THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–The past few weeks this post has been a chore to write. I’d kind of forgotten just how fun a single week of football can be. Thank god for this week. Maybe the most fun I’ve had watching nonsense all year. We already have a contender for Chaotic Play of the Year. This week was just a complete delight. Even the blowouts were fun. The Broncos ran up the score on the Panthers and styled on them with 4th down trickery well after the game was out of range. Sean Payton then went out and told the media that the Panthers are shit. He’s such a douche, but he’s great content. The Titans actually managed to hold their own against the Lions for about one quarter! I was impressed. It almost counts as a moral victory. Of course then the Lions would go on and play with their food and demolish them. I cannot imagine how bad the Titans will be next week.
The Bengals? Maybe they aren’t underperforming, maybe they just suck? Zac Taylor reaching a Super Bowl might have been a death sentence for the team because he’s a terrible head coach and the Eagles rolled over them. The Colts put up a fight against the Texans and almost pulled off the victory with a late-game turnover. Unfortunately the player was called down so the return didn’t count and the Colts couldn’t finish the job. The Bills fucked up Seattle and officially put to rest any idea that the Seahawks should be considered relevant. The Chiefs continue to be unwatchable on offense and keep winning anyway. It’s honestly infuriating. The Chiefs have one of the most unwatchable offenses in the league and still just win. I got suckered into changing my bet for the Cowboys after I saw how injured the 49ers were and it ended up being the wrong move as Dallas is just normal poop this year.
But we had some real contenders for Chaos of the Week. Saints/Chargers was stupid football and the Saints even benched Spencer Rattler mid-game for some guy I have never heard of. The Vikings and Rams gave us watchable Thursday night football until the refball ending (to be honest the Refs seemed to be biased towards LA all game). The Packers lost Jordan Love to a groin pull and almost gave up the ghost to Jacksonville, but the Jags will Jag. But outside the big game you know I saved for later: can you believe the Jets lost again? I’m dying. The Jets built a team around a cranky old nut, capitulated to his every whim, and paid the price. Losing to Denver? At least that was a good defense. Losing to the Vikings? Viking are legit. Losing to the Bills? Rough for the divisional standings but the Bills are good. Losing to the Steelers? Again, tough defense. Losing to the Patriots, who hadn’t won since week 1? And they had already beat? OUTSTANDING. There are no more excuses. The Aaron Rodgers gambit has failed miserably, and it is extremely funny.
GIANTS CORNER
–That went about as expected. Giants put up a fight but the offensive line problems and Daniel Jones existing hold the team back.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–Was there any other choice? I almost missed the funniest thing I’ve seen all year. The Bears and Commies game was not particularly interesting for most of the runtime. Both defenses held up pretty well, neither offense was able to do much of anything. The Bears made a late push all the way to the goalline only to seemingly lose the game on one of the dumbest playcalls I’ve witnessed: giving the ball to a lineman as if he’s The Fridge. The lineman instantly fumbled the handoff and Washington got the ball. But they couldn’t do anything with it, the Bears got another chance, and this time when they reached the 1-yard line they weren’t stupid. They even got the 2-point conversion to go up by 3. I was getting my shoes on and about ready to walk the dog when I saw the Commies had about 2 seconds and one shot so I decided to just watch the end anyway. So glad I did. Unbelievable. Team of Destiny type shit. The Bears failed miserably at coverage, leaving Noah Brown just sitting in the back to catch the tipped ball. The man who tipped it was Tyrique Stevenson, who spent the first half of the play taunting the crowd before abandoning his assignment covering Brown to jump up and ultimately make the tip that landed in Brown’s hands. Boneheaded play of the year. The Daniels Revolution just keeps rolling. I feel like I should be mad considering they are a rival but I’m just astonished. Rather see this than the Eagles or Cowboys succeed.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–I mean, outside the Hail Mary?
-Sunday featured 3 different games have safeties caused by a ball going out back of the endzone with comedy ball. The week had 4 safeties if you count the game-ender against the Vikings.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–I mean, outside the Hail Mary? Haven’t laughed harder than that all season. Cackle of the year.
–Geno Smith redzone trip on 4th Down was pratfall comedy at its finest
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Tua took a slide on a scramble and the entire stadium cheered louder than they had all day. That’s really depressing when you think about it.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT of the week:
A new award, only for this week, specifically so I can call out whatever the fuck this 2-pt conversion attempt was
CHAOS WATCH
–The Browns started a QB who actually looked like he wanted to be there and instantly had a 300 yard passer and looked like a playoff team. Deshaun Watson should never start another football game. It’s probably too late for them to make a true playoff push, but they can be irritants going forward.
