THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–We had a couple fantastic weeks of chaos, we were bound to have a dip in the trajectory. Line cannot always go up. This week was mostly a slog.
The week got off to a stinker between two QBs playing like butt against good D. Sam Darnold is not playing good football and we need to acknowledge it. He looks like bad Sam again. Maybe it was the loss of Klint Kubiak. Maybe it is the total lack of run game support. I don’t know. Darnold looks mid as fuck right now, and his play still managed to get overshadowed by Bo Nix. Nix played so cowardly that Ryan Fitzpatrick ripped into him after they won. To be honest, while Nix is a coward, Fitzpatrick might have actually reached the playoffs once in his career if he played like a game manager once in a while.
The Jaguars are a confounding mess to me. Are they good? Does anyone know? They got to stay in London, acclimated to the time zone, and then got blasted by a single-win Texans team. Now I think the Texans were better than that single win, but the point remains. The London game was reasonably competitive, but the Jags lost on the last-second field goal this time.
The early slate for Sunday was dire. The Titans managed to squeak out their first win of the season in a game that simply did not exist when you weren’t watching it. The Bears clobbered the Falcons until garbage time when the Falcons briefly threatened to make it interesting…if you were stupid and actually thought the Atlanta Falcons would manage a miracle comeback. The Ravens and Browns wrestled like two 3-legged mules in a mudpit. The Patriots mostly handled the Jets. The Eagles were too injured to do much of anything against Carolina. The Steelers and Bucs went into a tense overtime battle and the most interesting thing was still Mike McCarthy hanging out in the blue medical tent during halftime.
The late slot wasn’t much better. The Raiders are officially good enough to hang but not quite there yet. The Rams embarrassed themselves again and sit in last place. The Cardinals now hold two wins on the season: both at SoFi. We need to ban Los Angeles football. The Chargers are now only one of two remaining winless teams (Miami was on bye) and they could not have worse vibes.
The Packers played sloppy football and still slapped the Cowboys. The Commanders got buried for a half and then came back to have a chance…only to once more be completely undone by terrible clock management.
All in all, a pretty lame weekend of football.
GIANTS CORNER
–It was only a matter of time before the wheels came off and I guess this was the week in which not only would the wheels fly off in every cardinal direction, but the remaining frame of the car would skid directly into a telephone pole and explode.
The Giants could not run the ball (and benched Skattebo the whole game as punishment). Jameis went full bad Jameis, JJ McCarthy finally got his chance to throw a pick, and the defense didn’t stop shit. The late historic garbage-time push made things mildly exciting for a second but I’m not putting any stock in it for now. This is not a good team, the vibes finally derailed, and the real test for Harbaugh is if he can get this team back to competitive next week rather than wallowing in their failures like Daboll did.
Also? Start JJ. If I have to watch trash QB play at least let it be the comedy guy and not the goofy sex pest.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–I don’t know if we had a particularly good option here this week, so I’m going with the Arizona Cardinals upsetting the Los Angeles Rams and putting the Rams in last place. The Rams were this year’s dream team. Instead we’ve gotten old Stafford, lesser Puka, even more special teams drama, and zero Myles Garrett. A team with no kicker lost to a team that only scored via field goals. The irony.
The Cardinals are functionally a joke. Brissett is terrible. The defense is a suggestion of a unit on the breath of a dying desert fox. They managed a single win in week 1 against what has proven to be an abysmal Chargers team. Yet this joke just went out and beat the Super Bowl favorites to firmly plant them into last place. The NFCW as a whole has underperformed outside of the 49ers so the Rams still have plenty of time to turn things around by the playoffs but the further we get into this season, the grimmer things feel.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–I feel like CJ Gardner Johnson is going to end up in prison after he is out of the league. Maybe before. He’s a bad player and seems like a guy everyone hates.
THE VIBE CHECK
– I placed the Colts in “good vibes” because Ballard got fired on Monday, which makes the loss to the Titans worth it. Colts fans want change more than a win at this stage.
– I cannot figure out the Jaguars
– Dallas and Philly are in a total race to the bottom of the vibes meter. The Cowboys are embarrassing (Dak just told me to get out) and the Eagles are now facing a controversy in which their embattled QB was playing and flying with a blood clot! Bad!
-THE NFL HAS AN OFFICIATING PROBLEM of the week
–This is holding? Did we hire soccer refs for the London game?
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
– Moose is simply the most entertaining player in the sport right now. The Bills would be nothing without this man, and he deserves another MVP at this stage.
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-The Rams jettisoned the thiccer kicker for the Gruper, and he was injured within minutes.
CHAOS WATCH
–The NFCE is in play for a below .500 division winner. I shall pray for this to happen because it will never stop being funny.
-Saints or Texans, who is the best 2-4 team? They both feel like they deserve at least 3-3.
-The Browns just keep pulling this shit off. They sit in first place. They have easy teams left on the schedule. We could legitimately be facing playoff Watson.
-WHAT 49ER DIED THIS WEEK
–Mike Evans again
FRAUD WATCH
–I moved the Giants down to Sus because things feel as if they are balancing out now. The Rams only have two wins, but considering the hype they entered the season with, this is a fraudulent season.
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-Ignore the final score and the brief late surge. The Bears smothered the Falcons and then briefly stopped trying towards the end.
-CLOWN OF THE WEEK
-The Rams new kicker instantly hurting himself after hitting the ballcarrier is the kind of poetry you only see in movies
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The longer a team goes winless, the more embarrassing it is to be their first win. Congrats, Colts, you couldn’t beat the fucking Titans.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–Herbert looks broken. The Chargers look empty. I do not understand how things fell this far.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – EAT YOUR VEGETABLES WEEK
PATRIOTS @ BEARS
I do not trust the Bears.
If the Bears win, I will draw Kale Monangai
STEELERS @ SAINTS
I feel like the fleur-de-lis team is required by law to win in France
If the Steelers win, I will draw DK Metcabbage
49ERS @ FALCONS
The 49ers are the best team in the NFL until proven otherwise, imo.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Michael Peppers Jr
BROWNS @ TITANS
I can’t believe the Browns are going to keep getting away with this
If the Titans win, I will draw Yam Ward
COLTS @ VIKINGS
Daniel Jones is about to die
If the Colts win, I will draw Sauce The Gardener
DOLPHINS @ JETS
The Jets have a chance to get two wins! The Dolphins have a chance to get one!
If the Dolphins win, I will draw MaLeek Willis
BUCS @ PANTHERS
The Panthers are the NFCS team to beat, imo.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Broccoli Irving
BENGALS @ RAVENS
Lamar is back this week, right? The Ravens have to show up this time.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Pea Higgins
GIANTS @ TEXANS
As of right now I don’t know who is starting at QB but I don’t care.
If the Giants win, I will draw Corn Skattebo
BRONCOS @ CARDINALS
Battle of the cowards under center. At least Bo has a good defense to help.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Zucchini Brisset
PACKERS @ LIONS
The Packers seem to have figured their shit out and the Lions defense is so bad I could score on them.
If the Lions win, I will draw Jared Gourd
RAMS @ RAIDERS
I…I think I’m going to pick the true LA team
If the Rams win, I will draw Okra Nacua
CHEIFS @ SEAHAWKS
Kenneth Walker is about to go ham on these birds
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Daikon Witherspoon
COWBOYS @ EAGLES
What happens when two monkeys throw poo at each other and the poo meets in midair? We are about to find out. Home team.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw George Parsnips
A TIE
If we get a tie, multiple players from both teams as Brussells Sprouts on the stalk
