THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–Another strong week! It was never going to match the sheer fun of last week but I’m glad the nonsense is back on the menu. We got started strong on Halloween Night by confirming that the Houston Texans are, in fact, frauds. There’s no doubt about it. CJ Stroud has taken the dreaded second-year regression. Teams have tape on him, expectations are high, the playcalling and offensive line are flawed. But he’s also stumbling and Diggs being lost for the year won’t make it easier. Now that the Colts are starting Joe Flacco the Texans might actually have some competition in the shitpile that is the AFCS. The Jets finally managed to look like the team they were supposed to be, and that Garrett Wilson catch is one of the best of the year.
The Titans won! This is notable for 2 reasons. First, they are the Titans! Even against the Patriots, these are the TITANS we are talking about. However it must be noted that they are slightly more competent with Mason Rudolph under center (what a depressing sentence). Secondly…THEY PLAYED THE LIONS LAST WEEK. This Titans team was supposed to be hungover! Maybe the Lions hangover simply hit them in the second half last week and they rallied, or they just stayed drunk the whole week and the Patriots just suck that hard.
The Ravens, Lions, Bengals, Commanders, and Cardinals all took care of business with ease, although the Cardinals game was briefly interrupted by hail. In Phoenix, of all places. The Dolphins managed to finally put up a good fight against Buffalo but it didn’t matter anyway because the Bills hit a 61 yard field goal. Kirk Cousins put the nail in the coffin of Dallas and Mike Zimmer’s new gig. The Eagles fucked around and almost found out, but Jags will Jags. The Bears should be embarrassed. They looked terrible and Caleb got injured staying in a game he no longer had any reason to be in. The Bears are going to keep repeating the cycle of not firing a coach who should be fired and spending a new developing QB’s first year wasting time. Oh, and the Browns shat the bed. That was funny.
The Chiefs remain unbeaten, and they might be the least interesting 8-0 team I can remember. They aren’t much fun to watch, they just grind out wins. Does every dynasty team simply become the Patriots?
GIANTS CORNER
–I have reached maximum apathy. This team isn’t worth having feelings for. Daniel Jones was 4-6 for 0 yards and 1 TD in the first half. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a stat line so absurd. Once Andrew Thomas got hurt this team just started to crumble from occasionally frisky to bottom feeder.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–The Seahawks feel like my nemesis this year. I technically got the call right this weekend but it was in jeopardy all day. They started off strong, going up early and having Puke Nacua get ejected for a punch. Then things seemed to stall and fall apart a bit in the middle as the team struggled to finish and the Rams eeked out a lead despite some exceptional Hawks D. Geno threw two horrible interceptions to the same guy. The offensive line was getting him murdered. Then Jaxon Smith-Njigba continued to have a massive day and the Hawks managed to tie it up and force overtime in the last minute. The Hawks would go for it on 4th deep in Rams territory instead of kicking the field goal and they’d fail. 4 brilliant plays later the Rams walked it off. The Seahawks do not play normal football games.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–DRAKE MAYE WITH NO REGARD FOR TITAN LIFE. The Patriots drove the field, had 6 seconds left. What elapsed next took roughly 15 minutes of real time as Maye scrambled back and forth over and over, juking sacks until he could do it no more, heaved a prayer into the endzone, and had it answered. Overtime! The Titans would take 8 minutes off the clock in overtime to kick a field goal and Maye chucked an INT. A very silly ending to a very bad football game.
-Corley Malachi has one of the first touches in his career, takes it to the house…almost. Anyone who drops the ball in celebration before crossing the goalline should be immediately cut and banned from football, IMO.
–Saquon Barkley did something I’ve literally never seen a football player do before. He hurdled someone backwards. Hurdles from the front arely land smoothly and this man spun out of one tackle and just jumped backwards over another man. How the fuck?
–During the final lateral mess of the Bills/Dolphins game, Jaylen Waddle got the ball, promptly sprinted 30 yards backwards until he couldn’t even lateral to anyone because nobody was behind him, and then couldn’t even manage to juke 6’6 279 Greg Rousseau.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Drake Maye’s heroics
-The Texans make a field goal. The Jets commit a penalty on the kick, giving the Texans a first down. The Texans manage to get a closer field goal attempt. They miss.
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-The Jaguars almost pulled off a miracle comeback thanks to a questionably called fluke fumble and Sirianni ineptitude, then Trevor threw a ball directly to a defender in the endzone. Comeback over. You will not pass go. You have already collected far more than 200 Dollars.
CHAOS WATCH
–I’ve given the Colts a lot of shit so far this year but I think their defense actually deserves credit. Their offense certainly isn’t the reason they have managed to win games and keep things close. With the AFCS being so weak, they might manage to sneak into playoff contention.
–The Bengals look to be getting hot again. Spoiler alert!