FRAUD WATCH
–The Texans struggled to overcome the mighty garbage that is the Colts. The Texans are lucky the AFCS is as completely shit as they are so they can still mostly coast.
–The Bucs are injured but losing twice to Kirk Cousins and the Falcons feels wrong. Maybe they peaked too early.
–The Vikings defense against the Rams worried me. Stafford was able to cleanly handle the Flores pressure and it makes me wonder if his scheming isn’t going to be effective against experienced QBs as the season goes on.
-The Dolphins don’t have a fraudulent record, but Mike McDaniel is a fraud coach and Tua coming back to lose to Arizona at the last minute was just icing on the cake.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Ravens. The Browns played better football but not GREAT football and this team shouldn’t have fumbled the chance this badly. The Ravens pretty much felt like they had control of the AFC even with the Chiefs having a better record and they came out and laid this egg.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–Honestly? This was hard to pick this time. I went with Carolina because they were pretty much their usual selves.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK
TEXANS @ JETS
CAN THE JETS SHIT SHOW CONTINUE? I sure hope so because I enjoy comedy skits.
If the Jets win, I will draw Rodgers as Joan Jett
SAINTS @ PANTHERS
In week 1 this was a slaughter of untold proportions. Now, halfway through the season, it’s more interesting. The Panthers might still be starting Bryce thanks to Dalton’s thumb injury but the Saints might be stuck with Rattler or that other guy instead of Derek Car. This probably won’t be the beatdown the first one was, but picking the Panthers just seems silly regardless.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as all 3 Powerpuff girls
COMMANDERS @ GIANTS
In week 2 the Commies hadn’t quite found their footing and the Giants held Daniels and company to a bunch of field goals. I do not predict the second game will be half as close.
If the Giants win, I will draw Dexter Lawrence eating the Washington Monument like a corncob
DOLPHINS @ BILLS
The Dolphins cannot beat the Bills. These Bills own the Dolphins. They keep them chained in the basement, mercilessly whipping them day after day after day until Mike McDaniel cries Mommy. If the fish beat Buffalo in Buffalo it’ll be a November Miracle.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Tua as a Sperm Whale
CHARGERS @ BROWNS
The Chargers have a new coach and a new philosophy and still feel like the same kinda mid mess they always are. It’s remarkable, really. Will the Browns momentum keep up? I’ll give them a chance.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as Johnny Bravo
PATRIOTS @ TITANS
The Patriots are riding high off a surprising win and the Titans are not only abysmal, they are Lions Hungover. This might be the Patriots best win of the season.
If the Titans win, I will draw Mason Rudolph as Starfire from Teen Titans Go
COWBOYS @ FALCONS
The Cowboys are simply bad. They cannot run the ball. They can’t defend very well. Dak Prescott got engaged, the only ring he will ever wear. Going Kirko
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Samurai Dak
RAIDERS @ BENGALS
They should have to pay fans to go watch this game instead of the other way around. Bengals at home I guess.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Gardner Minshew as an actual gardener
BRONCOS @ RAVENS
Ravens took a huge L against Cleveland and now have to face a second tough defense. The Broncos are quietly humming, but I have to assume the Ravens just stumbled for now.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Bonix like a Dune Worm swallowing Lamar
BEARS @ CARDINALS
Bears took a tough loss on Sunday and now have to travel to the…First Place Arizona Cardinals? That can’t be right. Oh my god…they technically have the tiebreakers. I’m going Bears.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler of Duty, Murray Warfare
JAGUARS @ EAGLES
If this goes badly enough the Eagles might manage to fire Doug Pederson twice.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence as DeeDee from Dexter’s Lab
RAMS @ SEAHAWKS
Rams got the WR duo back healthy and the Seahawks be mid. I kept trying to have faith but getting bullied at home against Buffalo doesn’t even bode well for this home game.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Geno as Wirt from Over the Garden Wall
LIONS @ PACKERS
Dunno how bad Jordan Love’s dick pain is but even if he starts the Lions are just something else right now.
If the Packers win, I will draw Jordan Love (Or Malik Willis) as Dr Eggman, killing Sonic and Knuckles
COLTS @ VIKINGS
THE FIRST REMATCH SINCE THE COMEBACK. Vikings need a get-back-on-track game and beating up the Colts might do it. Anthony Richardson kinda sucks and Flores will eat him alive.
If the Colts win, I will draw Anthony Richardson taking a nap
BUCS @ CHIEFS
Fucking Chiefs. Fuck off. You bore me. Mahomes and Reid were supposed to be fun to watch, not become this.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield as Miss Piggy
BYES: Steelers, 49ers
A TIE
If we get a tie I will draw the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti kiss
If it seems like I have a lot of cartoon network themed bets it’s because it was going to be a theme week but couldn’t come up with enough jokes
