THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–Alright, so disclosure: I am in Germany. Due to the stress and timing of travel, I missed pretty much everything live. I also forgot to email myself the Chaometer file for editing, so that’s why I had to improvise this week’s report. Next weekend may be the same thing. This does not make me happy, I am not a good traveller. Berlin seems cool though.
I make a lot of fuss about how week 1 is unpredictable nonsense but honestly, so is week 2. A lot of hidden trends aren’t clear yet, and we are still in “everything could be a blip” territory. But we did have some delicious morsels.
First up: RIP to the real ones. Caleb Williams AND Jayden Daniels AND Jaxson Dart all died on the field in tough losses, and it is heartbreaking. Daniels re-injured his elbow, and Caleb went down with a non-contact injury to his leg. Thankfully Dart and Williams seemed to be spared major injuries (Hamstring pull for Caleb and a knee sprain for Dart), but it was rough.
The Patriots got back on track with a decent win against the Steelers. The 49ers took care of business as expected over woeful Miami. The Falcons suck ass. The Texans continue to fall apart in the Redzone, and the Lions secondary appears to be a suggestion more than a unit. The Seahawks are still great. The Chiefs might be back. The Chiefs and Raiders tied with two wins, what a world.
The Packers and Eagles barely escaped with their lives this weekend too. The Eagles needed some last minute heroics to pull past the mighty (checks notes) Titans? Ooof. The Packers were even more embarrassing, almost losing to the Jets until Aaron Glenn forgot how to manage a gameclock. Two big “thank god we escaped that” kinda wins. The Packers win feels especially sour, because Green Bay was honestly horrible all game and a more competent franchise would have blown them to bits.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
– If you just looked at the box score, the Packers winning would be nothing. Then you look a little closer. It was in overtime? It was a 4th quarter comeback? The Jets outgained them in basically every stat? The Packers came out of this with the feel bad win of the week.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
– Ja’marr Chase WHAT THE FUCK
–The Colts/Chiefs game almost ended on Laquon Treadwell (!) catching a deep pass, then fumbling it. Replay showed he was down.
GIANTS CORNER
– Due to the time zone I am in I did not watch the game live and I feel thankful to have missed it, because the first post I see when I checked my phone Tuesday morning was Dart’s injury replay. Then I find out Nabers got hurt, Thomas got hurt, and Burns got hurt, and whatever was left played like garbage. I was not expecting the Giants to beat the Rams but it’s never fun when a game comes with a side of physical misery.
THE VIBE CHECK
– Never expected the Bucs to plummet so badly. Pathetic. Outside that, we had a couple more massive shifts. The Bears season looked to have gone up in smoke. The Jaguars took a gut punch after riding so high and the Broncos bounced back. The Raiders look competent, and the Chargers? Something’s broken. Two losses, to two teams that drafted top 5 in April. The schedule doesn’t get easier. The Ravens also took a shocker to the Saints, but maybe the Saints are…okay? Carolina still looks like the NFCS team to beat.
The Giants vibes dropped like a rock too.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–It is always a cackle to see Rodgers get blindsided, having the fumble turn into a yakkity sax routine was the cherry on top.
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Caleb Noooo! Jayden Nooo! JAXSON NOOO
CHAOS WATCH
– The Saints. You have my attention.
– The Raiders. You also have my attention.
– The Bengals. You have my attention. Dex has proven to be exactly what that defense needed.
FRAUD WATCH
– The Packers deserve to be 0-2. An ugly, stinky 0-2.
– The Texans again feel like a flawed team on the cusp of being great if they could just fix one damn problem.
-I’m back to not knowing what the fuck to expect out of the Jaguars.
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-I know that the Falcons are not in a good spot right now, but boy howdy that was ugly.
CLOWN OF THE WEEK
-6 Fumbles. A safety in the endzone on a hold. The Chargers have decided to not bother teasing their fans with hope and instead just give them testicular torsion.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Buccaneers, you are a disgrace. This was the one game I had circled all year for a clear win. The Browns are a joke and looked like the worst team in football last week. Baker has been setting himself up for revenge against the team who wronged him. You let THIS happen? Watson plays his most complete game since before he got outed as a predator? How is Todd Bowles still intact, let alone employed?
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–This is actually the Falcons, but with their QB situation I have empathy for them. I’d wager most of you skipped the Cardinals getting trash compacted by Seattle, and you were right to.
Before we pick our games for week 3: CARTOON BETS FOR WEEK 2
ALL THE UNSEEN CARTOONS FOR THE PATRONS!
BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – POKEMON WEEK, GEN 3
FALCONS @ PACKERS
Now that’s the Thursday Night Football I know and hate. Packers probably end up 2-1 when they deserve to be 0-3
If the Falcons win, I will draw Swellow as the Falcon
BENGALS @ STEELERS
Two games in, the Steelers do not excite me. The Bengals do.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers as Loudred
PATRIOTS @ JAGUARS
This one will be very telling for both teams going forward so I’m excited to see how it goes. I’m a pessimist so I’ll take the team I hate.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence as Gardevoir. Yes, you are correct, I designed this entire week’s theme around this specific bet.
SEAHAWKS @ COMMIES
The Seahawks haven’t allowed a 100 yard rusher in 28 games. Make it 29.
If the Commies win, I will draw Commander Whiscash
TITANS @ GIANTS
Revenge games haven’t been going well this year with Saleh taking a dump against the Jets, Baker taking a dump against the Browns, and now hopefully Daboll taking a dump against the Giants.
If the Titans win, I will draw Brian Daboll as Makuhita
JETS @ LIONS
Geno might actually be able to light up this secondary but the Lions have to win sometime, right? Right? Please Lions
If the Jets win, I will draw Jets colored Latios
PANTHERS @ BROWNS
Watson managed to salvage his job for the home opener. I am so mad at the Buccaneers. Panthers, show those bums how it’s done.
If the Browns win, I will draw The Brownie as Meditite
CHARGERS @ BILLS
This game probably looked a lot more exciting before the season started. The Chargers are gonna die.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as Manectric
CHIEFS @ DOLPHINS
Chiefs are going to be 3-0 and it makes me sick
If the Dolphins win, I will draw the Dolphins logo but with Wailord
TEXANS @ COLTS
Battle of the teams who have put up fights to no avail. I keep giving the Texans my grace, but if they can’t win this I must turn my back on them.
If the Colts win, I will draw Daniel Jones as Absol
CARDINALS @ 49ERS
Snuff Film of the Week contender right here
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Marvin Harrison Jr as Cacturne
VIKINGS @ BUCS
How can I pick a team that lost to the fucking Browns
If the Bucs win, I will draw Buccaneer Sableye
RAIDERS @ SAINTS
The matchup of the young upstarts! I’ll go home team for now.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Kirk as Thicc Lovedisc
RAVENS @ COWBOYS
The Ravens took some damage with the Saints loss but Derrick Henry is probably vibrating looking at the Cowboy defense.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Jerry Jones as Ludicolo
RAMS @ BRONCOS
After a bad week 1 by both teams, they got back on track for week 2. I’ll go home team for now.
If the Rams win, I will draw Aron Donald
EAGLES @ BEARS
Even if Caleb is out, last year the Bears just ran the ball down the Eagles throats. Curious to see if they can keep that going. Eagles haven’t impressed me so far so I’ll be bold and take the home team.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Jalen Carter as Pelipper
A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw the teams as Plusle and Minun