–The Rams are winning. Puka and Kupp are back, the defense is balling, and Stafford looks like prime Staffy again. Watch out motherfuckers, the Rams are relevant.
FRAUD WATCH
–The Cowboys are no longer on the fraud meter because they are not frauds. They are just a bad football team. It is very funny.
-The Packers feel very hot and cold this year and Love’s dick injury appeared to play a role in some unfortunate moments during the Lions game.
-The Eagles are a great running team and occasionally do cool big plays passing but otherwise commit baffling decisions. Sirianni is a terrible coach once again being bailed out by talent.
-The Texans are frauds. They aren’t a good team. They aren’t their record. They will probably make the playoffs and go one and done.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Saints are dealing with a ton of injuries but Carr came back and this was the team that they blew up in week 1. The Panthers were starting Bryce Young again! The Saints came out so flat and ugly. Michael Thomas started shitting on Carr as the game went on. Dennis Allen should have been left on the tarmac on the runway. Carr has now lost to 31 different teams, only the Raiders remain. MONDAY NIGHT EDIT: Guess what happened!
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–Gardner Minshew got benched again for Desmond Ridder midway through a blowout to Cincy. Antonio Pierce is not deserving of another year on this job. OC Luke Getsy got fired as I was writing this part on Sunday night.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK
BENGALS @ RAVENS
The Bengals are heating up but the Ravens are simply the more complete team. The Bengals defense is going to struggle.
If the Bengals win, I will draw a crab drowning in Skyline Chili
GIANTS @ PANTHERS (IN GERMANY)
There are a lot of teams in the NFL tied at the bottom with 2 wins. This war crime of a matchup is going to be a significant decider of draft order down the road. The Panthers should still be the worst team in the league so for once I am going to pick the Giants. I think Young is going to get eaten alive by our pass rush.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young in Lederhosen
PATRIOTS @ BEARS
Depends on how Caleb feels but I still have to go Bears I guess. Patriots more like Putridots.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Drake Maye mooning The Bean
49ERS @ BUCS
The Bucs are good but keep getting stuffed by a tough schedule. The 49ers are underperforming but are still stacked. One of them has to give. I’ll go 49ers, higher ceiling.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield as Captain Morgan
BRONCOS @ CHIEFS
The Broncos feel like they re a good QB away from being a genuine competitor with that defense. Unfortunately, they have Bo Nix. The Chiefs defense is going to eat Bo alive.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Bonix using Earthquake against Sealeo
BILLS @ COLTS
I kind of don’t know why Richardson was benched. Flacco is not the long-term answer and the offense is still pretty bad. Richardson was a raw prospect, about as raw as it can get at QB. He needs reps or he’s never going to have a chance to improve. Is Shane Steichen worried about his job? His crackhead boss might be off his rocker again.
If the Colts win, I will draw Joe Flacco as an old man on a bench, shit-talking Buffalo
STEELERS @ COMMIES
The Commies Train cannot be stopped.
If the Steelers win, I will draw The Steel Curtain being more imposing than The Iron Curtain
VIKINGS @ JAGS
One of these days Doug Pederson is going to get fired. Will it be this one? It has to be soon, right?
If the Jags win, I will draw Sexy Trevor, our new president
FALCONS @ SAINTS
The Saints are technically in last place right now. Yes, below the Panthers (tiebreakers). They have lost 7 in a row. The Falcons are quietly on top of the division. This is a golden opportunity for Atlanta to stick a fork in their most hated rival. I do not anticipate the “New Coach Bump” to work here.
If the Saints win, I will draw Derek Car going kachow as Dennis Allen burns at the stake
TITANS @ CHARGERS
The Chargers are back, baby. A game that 7 people will watch.
If the Titans win, I will draw Mason Rudolph, the Blue Nosed Reindeer
JETS @ CARDINALS
GO RED BIRDS. I do not trust the Jets to have figured it out yet.
If the Jets win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers unlocking his chakras
EAGLES @ COWBOYS
The Eagles are a fraud team that keeps winning in spite of poor management. The Cowboys are finally just losing and Dak is hurt. If they can’t win this one, the season is over for sure.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Mike McCarthy backwards hurdling Nick Sirianni
LIONS @ TEXANS
What looked like a marquee matchup at the start of the year now looks like it might be a slaughter.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud eating Dan Campbell’s kneecaps
DOLPHINS @ RAMS
The Rams are on a winning streak. Watch out baby Stafford is cooking again.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Mike McDaniel as a California beach bum
BYES: BROWNS, PACKERS, RAIDERS, SEAHAWKS
A TIE
If we get a tie I will draw both QBs being blended into a smoothie
Do not expect a comic tomorrow. I’m not sure I’ll have the emotional bandwidth to work on a silly football joke on election night
