THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–This was one of the weakest October weeks for chaos I can remember. It’s usually a bad sign if I get most of my picks right, but that doesn’t always necessarily mean the week was low chaos because maybe the games were still crazy. This week? Not so much. Like…nothing. Some fun games, for sure, but nothing weird. I’m here for the weird. What weird happened? For fucks sake, the Steelers took care of business at an away game against a bad team! What other indicators do you need that this week sucked? To be fair to the Steelers, they may have found a loophole. The crowd in Vegas was filled with Steelers fans. Vegas has no home team presence and are cursed with being a massive destination city ruled by tourists. Vegas is never going to have a good home crowd, especially when they are bad. Vegas is going to be the #1 destination visit for most away fans. If your team is playing in Cincinnati you probably aren’t making a trip unless you are already close. If your team is playing in Vegas, well that’s just an excuse for a Vegas weekend. Why not go and watch your team embarrass Mark Davis and drunk marry your ex?
Everyone more or less took care of business. Houston beat up Drake Maye. Baltimore was simply better than a solid Commanders team. Denver stopped BOlieving. The Colts are bad, but the Titans are worse. Browns suck. The Jets offense was not fixed by firing Robert Saleh and promoting Todd Downing. Thankfully the Jets game featured some nonsense in it so we could end on a semi-high note.
GIANTS CORNER
–Felt like another game that was perfectly within reach wasted. Terrible Redzone INT wasted a great drive, Burrow scored on a wide-open scramble, a huge play was negated by an illegal man downfield call (I hate that rule so much), Danny missed on all his deep throws again, shanked a field goal. Giants primetime football. The defense is coming together and the offense needs Nabers back but they’ve spent this whole season feeling like they are so close to being competent and refusing to commit.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
– I guess the Jets. Two doinks, an Aaron Rodgers Hail Mary before halftime, every flag you could possibly imagine, and the Jets losing when Mike Williams slipped and fell down. At least one of these games delivered.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–The Bears scored 5 offensive touchdowns for the first time in like 60 years
-Joe Burrow scrambled for 50 yards
-Lions calling a hook and ladder to Penei Sewell. The disrespect.
-A successful Hail Mary by Aaron Rodgers! Again!
-Jim Harbaugh briefly left the field for “illness”. He totally had to take a shit
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–I…did not cackle once
CHAOS WATCH
–The Falcons remain the weird team to me, so keep an eye on them. They let the Panthers stay relatively close all things considered. Also we must be attentive to the Bears. Caleb has turned it on against some bad defenses but once he faces good teams again things might get weird.
FRAUD WATCH
–The McCarthy Cowboys seem to follow this trend where they generally look okay, but then randomly shit the bed really hard, but get back on track enough to reach the playoffs and then shit the bed again. Looks like this year might give us even more bed-shitting. They reek of fraud.
–The Eagles beat the Browns in a game that was genuinely embarassing for all involved. The Eagles had a bye week, got their injured WRs back, and barely squeaked by the worst QB in the league. Rough shit.
–The Seahawks started 3-0 and are now 3-3. Frauds. Of course, if they keep losing, they just become bad instead.
–The Falcons are 4-2. They’ve won a couple very close games with heroics. That’s a smoke signal that things are closer than they should be.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Cowboys. We have to talk. What was that. You are at home, against an NFC top dog. You gotta prove yourself. You don’t even necessarily have to win, but you gotta show you can compete. That was not competing. That was disgusting. I thought Mike Zimmer’s defense would be better than this, just embarassing.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Jaguars went to London, let Caleb Williams style all over them in a way a Bears QB hasn’t done in decades, and they have to stay in London just to play the Patriots next week. If they lose to Drake Maye, Doug Pederson is going to need to find a place to stay in London because he’s not coming back.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – FALL FESTIVITIES!
BRONCOS @ SAINTS
SEAN PAYTON RETURNS TO THE BAYOU. I’d actually be on board with the Broncos this game considering Derek Carr’s status and Patrick Surtain probably being out with a concussion. The Saints looked semi-viable with Spencer Rattler for a time, but how will it go now against that Denver D? I don’t know who to pick. I kinda want to go Denver simply because Payton should be familiar with Dennis Allen’s schemes.
If the Saints win, I will draw Dennis Allen in a nice turtleneck sweater enjoying a nice pumpkin spice latte on a park bench
PATRIOTS @ JAGUARS
Jaguars, this is your last chance. If you fuck this up I swear to god.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Drake Maye having a nice fall tea on the river Thames (while Pederson drowns)
LIONS @ VIKINGS
Not having Hutch makes this game significantly more interesting for the Lions. I guess I have to go Vikings until they lose.
If the Lions win, I will draw Jared Goff carving a big W into his pumpkin
TITANS @ BILLS
God the Titans are shit. Just pure shit. Still feel proud of my #1 pick prediction.
If the Titans win, I will draw Will Levis in flannel and a beanie sipping from a mayo can
DOLPHINS @ COLTS
The Colts are also pure shit. The AFCS is going to have 3 teams drafting top 10. It also feels like Anthony Richardson has been soft-benched for Flacco. Tua should be back for this, so I expect the Dolphins to resume looking functional on offense.
If the Colts win, I will draw Anthony Richardson playing in a pile of leaves
SEAHAWKS @ FALCONS
I believe in Kirko!
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Geno as a scarecrow, scaring away Kirk Cousins
TEXANS @ PACKERS
Packers are a weird team this year. They look super competent and then suddenly look terrible. A flawed team. I think Houston is just better.
If the Packers win, I will draw Jordan Love bobbing for Cheesewheels
BENGALS @ BROWNS
The Bengals are notoriously awful in Cleveland. They should also still be a better team than this, especially with Cleveland refusing to bench the Rapist. Are the Browns finally going to get that second win? Maybe?
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie enjoying the scents of some delightful scented candles
EAGLES @ GIANTS
Saquon has this game circled on the calendar and will probably be fed the ball all game and I expect it to make me sad.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as a literal Giant, too tall for the corn maze that Saquon is lost in
RAIDERS @ RAMS
I don’t want to watch this game. Do you? Egh. Rams I guess.
If the Raiders win, I will draw AOC trying on cute fall fits
PANTHERS @ COMMIES
Commies gonna feed.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Andy Dalton using his leafblower to blow away Dan Quinn
CHIEFS @ 49ERS
BIG GAME! The Chiefs don’t look undefeated and the 49ers look better than 3-3. I think this will be the first loss for KC. You know SF wants some revenge.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Andy Walrus eating an entire pumpkin whole
JETS @ STEELERS
The Jets offense was not fixed by firing Jeff Saleh. The defense should be able to hold up against Fields (or Russ), but I’m taking the home squad.
If the Jets win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers in Ugg boots drinking cider
RAVENS @ BUCS
This game might rule! Going Baltimore for now.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield riding a Tractorcito on the farm
CHARGERS @ CARDINALS
Chargers are probably better. I’m kinda just confused by the Cardinals.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray in a sweater vest sniffing an apple pie on the windowsill
BYES: Bears, Cowboys
A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw both QBs stuck in the cold fall rain, sharing a ratty scarf
