play as of this writing (His hip injury seemed mild) but the Jags better hope he does. I’m tempted to pick the Jags because the Colts are not good and it is hard to go 0-5 in the NFL, they have to get that ugly win sometime. But still, Colts.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence as Zelda

BILLS @ TEXANS
The Texans are low-key worrying me but the Bills also just suffered their biggest loss of the past several years. One of these teams is going to right the ship against a quality opponent. I’m picking Buffalo.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as Goht, the mechanical bull

RAVENS @ BENGALS
The Bengals put themselves in such a dire position to start this season when they lost against the Patriots. This might get ugly.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow as a Wizzrobe (Creepy BotW version)

RAIDERS @ BRONCOS
I BOLIEVE…in Denvers defense
If the Raiders win, I will draw Gardner Minshew as Linebeck from Phantom Hourglass

CARDINALS @ 49ERS
The 49ers looked like themselves again last week so we can count the Cardinals as “in danger”.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Jonathan Gannondorf

GIANTS @ SEAHAWKS
Will the extra rest and Lions hangover strike Seattle? I would not put money on it.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as one of the 4 Giants from Majoras Mask

PACKERS @ RAMS
The Rams are so fucked, man. Though we must note, the Packers are 2-2 this year, and both losses came with Love under center. Do I believe that means literally anything? No. But if they lose this game, it means something.
If the Rams win, I will draw Matthew Stalfos

COWBOYS @ STEELERS
The Steelers defense is probably going to give these Cowboys problems. These Cowboys arent good.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw King Dakdongo

SAINTS @ CHIEFS
The Chiefs aren’t even fun to watch anymore but they are still winning games. I hate it.
If the Saints win, I will draw Derek Car as Midna

Byes: Lions, Chargers, Eagles, Tits

A TIE
If we get a tie I will draw both QBs as Twinrova’s combined form